Building blocks for a successful marriage
By Tussy Afam-Obi
Tuesday, May 15, 2007

When a marriage starts to turn sour, men and women react in a variety of ways-divorce, extra-marital affairs, counsellors, alcohol, drugs, etc. These are just some of the ways people are trying to deal with their marriage difficulties. But most of the time all they are doing is making a bad situation worse.
To help resolve these marriage difficulties, David Egner, in his book, listed the building blocks of a successful marriage and they are as follows:

•Lifelong commitment
When a man and woman decide to get married, they are committing themselves to remain married until one of them dies. The marriage vow, therefore, is an expression of a lifelong commitment. The meaning of the vow extends throughout one’s lifetime and it should not be broken. This is why when there are difficulties in marriage, you should think of how to resolve them and not divorce.

•Shared identity
In marriage, a man and woman are brought into union, they become one, blending into one another’s lives. No longer is it a man living his life for himself and a woman living hers for herself. But it is not always easy to live out that oneness in everyday life. This is because husband and wife have different backgrounds, habits, parents, education, personalities and emotional scars. Although they are distinct persons with vast differences, they have agreed to walk the path of life as one, they have a shared identity. Time, love, patience and forgiveness are needed, therefore, to bring the shared identity of marriage into maturity.

•Fidelity
By today’s standard, absolute faithfulness is termed impossible, especially with the men, but marriage calls for total fidelity on the part of couples. More so, with the widespread of HIV/AIDS, it is always advisable to stick to your partner even when we have to be selfish about it.

•Well-defined roles
Husband: The traditional role of the husband is the headship of the family. The husband’s headship is functional. It helps the marriage work. It breaks the tie votes and carries with it great responsibility. The husband is to provide responsible leadership without being dictatorial or blindly self-serving. He should provide loving, understanding and God-honouring leadership.

Wife: The wife on the other hand is made to submit to the leadership of her husband. She plays a supportive role. The head cannot do without the neck. Both roles are important for the success of the marriage. A woman who insists on being the decision maker in the home is placing herself in a position of disobedience, which is not good for the smooth running of the home. A woman’s determination to have her way all the time is a threat to the success of her marriage.
Marriage works best when husband and wife accept their roles.

•Unreserved love
Husband and wife are to love each other with the kind of unreserved love(genuine, heartfelt, through-thick-and-thin, till-death-do-us-part) that leads them to honour and esteem each other, to consider each other’s welfare and stay beside each other through the highs and lows, the ups and downs that accompany married life.

The love between a husband and wife that grows through the years of marriage does not happen automatically with the saying of the vows or with the giving of a ring. It must be worked at! Love should express itself in patience, kindness, trust and hope. It should not wait for a crisis to be expressed.

•Sexual fulfilment
Sexual fulfilment is an important part of marriage. When a man and woman come together in marriage, each has a right to expect sexual fulfilment from the other. The sexual aspect of marriage is not solely for the purpose of procreation, it was designed to bring continuing pleasure-an intimate, exhilarating, renewing part of the husband-wife relationship.