How do I raise righteous
children?
By Abdulfatah Oladeinde 08058105396
Friday, July 25, 2008
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•A
cross-section of Muslim women at a seminar moral values,
organised by the Al-Mu’minat (The Believing Women)
in Lagos recently.
PHOTO: MOSHOOD RAJI
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I find disciplining my children difficult and often become
angry and beat them. Can you give me any advice on the subject,
as well as any books that would be appropriate to read?
Praise be to Allah. Raising and educating children is one
of the duties required of parents.
Allah has enjoined that in the Qur’an, and the Messenger
(peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) also enjoined that.
Allah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families
against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which
are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not,
(from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but
do that which they are commanded” [al-Tahreem 66:6]
Imam al-Tabari said, commenting on this verse: Here Allah
is saying: O you who believe in Allah and His Messenger, “Ward
off yourselves” teach one another that which will protect
those who do it from the Fire and ward it off from them, if
it is done in obedience to Allah and they do it in obedience
to Allah.
The phrase “and your families against a Fire”
means, and teach your families to do acts of obedience to
Allah so that they may protect themselves from the Fire. Tafseer
al-Tabari, 18/165
Al-Qurtubi said: Muqaatil said: This is a duty that he owes
to himself, his children, his family and his male and female
slaves. Ilkiya said: We have to teach our children and families
religious commitment and goodness, and what they cannot do
without of etiquette.
This is what Allah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And
enjoin As-Salaat (the prayer) on your family, and be patient
in offering them [i.e. the Salaat (prayers)]” [Ta-Ha
20:132]
And Allah said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah
be upon him) (interpretation of the meaning): “And warn
your tribe (O Muhammad) of near kindred” [al-Shu’ara’
26:214]
And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)
said: “And teach them (children) to pray when they are
seven years old.” Tafseer al-Qurtubi, 18/196
The Muslim – any Muslim – is a daa’iyah
who calls people to Allah, so the first people whom he calls
should be his children and family who are close to him. When
Allah commanded His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah
be upon him) to call people, He said (interpretation of the
meaning): “And warn your tribe (O Muhammad) of near
kindred” [al-Shu’ara’ 26:214] because they
are the first people to whom he should do good and show mercy.
The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) gave
the parents the responsibility of raising the children and
made that obligatory upon them.
It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar said:
I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah
be upon him) say: “Each of you is a shepherd and each
of you is responsible for his flock. The ruler is a shepherd
and is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of
his family and is responsible for his flock. A woman is the
shepherd of her husband’s household and is responsible
for her flock.
A servant is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and
is responsible for his flock.” He said: and I think
he said, “A man is the shepherd of his father’s
wealth and is responsible for his flock. Each of you is a
shepherd and is responsible for his flock.” Narrated
by al-Bukhaari, 583; Muslim, 1829.
Part of your duty is to bring them up from a young age to
love Allah and His Messenger and to love the teachings of
Islam. You should tell them that Allah has a Paradise and
a Hell; that His Hell is hot and its fuel is men and stones.
The following story contains an important lesson.
Ibn al-Jawzi said: There was a king who had a lot of wealth,
and he had a daughter and no other children. He loved her
very much, and he used to let her enjoy all kinds of entertainment.
This went on for a long time. Beside the king there lived
a devoted worshipper, and whilst he was reciting one night,
he raised his voice saying, “O you who believe! Ward
off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose
fuel is men and stones “ [al-Tahreem 66:6 – interpretation
of the meaning]. The girl heard his recitation and said to
her servants, “Stop!” But they did not stop. The
worshipper started to repeat the verse, and the girl kept
telling them to stop, but they did not stop. She put her hands
to her collar and tore her garment, and they went to her father
and told him the story.
He went to her and said, “My dear, what happened to
you tonight? What made you weep?” and he hugged her.
She said, “I ask you by Allah, O my father, to tell
me, does have Allah have a Fire the fuel of which is men and
stones?” He said, “Yes.” She asked him,
“Why did you not tell me? By Allah I will not eat any
good food or sleep on any soft bed until I know whether my
abode is in Paradise or Hell.” Safwat al-Safwah, 4/437-438
You have to keep them away from the places of immorality and
misguidance; do not leave them to grow up with evil things
from the television etc, then after that expect them to be
righteous, for whoever sows thorns cannot harvest grapes.
That should be done when they are young, so that it will be
easy for them when they grow up, and they will get used to
it, and it will be easy for you to tell them what to do and
what not to do, and it will be easy for them to obey you.
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with
him) said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of
Allah be upon him) said: “Teach your children to pray
when they are seven years old, and smack them if they do not
do so when they are ten, and separate them in their beds.”
Narrated by Abu Dawood, 495; classed as saheeh by Shaykh al-Albaani
in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 5868
But the educator must be merciful, forbearing, easy-going
and approachable, not foul-mouthed or unkempt, arguing in
a manner that is better, far removed from insulting, rebuking
and beating, unless the child is one of those who willfully
disobeys and rejects his father’s commands and neglects
his duties and does haraam things; in that case it is better
to use stern measures with him, without causing him harm.
Al-Minaawi said: For a father to discipline his child when
he reaches the age of discernment means that he should raise
him with the characteristics of the righteous believers and
protect him from mixing with evildoers; he should teach him
the Qur’an and good manners and the language of the
Arabs, let him hear the Sunnah and the sayings of the Salaf
(righteous predecessors) and teach him the religious rulings
that he cannot do without. He should warn him then smack him
if he does not pray etc. That will be better for him than
giving a saa’ in charity, because if he teaches him
properly, his actions will be among his ongoing charity, whereas
the reward for a saa’ of charity is limited, but that
will last as long as the child lives. Discipline is the nourishment
of the soul, and training it for the Hereafter.
“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families
against a Fire (Hell)…” [al-Tahreem 66:6 –
interpretation of the meaning]
Protecting yourself and your family from it means reminding
them of Hell. Discipline includes preaching, warning, threatening,
smacking, detaining, giving and being kind. Disciplining one
who is good and noble is different from disciplining one who
is difficult and ignoble. Fayd al-Qadeer, 5/257
Smacking is a means of correcting the child; it is not something
that it wanted in and of itself, rather it is resorted to
if the child is stubborn and disobedient.
There is a system of punishment in Islam, and there are many
punishments in Islam, such as the hadd punishments for adultery,
theft, slander, etc. All of these are prescribed in order
to set the people straight and put a stop to their evil.
Concerning such matters the Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allah be upon him) advised parents to deter their children
from doing wrong.
It was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbaas that the Messenger
of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
“Hang your whip where the members of the household can
see it, for that will discipline them.” Narrated by
al-Tabaraani, 10/248; its isnaad was classed as hasan by al-Haythami
in Majma’ al-Zawaa’id, 8/106
Al-Albaani said in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 4022, it is hasan.
So raising children should be a balance between encouragement
and warning. The most important element of all is making the
environment in which the children live a good one, by providing
the means whereby they may be guided; this means that their
educators should be religiously committed, including their
parents.
One of the ways in which a parent may be successful in raising
his children is to use a cassette player to play tapes of
teachings, Qur’an recitation, khutbahs and lessons of
scholars, for there are many available.
With regard to the books that you asked about, which you can
refer to with regard to raising children, we recommend the
following: Tarbiyat al-Atfaal fi Rihaab al-Islam by Muhammad
Haamid al-Naasir and Khawlah ‘Abd al-Qaadir Darweesh;
Kayfa yurabbi al-Muslim waladahu by Muhammad Sa’eed
al-Mawlawi; Tarbiyat al-Abna’ fi’l-Islam by Muhammad
Jameel Zayno; Kayfa nurabbi Atfaalana by Mahmoud Mahdi al-Istanbuli;
Mas’ooliyat al-Abb al-Muslim fi Tarbiyat al-Walad by
‘Adnaan Ba Haarith
And Allah knows best.
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