Rebound relationships
By Tussy Afam-Obi
Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Someone who is on the rebound is upset or confused because a romantic relationship he/she was in has ended. He/She then rushes into another one, especially when he/she finds a leaning shoulder in the new partner. The question is, how do you know if you or someone you're dating is really on the rebound? Can it ever be a good thing? And what is the best ways to handle the strong urges you may have to be with someone new after a breakup?

A breakup of a serious intimate relationship can be a very difficult experience, and is often accompanied by feelings of confusion, sadness, anxiety, sleeplessness, appetite loss or binge eating, and generally feeling off-balance. Feelings of self-worth may be low. We may question our attractiveness and desirability for future relationships. We may feel emotionally raw, vulnerable and needy at times. We may feel lonely and miss the affection and sensual gratification of our previous relationship.

One very tempting way to cope with this unpleasant state is to literally fall into the arms of someone else who will catch us, hold us, and tell us what we most want to hear and feel: that is we’re okay, we’re worthwhile, we’re attractive, we’re desirable, and we’re lovable. And when we choose to sexualize this coping strategy and experience the wonderfully mesmerizing fireworks of infatuation and lust, we can all but forget about our past pain. Life becomes a joyous spontaneous encounter with the present moment. Ah, relief and distraction from our pain. And for the other person who has rescued someone from his/her pain, and who is connecting with someone in an extreme state of openness and vulnerability, he may feel that he has finally found his soul mate: someone who listens, is open, is willing to share his feelings, is deep, authentic and spontaneous, and who seems different than anyone he has ever met.

All these sound well and good except for one thing: one or both people are usually getting set up to get really hurt. For weeks or months later when the glow fades and the person begins to feel like himself again, he may see his new partner as merely a helpful transitional friend who helped him through a hard time. One day he wakes up and wonders, "Why am I with this person? What was I thinking? I’m not in love with him/her." He then thinks of dating someone else and his helpful rescuer is crushed. Unfortunately, the normal illusions and fantasies of falling in love are even more pronounced in a rebound relationship.
So what do you do if a newly alone person comes rushing into your arms?

These are what to do:
•First of all, see him/her for who and what he is: needy and vulnerable.
•By all means give him/her support, companionship and affection, but recognize that anything further or deeper is a huge risk for both of you. He does not know which end is up, and at least for a while, everything he does gets filtered through the lens of need, not through health and love. You may enjoy the adoration of temporarily rescuing someone from his pain, and he/she can be incredibly honest and fun as he explores creating a new independent identity. But don’t be surprised at what he will eventually turn out to be, because he is on a journey of transformation that may or may not include you.

•Be kind, compassionate and wise enough to give him what he really needs, which is usually a true friend, not a lover. And if it should turn out that the two of you really do have a genuine romantic connection, there will be plenty of time to explore that in the future. Don’t rob your future relationship of the loving possibilities it may have by prematurely romanticizing your friendship.

If you’re the one who’s suddenly alone, recognize your own needs for healing, regrouping and creating yourself anew. Realize that being out of a relationship is not all a bad thing. It’s a precious opportunity to grow in ways that you cannot grow when you’re with someone. It’s a wonderful time to forge a better relationship with YOU, to learn from the past and resolve resentments and judgments you may have about yourself or your past partner. It’s a time to reconnect with your spiritual life, or to explore that realm if you haven’t done so before. It’s a terrific time to take up a new hobby or study something you’ve never had time for. It’s great to suddenly have space to bond with friends on a deeper level. There’s time to expand your support system, to create more balance in your life, to build a solid foundation for whatever life you choose to lead in the future.

You’re going to survive, and you will live to see another day of laughter and fun and love. But every season unfolds in its time, and it’s best to accept the season you are living in rather than artificially trying to rush through to the next one.

On either side of a rebound, it’s risky. In fact statistics show that most people who remarry within a year of their divorce end up getting divorced again! So take it slow, heal, feel your feelings and learn from the lessons of your past choices and decisions. In that way when the sun shines again for you, it will be genuine and warm, and you stand a much better chance of creating the love that can last a lifetime, if that’s what your heart truly desires.