How to predict trouble in a marriage
By Tussy Afam-Obi
Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Did you know that a trained observer could watch you and your spouse interact for several minutes and then predict with high accuracy whether your marriage will survive or not? Does that sound unbelievable?
In his bestselling book Blink, author Malcolm Gladwell writes about psychologist John Gottman’s research on what attitudes increase the chances that a marriage will end in divorce. Since the 1980’s, Gottman has videotaped more than three thousand married couples in his "love lab" near the University of Washington campus.

Based on Gottman’s calculations, if he analyzes an hour of a husband and wife talking, he can predict with 95% accuracy whether the couple will still be married fifteen years later.

Gottman finds out much of what he needs to know by focusing on what he calls the "Four Horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt." Out of those four negatives, he considers contempt the most important emotion of all.
If Gottman observes one of both spouses in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the most important sign that a marriage is in trouble.
Why is contempt so damaging in a marriage? How can this one emotion cause so much damage? Contempt is different from criticism because it involves looking down on the other person and feeling superior to him/ her.

If you have contempt for your spouse, you are feeling scorn or disdain toward him/her. You feel disgust, sickening dislike, deep aversion, repugnance, and repulsion. You feel that he/ she is beneath you and that he doesn’t deserve respect.
The presence of contempt in a marriage can predict how many colds a spouse will get because "having someone you love express contempt toward you is so stressful that it begins to affect the functioning of your immune system." And there isn’t any gender difference when it comes to contempt, according to Gottman’s research findings.

In the light of this information, how do you think your interactions with your spouse would be viewed? Are you thinking that you’re off the hook because you haven’t said things like "You’re so stupid" to your spouse?
Rolling your eyes when your spouse is talking to you is a classic sign that communicates contempt. So is assuming a patronizing, lecturing voice. The actual words used are only part of what is being communicated. The non-verbal component is also communicating loudly.

Tips to safeguard your marriage
One of Gottman’s findings is that "for a marriage to survive, the ratio of positive to negative emotion in a given encounter has to be at least five to one." When he tracks the level of a couple’s positive and negative emotions, he has found that "once they start going down, toward negative emotion, ninety-four percent will continue going down."

So what can you do if you recognize yourself or your spouse in this article? If you recognize yourself, know that self-awareness of a behaviour is the starting point for change. You can’t change what you’re not aware of. So you have taken the first positive step by looking closely at your own behaviour and starting to become more aware of the damaging effect it is having on your marital relationship.
Next, you can share this article with your spouse and ask if he or she would be willing to start the change process. If your spouse refuses, then start the process yourself.

If your spouse is the one expressing contempt for you, write a handwritten letter stating how much you value your marriage and want it to be the best possible. Ask him/her to please read this article because you don’t want to lose your loving feelings for him or for your marriage to end in divorce.
State that you would like to look at your part in things and how you might need to change and grow, and that you know this would be easier with the help of both of you. Take responsibility for your part in the relationship and show your willingness to look at your own behaviour.
Keep the focus on making positive changes that will help your marriage be more satisfying to both of you. Avoid blame and accusations. It will be easier to address sensitive issues when you are together.

If contempt is present in your marriage, it’s important to take immediate action to stop the accelerating downhill slide of negative emotions. Without intervention, your marriage may be on a crash course to divorce, and there’s no time to waste.
Goodluck.