Once upon a time, before unemployment came to gum up the works, Nigerian thieves were just plain thieves. They picked pockets at the bus stops. They snatched cheap wrist watches of people who were not careful. They didn’t care whether it was a fake Seiko or Omega. They took stuff just to buy their ganja and other quick fixes. When they wanted to raid homes, they went with saws and hammers.

They worked hard through the burglary proofs, sweating a bit to get what they wanted. They would then go ahead to pack television set, video machines, stereo, refrigerators and other such electronics. They never traveled light, the old thieves. They also stayed in poor neighbourhoods. They allowed the rich to sleep with both eyes closed. They respected their ‘Dogs on patrol’ notice boards. Maybe because they hardly carried guns then. Their most sophisticated weapons were dane guns, the kind hunters carried with pride in my village.

However, since change is the only constant thing, Nigerian thieves moved up. Like their counterparts in other professions, they started building capacity, honing their skills.After many episodes of cutting the fingers of poor victims who pleaded that ‘all fingers are not equal’, Nigerian thieves decided to restrategize. They dropped the saws and hammers. They went into partnership with corrupt cops in bilateral arrangements of gun-for money. Now, with sophisticated weapons, they moved into rich neighbourhoods. Even when they ‘visited’ poor folks, they took only money and mobile phones. Yeah, they started traveling light. God help you if you didn’t have money when they called.

Apart from their shining weapons, they also acquired boldness. Install bullet proof doors and mountain high fence, these boys were not impressed. They simply knock the door, shoot in the air and announce their presence. I played host to them sometime in 2002, so I should know. Here’s how they announced their arrival: We are armed robbers, we have come to steal, to kill and to destroy.” Yes, Bible-quoting armed robbers. Having moved from ordinary thieves to 21st century armed robbers, the boys lost respect for private guards and even designer dogs.

They moved from Mararaba to Maitama, from Dopemu to Dolphin. They asked first for Euro, then pounds and dollars, in that order. They waited till Sunday when the rich went to church and parties in their best cars which they snatch and promptly drive across the border. All in broad daylight. I forgot to mention that the boys didn’t fancy losing sleep over peanuts and a few fake gold pendants. So they decided to work during the day like other professionals.

Like the rest of us, armed robbers wanted bigger pay packets. Soon, they decided small or medium scale stealing would not get them to the top of the ladder of their chosen career.
“The folks we are robbing are as poor if not poorer than we are.”
“What do we need rickety tokunbo cars for?”
“It is absolutely dumb to stay up all night just to steal Nokia 3310 phone.”
“How far can N100,000 take a gang of eight.”
“Let’s recapitalize and do some mergers.”

After that AGM, the armed robbery sector of the Nigerian economy took on a different colour. The players went fully public, getting quoted on the Stock Exchange. And that was how bank robberies became the major offering of that secret. Makes more sense to the boys. Why rob one man when you can rob 1,000 in one operation? Why take a purse when you can take a vault? Like devil-may-care cowboys, they raid the banks ever so regularly these days. First or last generation bank, they don’t care a fig. They kill customers, managers and passersby.

They have since cancelled bilateral relations with the police. You can say they have gone completely loony but these Spawns of Hades don’t care for our opinion. You can predict that one day they will snap up a tasty morsel and find hooks in their mouths the size of an anchor but we are talking about people who are single-minded about their business here. They are poison in the right places and the wrong ones too. And you know what, they think they are in business for themselves, since nobody will employ them.

There are those who do their business on the move. You may call it pay-as-you-go. These are traffic jam operators. They knock your car window and ask you to wind down, then drop your ‘offering’ in the offering basket. That would include your jewelry, money and phones. Since they insist on cheerful givers, you must smile through it all even if your thoughts towards them are murderous. And as these ungodly ushers move to the next car chanting ‘offering time, blessing time’, you cannot help but wonder what the next level is with. Just like I’m wondering.

Do we all know that armed robbery is one big industry that has grown in leaps and bounds over the years? Do we all know that today’s armed robbers are university graduates? Do we all know that if the players in that sad sector of the economy have moved with time from stealing black and white television sets and snatching purses to wearing designer suits into our banking halls to empty vaults, there definitely is a next level for them. If they have left poor neighbourhoods for the elite estates and banks, what stops them from moving up to strictly government houses, commissioners’ homes, legislative quarters, ministers’ residences and commissioners of polices’ homes? Are we going to do something about this boil on the bridge of our noses or we are going to continue to sit on our hands like idiots? I just wonder.

Fountain of violence

Koko: This Iyabo thing…
Kaka: Shhhh. Which Iyabo thing? Did I not tell you last week that we have put the necessary sacrifices at the right road junctions to ensure that Iyabo is cleared and has the Senate not given her a clean bill of heath?
Koko: You are a native doctor and all this while I didn’t know.
Kaka: No commentaries. All I know is that the gods accepted the sacrifices we placed at Apo Legislative Quarters and at Three Arms Zone junctions. (Singing).
Ebo fin ebo da o
E ba wa k’Orunmila p’oku ise.
Koko: So that is the end of the matter.
Kaka: Unless you want the gods to be angry with you.
Koko: Your juju really worked on 108 Senators? Incredible.
Kaka: Awesome..
Koko: The Senate simply said the Health Committee didn’t know the source of the N10m they took to Ghana.
Kaka: And it is possible to eat a forbidden fruit without knowing where it came from, isn’t it?
Koko: I can’t believe this is happening. It is still a fake clean bill of health the Senate gave Iyabo. It has no NAFDAC number. We will revoke it, appeal it.
Kaka: And I will invoke the wrath of the gods on you? What is your own sef? Can’t you think of somewhere else to go make your mischief?
Koko: Oga dibia, have mercy o. Well, there is the shooting in Ekiti.
Kaka: What about it? You should be worried only if there is peace in Ekiti. What has just happened is still in order.
Koko: Legislators getting shot in broad daylight with accusing fingers pointing at the Speaker, not thugs?
Kaka: It is in the character of Ekiti people to make trouble and to point accusing fingers. Nobody writes petition like they do, remember.
Koko:Legislators shooting legislators in the open in the state reputed to be the fountain of knowledge?
Kaka: Point of order.
Koko: Order what?
Kaka: It is now a state reputed as fountain of violence. Was it not that same state where they were violently killing poor dogs and smearing their blood on the streets half naked?
Koko: They were appeasing the gods like you did. They said it was the season of rituals.
Kaka: Well, it doesn’t look like the gods even noticed them. They may have slaughtered the dogs in vain.
Koko: Are you sure it was not Fayose who sneaked into the Speaker’s convoy to shoot those honourable members?
Kaka: If it does not rain in Ekiti, it is Fayose.
Koko: Yes o
Kaka: If pregnant women have prolonged labour, it is Fayose.
Koko: If Ekiti men have low sperm count, it is Fayose. If their wives have more baby girls when they want baby boys, then it is Fayose’s doing.
Kaka: Didn’t one lawyer call him a spirit?
Koko:: Ekiti people need deliverance.
Kaka: From the spirit called Fayose or the demons of violence?
Koko: They are stuck with Fayose. May the gods give them the wisdom to accept that but they need to be delivered from the spirit of complaining and protesting against everything and everybody.