As we approach the last bus stop on this ride of a series, the thinking is that this has been worthwhile, even if I say so myself. This juncture should not be too late to add that this is all a satire. Many thanks to those who have written in. Now, here’s the beginning of the end.
Law Number Twenty-Nine: Prepare To Become A Nocturnal Animal! In Nigeria, everything about politics has to it a touch of insanity or absurdity or both. Politics Nigeriana is tantamount to driving against traffic. In fact, you are a bad politician if you conform; that is, do things how and when they should be done.
‘A good politician’ tells you that 1 plus 1 is 11; 2 plus 2, 22. (S)he saunters in at 4pm for a 10am meeting and, with absolutely no apologies, carries on as if nothing was amiss. Of course, being the best thing since ice cream, (s)he expects those who had been waiting forever to simply thank God for little mercies. What if (s)he hadn’t come at all as had happened on umpteenth occasions?
Funny? Well, that is politics Nigeriana for you. Nothing ever adds up – and nothing ever will. But, everything works perfectly – or so it seems.
This law is a warning to adapt or perish. Daytime is night and vice versa. Darkness ‘shines’ and light does not and cannot comprehend it. That is why anyone looking to become a political success story must learn to sleep during the day and work (that is, attend meetings) at night.
Haters who poke fun at Nigerian politicians for most times acting as if their brains are in their balls, now know it is not their fault. It’s fatigue, no one cheats nature. And, of course, that’s why 98% of the time we are only able to scrape through with results, which attract ‘sorry’ instead of ‘congratulations.’ No good thing can come out of nocturnal foolery!
No matter: to be ‘a good politician,’ schedule all meetings for night. Spoil those who arrive early with free alcohol and company. Regale them with your escapades, while waiting for others. When the meeting finally starts after midnight, be in no haste.
Let it drag on and on. When it nears 5am, review major decisions (if any), gulp everything drinkable and chewable and then, share the money. That insures your political relevance.
Law Number Thirty: Never Foreclose Reconciliation! In Nigeria, politics is fought not played. Nigerians fight in politics the way the sane world fight wars. Opponents throw below-the-belt punches.
Reaction or approach is entirely personal: play the gentleman stupidly on to death or with a rod smash an opponent’s head. It doesn’t matter that the opponent is a woman. Politics Nigeriana knows no gender. ‘A good politician’ plies the trade – as we say in Nigeria: ‘like a man’!
If you are a woman, draw inspiration from the woman lawmaker who slapped a male colleague on the floor of House of Representatives or the female aspirant who kidnapped, and tucked into the booth of her car, a man contesting against her. See? If you crave to be seen as ‘a good politician,’ you must prove beyond every reasonable doubt that you won’t come last in the class of evil men!
The hyper-sensitive nature of politics Nigeriana, coupled with the ‘godification’ of the winner, who by the way takes all, is what forces those involved to do or say abominable things. In the heat of the desperation to win, ‘a good poltician’ is never restrained even by blood. Brothers hurt brothers to gain political advantage. Families (the natural fundamental human unit) break up over something as ephemeral as a political chair!
However, never forget that reconciliation is a political way of life. So, never over-do the harm nor over-say the ploy. Always allow a window or room for peace, which almost always precedes the next electoral or appointment interest. Never say or do things that could return to forestall or haunt peace or reconciliation.
Law Number Thirty-One: Never Forget The God-Factor! This is the daddy of laws. ‘A good politician,’ in spite of and despite his/her idiosyncrasies, wealth and connections in high places, always must love, must fear, must magnify, must glorify, and must consider the Big Man who sits high up there. The bible has a name for ‘the good politician’ who does not heed this law.
Finally, here are a number of political no-go areas. One, never play God. Two, never perform lip worship. Three, when you fall to sin, own up on your knees or on all fours in genuine repentance, and as quickly as you can.
Let your action and speech drip with godliness. Between life and death, choose life and live. Pray without ceasing for our politics and politicians and us. God bless Nigeria!
The giving that God hates
I hate being sanctimonious, yet I can’t help agreeing that very few political givers in Nigeria would make heaven. It’s bad enough spending N100 million on the publicity of a N10 million project or so-called empowerment programme but enough of these same power-holders shamelessly presenting third-hand cars to their lieutenants and allowing such compulsory charity anywhere near the social media. We should stop exposing our country to this much horrendous global shame.
We need to call us to order. We should never gift what we can’t use; we should never seek personal glory from using public funds and we should never advertise things we give and those we give to; worse, when such gifts come from the public till. Also, discourage beneficiaries from going to town with the gist.
Do for others what you would have wanted if you were them. Never treat anyone, let alone your deputy, criminally unjustly because these days tables turn too fast. Remember: now, the evil men do lives with (not after) them!