One, two, three, no stopping, no waffling. It’s time to do things differently. Who cares if I sound like I’ve gone off my rockers? I’m just angry at everybody who should do something constructive for Nigeria sitting on their hands. If we entered an agreement to work within some constitution, is there also a covenant to work with what is not working and watch our national life go to the dogs?

Our prisons are congested, yet we keep convicting more Nigerians. That’s what we’ve done since time immemorial but has it stopped Nigerians from investing in crime? Since the eneke nti oba bird has learnt to fly without perching, how about the hunter shooting without missing?
If we have an ingenious Nigerian who can swallow 66 wraps of cocaine, why should the NDLEA bother with giving him purgatives to get the stuff out of his bowels? How about serving him a hot bowl of ‘fufu’ and ‘ogbono’ soup plus a keg of palm wine? That should help the cocaine settle nicely down there. And if his cargo kills him, a postmortem will teach our medical students a few things about what happens when cocaine and palm wine are mixed. It’d make a good story too. For me, it is better to let what a drug courier likes to swallow kill him than waste a judge’s time and further congest the prisons. Let NDLEA stop providing toilet services to drug couriers.

As for those who have been administering fake, expired and adulterated drugs to Nigerian and giving Madam NAFDAC sleepless nights. It’s time to go outside the law books. How about arresting the dealers, chemists, shop owners and testing their medicines on them? Just put them a air-conditioned room, feed them well and serve them their drugs, watch the effects on them and let them sweat it out or die slowly. I think it is a better deterrent than the long process of prosecution. If you can make money from drugs that can rob a mother of an only child, you can take the drugs too or is what is sauce for the goose no longer for the gander?
Why are will wasting precious time on talking about whether to remove the immunity clause or not? Let the darned thing stay? It is antiquated, null and void and of no effect whatsoever to the new order. Let the governors concentrate on whatever they have chosen to do with their four years. Let us also concentrate on documenting what monies they take from the treasury in four years. Let us watch how they spend tax payers money. Let us compile the facts as they write their handing over notes. No padding. No witch hunting. When they swear them out, let them refund what they have stolen. Let them then be whipped publicly at the state capital, in front of the Government Houses in the presence of their wives and children and of course their successors. We must not forget to ensure that the world media cover the historic events. Then let their faces be pasted at airports. They must never be allowed to leave Nigeria until they be dead. No court injunction, temporary or perpetual. That should make public office meet public service halfway. Now, only those who come out of office and service blameless should be given national honours.

You think I’ve gone bunkers? But this law that is an ass is making assholes of all of us. It is killing the essence of this nation. The family silver that the founding fathers bequeathed to is rusting away in the dirt of legalese, bureaucracy and never-ending injunctions.
We have flown by the seats of our pants for too long. We have played by the rules for too long. We have played the copy cat game for too long and it’s time to quit. I know we are all hopelessly in love with this rule of law stuff. I bet not a few of us think that due process and rule of law are the Messiahs we have been waiting for.

For as long as you are seeing the Nigerian situation through rose-tinted glasses, it will look like we are finally in El Dorado. Unfortunately, dreams are different from reality. And it is high time we realised that the Nigerian problem deserves a Nigerian solution, one thing the rule of law cannot help us with. It’s great to brandish the constitution and preach the rule of law, it’s good for our international image. Let it be seen that we have also crawled out of the caves and we are now a civilized nation. Let the rest of the world lap that up. But back home, with our internal issues, we’ve got to do something drastic. We’ve got do something out of the ordinary, something out rightly irregular.

See where we stand. What exactly have our regular laws done for us? Why do we still remember the Buhari/Idiagbon days with nostalgia? Is there a portion of our laws that says we should be disorderly? So how come the last time there were orderly lines at our bus stops was when Idiagbon’s boys whipped us into line? How come that was the only time we were afraid of throwing banana peels out of the bus window? The other day flying ‘moinmoin’ leaves from the car in front of mine almost ended on my laps.

Tell me, why Lagosians are afraid of driving against the traffic? Is it not because of the psychiatric test penalty? Who will remember that the real reason your name is in the Yaba Psychiatric Hospital register was because you drove one-way in front of Lagos Sheraton Hotel and Towers to catch up on a business meeting? Trust Nigerians to haul that at you when you decide to vie for an elective post. The Lagos psychiatric initiative is a step in the right direction. Lagosians aren’t easy to manage, for instance, because they are always hurrying somewhere.

And the only reason the Federal Road Safety Corp was a huge success in the beginning was because they went beyond charging traffic offenders to court. You commit an offence in Akure, you went to pay your fine in Abuja. Quite effective.
Our designer constitution is great but it ain’t solving our socio-political problems. We are in a hell of a mess and there doesn’t seem to be a plan to clear this mess or get out of it.

This country that once had her citizens rushing back home after grabbing blue-chip degrees cannot even educate them least of all give them employment. Our groundnut pyramids have been taken over by Indian hemp farms. Cocoa farmers are now drug barons. Our schools are gradually been phased out. There is no coherent energy policy to rescue us from the demons of PHCN. To top it all, you can now get a perpetual court injunction stopping your landlord from asking you for rent or issuing you a quit notice.

So, is it too much work to get things working again? And if we have tried to do it by the books and it hasn’t worked, pray, tell me why we must stay on a course that is not leading anywhere. If you are going to Ibadan from Lagos, you can go through Abeokuta if the Lagos –Ibadan expressway has the regular traffic snarl. That is not rocket science, is it?

Feedback
How I wish that every politician/ political office holder in this Nigeria will be compelled to read this and forward their recommendations to the upper house/ state assemblies to occupy their thoughts until they read between the lines and come up with realistic solutions to these social ills they caused. Otherwise we have a serious time- bomb on our hands. {Emeka Anyaegbu, P/H} -08033428613.

You seem to be better! I wanted to decamp from SUN but you’ve given me real reason to stay. Fire more, you are simply great and better. It’s a woman’s world too. (Toni Ndive, Lagos) -..08037158615

I don’t think you’ve counted the wolves correctly before my very eyes. There are about 50 of them growling, waiting for one HOPELESS lamb. By the way, do you remember that we have more than 50 registered political parties in the country? Each of these parties represent a wolf, (Mr Tos Ulo) -08023564147..

37000 wolves in 37 states and140 million lambs, rams and sheepish sheep. -08033105787..

The four wolves are the local government council houses, state houses of assembly, house of reps., and the senate. The cornered lamb? NIGERIAN MASSES! God bless you. -08080612688..

Old soldiers never die!! 21 gun salute to you for your last Sunday piece, you are a real daughter of your father, keep it up. (Barth, P/H) -08053186698..

I hail your write-up in Sunday sun of 2nd March 2008, page 56, have proved the fact that “what a man can do, a woman can do better,” -08053238522..

They will soon have constipation! -08051649933..

Your piece, FOUR WOLVES AND A LAMB cannot be applicable here because like Fela said ‘my people no wan die.’ We cannot be like Kenyans because we are all cowards. (Innocent Ove, Badagry) -08025766983..

Your articles are powerful; your style is unique, keep up the good work Funke. -08057070001 -Lagos.