These days, it is common to hear some people say that marriages don’t last anymore. They tell you that in the past, couples stay married for decades through thick and thin and there was nothing like divorce. 

Some young men claim that today’s women don’t behave like their mothers and that’s why the divorce rates are high. Some young ladies will tell you that they are scared of getting married because of some the horror stories they read about marriages.

Personally, I think marriages are crashing because some of the issues that were being swept under the carpet in the past so that couples can stay together for life are tearing modern couples apart. What some men and women endured in the past in the name of keeping their marriages us not something young people want to do.

Some people no longer want to stay in abusive, toxic and dysfunctional marriages anymore just to please their parents, families, friends and religious heads. Men and women now prefer to take a walk than remain miserable in marriages that are long dead.

It takes two willing, committed, loving, kind, forgiving and respectful people to make a marriage work. It is not the duty of women alone to build marriages. This misconception is what is making some Nigerian men behave anyhow and still expect their wives to worship the ground they walk on. That’s impossible.

You can’t be treating your spouse like an animal and expect the person to be happy and celebrate silver marriage jubilee with you. You can’t be exposing your spouse to attacks from family and friends and expect them to love you unconditionally. You can’t be irresponsible and mean to someone you call your life partner and expect them to always be there for you.

Even the strongest marriages have challenges, hiccups and strains but the difference between a rock solid union and a dead marriage lies in some crucial relationship components that couples need to be aware of. If both parties work together to identify these issues and deal with them, they are on their way to having a life long marriage.

The first thing that ruins marriages is not putting each other first. Once you marry, make each other a priority. This doesn’t mean sticking together like glue, however. Instead, think of your marriage and the rest of your obligations as a system of checks and balances. If you notice that all of your time is spent working or running after the kids, take time to change a few things to make sure you actually spend time together that goes beyond crashing on the couch. Date night and spending weekends together alone works.

Weak or no communication ruins marriages. If you cannot communicate your feelings to your spouse without fear, you are not in marriage. You are in a master servant relationship. It’s important to say things that are bothering you as they come up; otherwise, you are brewing a recipe for resentment and fights that you could have avoided. Screaming matches or shutting down and refusing to talk are equally unhealthy ways to argue. Learn to talk about disappointments with your spouse without blame or fear.

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Poor boundaries with family and friends ruin even good marriages. Family and friends have a time and a place and should not invade your life. If your spouse can’t put his or her foot down when it comes to family intrusion in your marriage, your union is headed for the rocks. What’s more, minimize conversations about your private life outside the marriage. Tempting as it may be to vent, the listening party will probably make a bigger deal out of your rant.

Keeping secrets for whatever reason can destroy your marriage. When I hear some men say that you don’t tell your wife everything, I pity their wives. These men do things, build businesses, make investments and save huge amounts of money behind their wives’ backs and when they die, these things go into the wrong hands while the poor women and their children start suffering. This is how some men also start extra marital affairs that destroy their unions.

Dear husband and wife, make it a point of duty to talk about your day and worries, innocent as they may be. Let your spouse know about important decisions you want to take about your business and career. Let your spouse know about your investments and that partnership you want to form with a friend. Don’t hide these things from your spouse to avoid stories that touch. Wouldn’t you feel hurt if your partner told little white lies, too? Relationships are built on trust and if you can’t own up to little things, it’s going to be a lot harder to get the guts to tackle important conversations.
Refusing to apologize when you are wrong is a recipe for disaster in your marriage. As an adult, if you do something wrong, or hurt your spouse’s feelings, you need to apologize. Sure, it’s easier to make excuses for poor behavior, or worse, flip the situation and blame the other person, but you are creating a monster out of your spouse because the day they will explode, your marriage won’t remain the same. Stop using gifts to avoid saying sorry to your spouse. Dead Nigerian men, learn to say ‘I am sorry, forgive me. It won’t happen again,’ and you won’t die.

When you don’t appreciate your spouse and show gratitude when they do something for you, you are killing your marriage. Say “thank you” for the things your spouse is doing, even if they are expected. Gratitude goes a long way especially when one of you is stuck doing something annoying. Even if your partner enjoys cooking and cleaning or washing and ironing clothes, don’t underestimate the power of showing appreciation. Your spouse will be encouraged to do more.

Extreme jealousy ruins good marriages. 

There is a big difference between asking your spouse about his or her day and grilling him or her about every moment they are not with you. When your husband mentions that a new account manager started at his firm, you should not follow up with, “Is she beautiful?” When your wife smiles and greets a man, don’t ask her what she’s doing with him or if she’s cheating on you with him. We all have insecurities but consistently jealous behavior and manipulative comments create obvious wear-and-tear on your relationship.

Criticizing, belittling and using harsh words on your spouse will ruin your marriage in the long run. When you criticize and belittle your spouse, you not only diminish your spouse in your eyes, but you also poison those closest to you. If you don’t see the good things your spouse does and criticize their every move, you are pushing your spouse away. If you are constantly badmouthing and belittling your spouse, you are destroying your marriage. Treat your spouse with respect by talking to them respectfully.

Withholding affection and sex will drive your union into the ground. This can cause a huge rift in your marriage, whether you realize it or not. When you refuse to meet your spouse’s need for physical release and affection, you are making a much deeper statement; you do not care about the person’s needs. You don’t withhold sex from your spouse just to punish them for something they did. Your spouse needs to connect with you on a physical level and this keeps the marriage going.

It is important for people to work on these issues so that they can enjoy their marriages and live together in peace, love and unity. This is because some couples are still married but they live like strangers because of pent up anger, bitterness, unforgiveness and constant irresponsible behaviour. Marriage is not easy but do your part to live peacefully with your spouse. No one knows tomorrow.