Creating deep intimate relationship
By Tussy Afam-Obi
Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Not your past experience, nor your opinions and beliefs about intimacy and love are relevant in the creation of deep intimacy in your relationship.
All that matters is your intention and willingness to become intimate.

Intimacy, by both definition and experience, is the connection with, and the knowledge of, another person at their deepest level.
Intimacy is not only an enjoyable experience, but also a profoundly spiritual act. In essence, it is the clearest expression of a permanent state of grace. In being intimate, you experience your own greatness, your authenticity, your freedom.

We, however, tend to take intimacy for granted, believing that when we first fall in love, the intimacy will subsequently follow. Or, equally misguided, we think that as we learn to know another person better, intimacy will automatically manifest itself.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work this way.

Intimacy is both a skill and an art.
It can be taught, practiced and mastered.
There are five elements that assist the building of intimate contact, which will be discussed in this article:

Communication
This is the first and foremost element.
In our society, there are so many taboos and subjects 'we do not speak about' concerning intimacy, relationship and sex, that we literally become isolated within our own thoughts, conditioning and beliefs.

Establish a direct, honest and open communication and you're on your way to intimacy.
Three methods of communication are most effective in the creation of deep and intimate experience: eye-to-eye communication, sensitive touching and verbal communication.

•Eye contact, softly gazing into each other's eyes, without words, allowing your thoughts to flow, and your feelings and body sensations to be present, creates a deep experience of oneness.
•Lovemaking is probably the most powerful communication method. Be aware of your messages. Soft physical touch, flowing and agreeable, creates a deep experience of connectedness.
•Honest, direct and open verbal communication creates a deep experience of sharing, care and vulnerability.
Presence
We need to be present, which means to really be there with our partner, both sincere and focused without any distracting agenda. In other words, to be connected spiritually.
For most of us, this is a difficult task.
We may physically be present, but our mind and thoughts can be somewhere else, far, far away.
It takes practice to learn to be present. It's a meditation.
When your partner talks, really listen. Don't be pre-occupied with preparing answers in advance in your mind.
When you make love, be there with your body; noticing your breathing, your physical sensations, your feelings.
Whenever you notice your mind wandering away, gently bring it back, to the present.

Acceptance
Accepting yourself as who you are in the moment, allows you to trust.
Accepting your partner as he or she is in the moment creates safety for your partner to be who he or she is.
To accept doesn't mean to like, to approve or to agree.

To accept just means - 'this is who I am right now and this is who you are.'
It also means 'I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. I am who I am and you are who you are.'
Acceptance creates space and freedom, which are essential in order for us to experience intimacy.

Lightness and fun
Some people compare intimacy to the speaking of a foreign language. They hope that the experience, may yield a few useful and pleasant results, but then wonder if it is worthy of the continued effort that is required to feel comfortable and close in an intimate situation.
Intimacy doesn't need to be hard work. It can and should be fun and enjoyable.

Be creative. Play around. Try something new.
There is no final destination
One of the most efficient killers of intimacy is going somewhere:
•Sex as the end result of intimate dinner
•Orgasm as the end result of lovemaking
•Marriage as the end result of falling in love

Remain open and allow your spontaneity and intuition to lead you... If your intimate life needs a boost, take the initiative, and create an intimacy date.
It can be your lover, partner, spouse or a first-time date.
Allow yourself to experiment with these five elements and without expectations, be open to what the outcome may be.
Remember, you are practicing a new skill, not aiming for a perfect performance...