Connecting deeply in your marriage
By Tussy Afam-Obi
Tuesday, August 28, 2007

“My husband won’t show me his feelings.” We hear it over and over again from frustrated wives. And a husband who won’t share emotions can be an obstacle to a better marriage. Why?
True intimacy,the closeness that results when two people can honestly share deep feelings is elusive when one partner can’t or won’t reveal who he truly is emotionally.

I believe finding intimacy in a marriage is made more difficult because of the way boys are raised in most societies. Boys are taught to never show pain or allow themselves to be vulnerable. Feelings are for girls.

When I grew up, this was the accepted definition of what manliness was all about. You solved problems or played sports if you were a boy. Many men raised in this model have never known any other reality, and they take this attitude into their marriage.
The sad result too often is missed opportunities at happiness, embittered partners, even divorce. Sometimes after years of marriage, couples ask us, “What went wrong in our marriage?,

Here’s the secret
What I found out was a secret that has given me a great marriage and been a key to a successful life.
The secret is this: Emotions are a source of strength and power. And by being sensitive to what you’re feeling and being real with your spouse regarding your emotions in a positive way, you can set the stage for a wonderful, rewarding, and fulfilling marriage.
Men who never tap into their feelings don’t realize they could have more joy, spontaneity, laughter, and better sex in their marriage by following a simple prescription. But at some level, many are afraid of confronting feelings, especially negative ones, because they haven’t developed the skills to handle them appropriately.

When many couples have a fight, the usual response from both partners is defensiveness and mutual blame. The predictable outcome in the marriage is a downward spiral. Couples may shut down emotionally, intimacy is lost, and the quality of the marriage suffers.
But a paradox in relationships is that moments of conflict hold the greatest potential for emotional intimacy. This can happen when spouses take responsibility for working on themselves rather than getting caught up in blaming each other.

Four rules for using emotions
Here are some guidelines that will help both partners to use their feelings to improve their marriage:
1.Realize that emotions can be a powerful ally in helping you get what you want in your marriage relationship. Be open to the possibility that feelings (even negative emotions) offer the potential and power to create a win-win situation for yourself and your spouse. Be aware that showing emotions appropriately can be a path to strength and success.

Notice what emotions you feel when you’re with your spouse. Don’t hold back in showing your spouse positive feelings like love, appreciation, and respect. But pay special attention when you’re upset or feeling angry. It’s been said there are really only two basic emotions—love and fear.
If you’re feeling some negative emotion like anger, stop and take a deep breath. Deep down, you may have some fear that is being activated. Ask yourself: “What fear does this situation bring up for me?” Be willing to share those fears with your spouse, using “I” statements rather than “you.”
You might say something like: “When you made us late last night to the party my first reaction was to get mad at you. Then I realized I really felt embarrassed because I was afraid our friends would think I wasn’t reliable.”

Take responsibility for your emotions and adopt the attitude of “How can I use this experience to grow?”
Remember to be kind to your spouse, even while disagreeing. You can use compassion while gently voicing your concerns. Choose your words carefully. Never stomp on the vulnerable side that your spouse shows. And ask her (or him) to show you the same respect.
It’s important to learn to tolerate your emotional discomfort during an argument without lashing out at your spouse. It can take courage to maintain courtesy and respect for your spouse even in the midst of disagreement. But it’s well worth it.

Reaching for true intimacy requires opening up some part of yourself that is tender and easily hurt. That part is your innermost self—the sacred ground of the spirit. It is tender grass that an insensitive partner could easily trample on. Make sure you don’t step on your spouse’s feelings when he/she shares them with you.
Be willing to take responsibility for your side in a disagreement and apologize for your part. Above all, avoid blaming your spouse.
Even if you feel justified in criticizing your spouse, use moderation. Recognition from you that every disagreement has two sides and you respect his/ her right to have his/her own perception will go a long way toward ending a quarrel. This creates an opening for reconciliation.

Sharing feelings can be scary for men, because it goes against ingrained beliefs and habits about what it means to be male in this society. But in a relationship of compassion and trust, the sharing of deep emotions can create a marriage of profound intimacy that can only be described as a soul connection.
And this type of relationship has universal appeal. Because happiness is a currency that everyone wants.