By Vivian Onyebukwa

Iwu Okwuchi Dorcas is the president, Mbaise United Ladies Club, Worldwide, an umbrella body of all Mbaise daughters and daughters-in-law. The association was established for friendship, unity and service to humanity.

Iwu, who will pilot the affairs of the organization for the next four years, spoke to Daily Sun recently.

What is the role of women in society?

Women are peacemakers. They take care of the home and the children. They are the bedrock of united and peaceful families. Whether they are housewives or career women, their contribution to the home is paramount. For you to have progressive and educated children in life, it is the responsibility of women. They are everything a good family needs.

What can women do to ensure peace in the country?

When you talk about peace in the country, you start from the home. If the home is at peace, the children, family, local government, state and the nation would be at peace. So, there is nothing good, if a woman starts a fight. When there is a fight, it goes around, even in the world.

Looking at the situation of things in the country, from crimes such as kidnapping, armed robbery, banditry, prostitution and other vices, would you say that mothers have failed in their responsibilities?

It is 50/50 chance. Women have not failed and, somehow, the situation has not been fair to women because they now go out more, fending for their children and supporting their families, than they used to because of the economic situation. The man’s salary and income alone can no longer carry the family. He has to pay school fees, rent and bring money to the house. It’s not enough for anybody. So, women have to work.

Even if they don’t work, they have to find something to do, which takes them out of the house, and most of the time the children are left with either the maid or sent to school. Again, mothers now are those who did not receive the full training like their own mothers. Most of them do not have the fullness of home training. So, you can’t give what you don’t have.

Is it also a cause of the indecent dresses some of today’s kids wear, because their mothers do not know better?

Yes indeed. That is why a 30-year-old mother could wear what I call tattered trousers on her daughter.  Children do whatever they like and they say it is their time. It is never their time; children should be nurtured the way they should. It’s their time all the same, but we are more permissive with the change.

Again, broken homes and single parenthood are not frowned at anymore as much as in those days because women have become working class mothers while some are even the breadwinners for their families.

While that is happening, trust the African man, he still wants to be served when he comes back. Of course, some women can do it, but it gets to a stage where she reacts. We must realize that the society has changed; time, too, has changed. Therefore, we must change with the trend and, if we fail to do this, there would be upheaval in the home. You can’t be providing and still be doing all those house chores. Not that you won’t do your duty, but the man should understand that he has to lend a helping hand when it becomes necessary.

In that case, would we not be seen as copying western culture?

Yes, again, we are copying the foreign culture but every culture has it’s modalities of keeping the society steady. We beat our children in Africa, scold, smack them, if they go the wrong way. Now, we are torn between our culture and that of the West, which preaches “Don’t beat the child, talk to the child”.

It is not working in Africa because we are known to discipline our children, but that discipline is no longer there. So children tend to react. Before now, when your mother talks to you, you don’t talk, else she would just give it back to you. But now, you stay and converse with your child and she would be querying you on your decisions.

Again, the social media has come with confusion and disaster. Children no longer concentrate on things they are supposed to do. Gone are the days when they said ‘like father like son’. Children have become heavily distracted and influenced by the environment. We really have to pray for them. I am not saying that they would be perfect, but we pray for them to take the right path. We pray that God would direct their steps. Pray with them often, too. 

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When the present government came into power, President Muhammadu Buhari scrapped the office of the First Lady. So, I think the present administration does not even recognize the office of the First Lady. There are some duties that the First Lady must perform. She should influence the nation, positively. 

Don’t also forget that the peace of the nation starts from home.

Can some of these issues lead to domestic violence among spouses?

Yes, a time comes when you react, if you are at the receiving end. We are humans. You have to let it out. There is a limit to how much you can enslave somebody. These days, you find young people of 30, 35 years suffering from stroke and hypertension caused by stress from economic hardships, family pressure, lack of social amenities, and the fact that salaries are not enough to take one home. This also causes corruption because people try to make ends meet in whatever means they can. While some engage in stealing to get extra money, others are involved in some heinous crimes.

There is an unhealthy sense of competition among people. Many are not contented with what they have and people engage in all sorts of things. Women and young girls engage in prostitution.  Some young men do rituals to make money. There is moral decadence. Nobody cares how you make money. So long as you bring money, they will celebrate you.

All these, put together, are part of the problem. Society is to be blamed, and even government. There is so much emphases on wealth.

What are some of the causes of domestic violence among couples?

Domestic violence can lead to broken homes. Everything boils down to the family. When a wife is so ambitious and wants to be richer than the husband, it is an issue. 

Unhealthy competition among women makes some of them feel that their husbands are not doing enough.  Nobody wants to cut her coat according to her size. Some women are simply lazy.  You feel that your life is centred round the man. If your husband does not provide everything, you fight him and there won’t be peace.

Some would want to be free and commit adultery. When we are doing that, our little ones are watching, and tomorrow when they want to go and practice what they have learnt from their mothers, especially, you tell us the world has developed. 

No third party should come into your marriage. Everything should end in the bedroom. The men should not lift their hands on their women. Women should cut their coats according to their sizes. The homes cannot be managed by just one person because of the economic situation. There are lots of things women can do to help the men. You can operate from home even as a content creator. You can be a caterer, fashion designer, writer, etcetera. 

 

So, what’s the way out?

We should inculcate the right behaviour into our children. Spouses should join hands to train their children morally. Don’t leave it to your spouse alone. When your spouse scolds your child, lend your voice too, so as not to divide your family.

Marriage is a vocation, not a contract. It is a covenant. If you take your marriage as a vocation, God has called you into that marriage, and that marriage is your way to God. So, whatever you are doing in that marriage is for God, not for yourself, husband or children. If you take your marriage as a vocation, then you would work towards the success of it.

Even though, you earn more than your husband, obey him. Men, too, should love their wives as the bible say.

How long do you think one can endure an abusive marriage?

Nobody has the right to abuse anybody on earth. If your wife misbehaves, send her back to her father’s house. Don’t lay hands on her. Any woman that chooses to die in an abusive marriage does that at her own peril. Abuse in marriage is a no go area, but try not to do something that will make him raise hands on me. As much as we condemn abuse, we have to behave in such a way that abuse will not come. It is difficult for people but you have to work on it because you believe in marriage which is your way to God. Once you remove God in marriage, it would be difficult. Apart from the Priesthood and religious life, there is no other state in life that requires prayer more than marriage. It is natural that you disagree with your husband just as you do with your siblings or parents, but two people cannot be mad at the same time. Know when, how and where to talk.