Sir Jossy and Lady Joy Nkwocha have been married for 25 years. They are marriage counsellors who have helped to solve many marital issues in homes. They are authors and have written four books on marriage which have also helped to address many challenges in marriage.
Their marriage is blessed with five children. They believe in carrying their families along and that has helped them to maintain very good relations on both sides. They spoke to VIVIAN ONYEBUKWA and CHIOMA IGBOKWE on their marriage and other issues.
How did it all start?
Husband: One Saturday in September, 1991, I was asked to come over to Festac to collect a letter from my cousin, Mrs Bernadette Nwafor who worked at the University of Jos. Then I was an Assistant Editor at Quality Magazine.
The next day, after Sunday service, I went. On getting there, I picked an envelope containing Mrs Nwafor’s letter.
On top of the white envelope was written, “Jossy, I’m now in your Lagos-Joy”. It was penned by Miss Joy Ngozi Eke, who just graduated from the University of Jos and was posted to Lagos for her national service service. Aunty Bena had spoken a lot about her, especially her humility, despite coming from a rich family background; her ability to manage things and cooking a pot of soup with N20; her intelligence, having made 2:1 in her degree result; among others. But I had told Aunty Bena that seeing is believing.
We had exchanged a few letters, and as a journalist, I had asked so many questions about her, yet not giving out any information about myself. In one of those letters, Joy had hinted that she was going to Kano for her Youth Service. So coming to Lagos for service, was unexpected, unplanned, somehow divine.
Joy dropped the letter with another cousin of mine, Mrs Lois Usonwu, who lived in 1st Avenue, Festac Town, and went back to her uncle’s house, also in Festac. I was agitated to see who the Joy was. I traced her to her uncle’s house in 4th Avenue. Her uncle, Mr Mathias Okereocha happened to be my uncle’s friend. He is a jovial, bulky man, and he was glad to see me. He quickly announced my presence to Joy and she appeared from the inner room, unfazed. In my mind I exclaimed: “Wao, this is the Joy”. I thought silently and surveyed her physique with piercing eyes.
Wife: Seeing him for the first time, I also tried to recollect all Aunty Bena said about him. He was not as tall as I thought, I thought more about his potentials.
Husband: I stayed for few minutes. When I was about to go I requested her uncle to allow Joy to see me off so that I could ask her about her university days and NYSC arrangement. It was an opportunity for each of us to assess the other more closely. She walked me down to the bus stop, during which I did much of the talking, which was more of a hidden interview.
Would you say that it is love at first sight?
Husband: It seemed so, but being a journalist, I insisted on doing background checks on her before professing my love. When I returned, I was beaming with happiness and boyish enthusiasm.
How did you then propose to her?
Husband: It was on my 30th birthday, Sunday October 6, 1991, so I invited her to my apartment in Maza-Maza, Lagos. Media people are loud people so, she seemed uncomfortable with us at that party. She was watching my movements with the girls. When she signalled to me that she was ready to go back to her NYSC Camp in Iyana-Ipaja area of Lagos, so as not to offend camp rules, I called her to the backyard and proposed to her.
What was her reaction?
Husband: She said “What? It’s too early. Please don’t rush me”. She said softly. Those were the days of girlish innocence. So she declined to accept the proposal on the spot and insisted that she would get back to me. At her 25th birthday on December 17th 1991, I waited expectantly for the “Yes” to my proposal, but she insisted that she should be allowed more time, perhaps to do her own background checks on me. But 25 years later, she has not got back to me with a “Yes” answer to my proposal to her.
Why?
Wife: For a lady action speaks louder than words.
Did anyone oppose the marriage?
Husband: During my father’s one year burial anniversary, I invited her to the event in the village so that my people would take a good look at her and give their consent or otherwise. However, it was a walk-over for her as everyone liked her.
How has it been?
Wife: The marriage had its sweet and sour moments. We have been able to overcome our challenges to make the marriage a happy one. We were among the couples honoured by the church with the “Esteemed Couples” award and we were later nominated and got trained as marriage counsellors.
How were you able to cope despite marriage challenges?
Husband: The first challenge we experienced was that of over-expectation. When we got married, I was already an editor and she was just coming out of school for her Youth Service, and each time I wrote a story or an article, I would give her to read, and she would always comment that it was good and wonderful. But the next day, when I cross-checked it and I discovered a mistake, I would flare up and tell her that I thought she was a university graduate, and she ought to have seen the mistakes, but she didn’t see them.This could create misunderstanding for another two days, and so one day she called me and said I was older than her and I had been practising journalism for many years and I expected her to know it as I did. She said it doesn’t work that way, more so, she was just coming out of school. So with that, we were able to overcome that challenge of over expectation. Today, we tell people not to over expect from their partners.
When he flares up like that, what do you do?
Wife: I told him that, that is why I am a teacher, he too cannot come and teach.
So you flared up too?
Husband: It’s not like she flared up, she was just trying to let me know that I am a journalist and so I know all those things and she is a teacher, and I won’t be able to know as much as she does in teaching. So, she was trying to make me understand, she studied special education and if I come into the field of special education, I won’t be able to know as much as she does in the profession, so it is better for me to know that we have different backgrounds. In this ability to talk over it, we were able to overcome, so the communication was able to help us overcome. Then the other challenge we had was finance. We started our marriage in a very small way, then I lived in a general apartment, in a two room face me I face you house but we were able to manage things and today we teach people about managing finance. In one of our books, I told them that she is my financial manager, she knows the best way to handle money and she was able to do that to the extent that we moved from a-two-room apartment to a-three-bedroom flat. From that we moved to a bigger apartment and then to another bigger one. You can see our trajectory. We keep growing and growing but when you tell people today, they can’t understand. Even people we helped live bigger than us, we are simple people and we were able to overcome that challenge of resources to the point of where we are today.
Recently in Festac, she attended a wedding and they said if there is any woman whose husband has not beaten since they started their marriage, she should come out to witness the cutting of the cake. Everywhere was quiet, just one woman came out and said her husband has never beaten her and they have been married for 25years, so they asked her what her name was and she said Joy Nkwocha, that is my wife, and I didn’t know it happened here. In Lagos, there was another wedding where they called out any man who hasn’t beaten his wife for 10 years, so I told the Master of Ceremony that I was over qualified for that. He asked me to come out and tell my story, so I came out and told them that I have lived with my wife for 25 years and I haven’t beaten her. So there are lot of things that people call challenges, so we don’t experience such things, maybe because of the way we started. We started very strongly and we preferred to talk about the triumphs. We haven’t had much of what people go through. God blessed us with children very early. Within 10 years of marriage, we have had 5 children and we started bringing them up in the way of the Lord. So whatever the problems are, God gives us the strength to overcome.
During those challenges, did you ever regret going into the marriage?
Husband: I have never had any regrets. I took my time to study her and we are from the same community in Imo State, Ngor Okpala community, Owerri, so nothing like that comes into her mind. She always has the tendency to keep quiet when I flare up. Recently I told her that each time I had issues, when I come back I would see a gift waiting for me on the bed, but when we are no longer quarrelling, I won’t see anything. Then I would tell her that we should quarrel so that I can collect my gift. As you said, there are issues in marriages but when you’re talking and your wife doesn’t talk back but listens, you also try to calm yourself. I was telling her the other day that she should be teaching other women. I came here about three weeks ago and she was asking for a particular amount of money and I told her that I didn’t have it, but that same day she got more than three times the amount she was asking for. I asked her how she managed to do so, and I said she had charmed me. So these are the ways to go about certain issues.
How do you achieve this?
Wife: It is just for you to present whatever you need. You should know the countenance of your spouse before you request for something and if you understand him, you know the moment he can give you what you need, but if he is moody and you ask for something, he won’t give, that is the secret.
So, you have never thought of walking out of this marriage?
Wife: No. In Igboland we say marriage is a parcel, anything you see inside you take, but I have not seen anything rotten in my own parcel. But we are humans, it is not that we never quarrel.
What has kept this marriage?
Couple: We firmly believe that the success of our marriage in the last 25 years is the result of true love and the handiwork of God Almighty. That is why we are celebrating the anniversary with a special thanksgiving service at the same church we were wedded.
How can you describe your wife:
Husband: She is a woman of gentle spirit, my best friend and my financial manager. For everything we have achieved in the last 25 years, I give her much of the credit. She is that Godly woman who the Bible says builds her home.
Wife: He is a great planner and silent achiever. He is a wonderful husband and father. He also has the fear of God in him. He is the love of my life.
Any pet name for your spouse?
Husband: Yes. I call her Oyiridiya, meaning “Just like her husband”
Tell us about your children
Wife: We are blessed with five children. They are Jewel Oluchi, Joan Uju, Jerry Tochukwu, Jossy Jnr Ebube and Joyce Ekeleoma. Jewel is a first class graduate of Biomedical Engineering and works in the United States. Uju is a final year undergraduate of Project Management Technology (PMT) awaiting her NYSC posting, Jerry is a 3rd year undergraduate of Chemical Engineering, while Ebube is a first year undergraduate of Industrial Chemistry. The baby of the house, Ekeloeoma, is rounding off her studies at Federal Government Girls College.
What are the things that he does that you don’t like and you would want him to change?
Wife: Initially it is this problem of over-expectation. He over expects me to do this or to know this. Then it was an issue but thank God as we are growing, we are equally learning because marriage is a school on its own and we are learning from each other, but maybe if he over expects again I would just walk away and come back when he might have cooled off. So if we were shouting at each other then, we are not going to get anywhere.
What is his best food?
Wife: He likes vegetable soup with wheat.
This issue of cooking has caused a lot of problems in marriages today. What is your advice to young girls who don’t know how to cook?
Wife: It is very important for a woman to cook in the house. Some of our young wives would just go to all these eateries to buy what they and their children would eat every day. It is not the best, it is as if you are chasing your husband away. Learn, if you don’t know, how to cook. Ask someone who knows how to cook to teach you. When they teach you, cook, he would enjoy your cooking more than going out and even the money you spend going out is more than what you would spend in making soup or whatever food at home. So I would advise them to know how to cook, they should cook at home, make out time. If they don’t have time they should cook whatever they want to cook during week ends and refrigerate it or find other alternatives.
How do you handle stingy men?
Wife: Just like a case that came to me, the man is very stingy and the woman is saucy, so I just told her that, it is not immediately her husband comes home that she can start requesting for something. Just observe him, know the mood he is in and then give him what he wants. There are periods or moments you can request for something from him and he would give it to you immediately. Very early in the morning give him what he wants, immediately you are giving it to him, request for what you want and he is going to concur.
What is your advice to young men who want to go into marriage?
Husband: They must understand what they are going into. That is why churches are supposed to have marriage counselling committees to be able to teach people. For instance in my church, the topic we teach is Danger areas in marriage. We have identified about 12 danger areas so that you will understand these pains and when you get into them, if you begin to see them, you will be able to overcome them.
The issue of money is a very big one. If a man has too much money, it is a problem in marriage, if he has no money at all it is also a problem. if the woman has money and the man doesn’t have, it is a problem. Managing joint account and managing money in the home is a problem and that is what breaks many homes.
The issue of sex is also a very big one and people don’t talk about it but it is also something that destroys many homes. The issue of mother-in-law and sister-in-law has also broken many homes.