(Continued from last Monday)
The next three laws are a set. To be dreaded, ‘a good politician’ must in one fell swoop Have A Heart of Stone (Law Number Twenty-One) and Thick Skin (Law Number Twenty-Two) as well as Shock Absorber (Law Number Twenty-Three)! NOUS will teach you how to acquire a heart of stone. You need that animalification.
It confirms that on this planet you are Satan’s permanent representative, if not incarnate. Learn how to be tough. Also, at NOUS, do everything to acquire thick skin. It’s the only known anti-political-heart-attack.
Then study to show yourself approved as a shock absorber. You will need it every step of the way in this game of ego and brawn. Always plan for and expect the worst both in expectations and from people. That way, no result – no matter how cataclysmic – can cause you much cardiac stress.
Law Number Twenty-Four: Feign Love For Dogs! ‘A good politician’ is a person of means, of easy money, really. Once in sudden wealth, develop strange appetites/tastes overnight. You know those appetites, don’t you?
For contextual clarity, let’s dwell on the political love for/of dogs. ‘A good politician,’ whether as power-holder or godfather, suddenly becomes a great lover of dog for a pet. It costs an arm and a leg to ‘pet’ a dog. Mind you, the dog we refer hereto is not Bingo, which can manage three-square-meals of bones or faeces.
No, dogs known to be loved, owned and kept by politicians belong in higher breeds: Rottweiler, Alsatian, etc. Monstrously menacing, these are wolves not dogs. The wild ‘big boys’ eat raw cash. Rich dogs, rich owners!
However, beyond feigning love for dogs, ‘a good politician’ must also play the politics of dog and law. (S)he must necessarily display a conspicuous inscription, beware of dogs, on his/her fence. The signage should, for effect, carry a photo of a ferocious dog. No better non-verbal warning, and legal defence if someone is bitten!
A zoophagous dog with bared fangs (tongue out and dripping spittle) can out-perform a battalion of soldiers when it comes to warding off intruders. An occasional barking by a dog is added advantage. That liquidates any doubt that the signage is an empty threat. Furthermore, choose the dog’s name deliberately.
Here’s a glossary of names in case you need to adopt this doggy warning: Osama, Gaddafi, Bin Ladin, Hitler, Saddam, Mobutu, Rebel, Mugabe, Idi Amin, etc. Dogs with like-names can discourage intruders a hundred metres off. Again, no ‘good politician’ nigerianises his/her dog’s name. For security reasons, never fall to that temptation!
Now, another set of three laws which are so identical they can be called triplets: Be Incredibly Creative (Law Number Twenty-Five; Lousily Loud (Law Number Twenty-Six) and Insanely Optimistic (Law Number Twenty-Seven!
‘A good Nigerian politician’ is unbelievably creative, deafeningly loud and unreasonably optimistic. There’s no moderation whatsoever with him/her. (S)he pulls mindblowing stunts; comes up with impossible ideas. For example: builds a bridge where/when there’s no water or need.
That sub-head puts more money in his/her already overloaded pockets. If a planned meeting or election will not go in her/her favour, (s)he hires thugs to stop it. (S)he uses actions, words and voice levels that only insanity allows. That’s one sure way of forcing attention to self, which is what the game is all about!
And, adopt optimism as your middle name. No matter whether nimbus clouds are so thick and ready to let go, assure your supporters that it won’t rain. When it does as it almost always would, reassure them it’s showers of blessings. Never let anything dampen your morale and always be upbeat because depression is a condition only suffered by ‘bad politicians.’
Law Number Twenty-Eight: Always Be First To Accuse! The line, the best form of defence is to attack, used all over football is actually political. I may not be a football authority but I know that in football, the best form of defence cannot be, is not and will never be to attack. A football team desiring a draw or minimal loss will approach the decider with mass defence, not mass attack.
Mass attack will end in disaster no matter how strong the mass-attacking team thinks it is. Attack isn’t the best form of defence, football-wise. But, it is -in politics. Hence, at all times, in all situations, no matter who is watching or listening, be the first to raise the alarm, to point the finger, to cry foul.
As soon as your thugs (sorry, your boys) are done committing the crime, and have left the scene (of course, leaving no trace), call a press conference. Talk tough, keep a straight face, accuse your opponent(s) of the dastardly inhumanity. Name names only to raise the stakes. And, exaggerate the number of casualties if.
Pay them a noisy media visit. Sympathise and empathise to the point of shedding tears publicly, while gleefully presenting gifts worth millions of Naira. Having lived like a crocodile all your life, shedding tears should come naturally. However, if you are not that good, reach out to one Nollywood ‘cry cry baby’ anointed with the gift.
For a small fee, she should put you through NOUS Course 106: Tears Made Easy. Remember that shedding tears in the full glare of the media is a huge show which none of your opponents will have the privilege or opportunity to repeat. Thankfully, they can’t visit for fear of being stoned or booed, or both. While they struggle to shrug off the accusation, seize the momentum provided by the moment of distraction and hurry on.
Don’t allow any let-up in the smear campaign. Take care of the boys so that they neither crosstitute nor get careless with words as to reveal the truth. Spare no cost to keep your opponent(s) perpetually on the defence. You are well in poll position, so dictate how the drama unfolds -and enjoy it!
To be concluded next Monday