Spice up your passionless marriage
By Tussy Afam-Obi
Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Maintaining a successful and happy marriage takes continuous work. A happy marriage is also a marriage where romance and passion are alive, even in the face of life’s trials and tribulations. The flame of passion needs constant attention and shelter in order to remain lit, and if you’re not working toward that goal, your marriage could be suffering. If your marriage is more platonic than passionate, there are five great tips for you and your spouse that will help ignite that spark that may be missing from your passionless marriage.

When you and your spouse first met, you probably couldn’t imagine a time when the excitement and need to be with each other every second of the day would ever fade. Fast forward to 5, 10, 20 years down the road. You have children, stress, work, money issues, and hectic schedules. Deep down, you’re still very much in love with your spouse, but alluring and exciting don’t seem to accurately describe your passionless marriage. Not surprisingly, many couples are experiencing the same hum drum kind of marriage. There are ways reviving your passionless marriage, and maybe some of these will even spark some ideas of your own.

The kids aren’t everything
Yes, you read that correctly – the kids aren’t everything. Remember that you have a relationship with your spouse. A common marital mistake some parents make, women are the culprits here, is unknowingly devoting their entire lives to their children. While it’s true that children will use up a majority of your efforts, there’s someone else that needs your attention too, just in a different kind of way. To keep your marriage alive, you have to fit your spouse into your schedule and spend quality time together. Catering to your children’s every whim can isolate you from your spouse, which can lead to resentment and a non-existent sex life. Making sure your spouse is as equally tended to as your children is one way to start putting passion back in your marriage.

Love letters
Actions speak louder than words, but words expressing how you feel about your spouse can help you rediscover a passionate marriage. Words are powerful, even if they’re simple statements. And it’s not just women who love romantic words – men can appreciate a good love letter just as much. You don’t have to be a poet to write a good love letter and the love letter doesn’t even have to be in letter form. Take out a piece of paper and write down a list describing everything you love about your spouse. Or on your anniversary, compose a letter telling your spouse why you would get married all over again if you had the chance. Try writing down a simple "I love you." Take some post-it notes, write silly messages on them and leave them hidden in places all around your house or bedroom. The bathroom mirror is a great place for messages, especially if your spouse wakes up after you leave the house.

Kill each other with compliments
This may sound silly, and you may be saying to yourself, "But I always give my spouse compliments!" If you do, great! If you haven’t showered your spouse with anything but gripes and groans it’s time to revert back to your courting days, when compliments were probably the order of the day. Compliments and affirmations will build up your spouse’s confidence, and experts agree that self-confidence is a key factor in maintaining a happy marriage. Don’t limit compliments to acknowledgements about your spouse’s physical appearance (although those are always appreciated). Compliment his or her other achievements as well, whether they be at work, play or home.

Get hot
Paying attention to your appearance may be on the back burner in your life, especially if you’re busy with your career or raising little ones. But don’t use your other commitments as an excuse to let your looks slide. You don’t have to get dolled up every day, but at least make sure your hair is combed, your clothes are clean and you haven’t let yourself go in the weight department. Your "‘Til death do us part" vows don’t translate into "No matter what I look like." You have an obligation to give the best of yourself to your spouse. Not to mention that taking better care of your body can inspire other ways to bring the passion back in the bedroom.

Dating your spouse
The excuse, "But there’s just no time" doesn’t fly in a happy marriage. You can always find time with just a little rearranging, so start using that time for dating your spouse. Think of a date activity – a date where one-on-one, person-to-person interaction can happen. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, just a fun date! Try an amusement park,a picnic or popular eateries like Mr Biggs,etc. Think of something fun you used to do when you weredating before marriage, and surprise your spouse with the same activity, even if it’s a little modified.

Remember, it’s the daily details of your married life that are the biggest factor in a happy and passionate marriage. If you make an effort to implement these ways to bring the passion back into your daily comings and goings, your marriage will reap the rewards of a new passion ignited and you’ll continually be reminded why you married each other in the first place.