(Continued from last Monday)
Law Number Thirteen: Divided, We Stand; United, We Fall! That does not make sense, does it? Whatever, this is a wonder-law in Nigeria. Political intimidation attracts better results faster than persuasion.
A dumb power-holder who is ‘a good politician’ can use naked intimdation to divide and rule even the Intelligentsia. ‘A good politician’ divides and rules every time. ‘A good politician’ uses the divided to rule the united. Do you catch my drift?
There’s absolutely nothing anyone can do about this political osmosis. The weak outdo the strong; 16 outnumber 19, willy-nilly. The guilty accuse and jail the innocent; five outshout 27, irrevocably. Politics Nigeriana is wired so.
‘A good politician’ honours the spirit and letter of this law. That way, (s)he continues to mesmerise us. (S)he divides and rules us with our very own kith and kin supporting him/her. (S)he keeps those united in resistance out of favour.
Next up, Law Number Fourteen: If You Don’t Have It, Fake It! Politics Nigeriana is the real-life world of make-believe. The tallest aspirant becomes short suddenly, on hearing that’s the criterion. Ditto dunces: they manufacture astounding academic degrees and sundry qualifications to meet criteria they would only surmount in dreamland.
Undertake an impromptu political-cum-educational census today and see the monumental number of current power-holders who should rather be in jail because most, if not all, of what they say they are or have or have done are bogus claims. Alas, they are not going to prison anytime soon. The system accepts left as the rule, and right as the exception. The key is wrongteousness, the lock righteousness!
Therefore, rather than waste (y)our precious time and resources on any lousy probe, jump on board the bandwagon. Acquire as many spurious academic papers as possible. At any opportunity, shout that you are what everyone knows you are not and may never be. Claim you have done what you haven’t; in fact what you have no intention of doing!
But, in doing these, always always keep a straight face. No matter how much or how frequently your conscience suarezes you, confide in no one. In any case, everyone is doing it. So, why must your goody-goody conscience make you the scapegoat?
Ignore such conscience. It will let you be when it’s tired. And, never tell anyone what you know in spite of how close you think you two are. Tomorrow, the way this thing works, both of you can separate into different camps, factions or parties and then, (s)he will use your Achilles’ heel as his/her trump card.
Law Number Fifteen: At All Costs, Win! If your camp scores 16 and theirs 19, don’t lose hope or chicken out. Also, never allow declaration of the result. Instead, as they ready for the big announcement, declare your faction winners and start mad celebration.
Or, if you have five votes and your opponents five times more, brag to those who care to listen that politics is not mathematics, while you simultaneously concoct grounds for suspension or impeachment. The worst that will happen is confusion: majority for you; minority for them. Even if you are supported by only a tiny minority, don’t give up. There’s something called sympathy votes.
You would receive an influx of crosstitutes once the confusion persists. Confusion itself is victory for you. I mean, you didn’t stand a dog’s chance. At reconciliation, you’d get far more than you thought; in excess of what you deserve!
In Nigeria, ‘a good politician’ spares no cost to win an election or appointment. (S)he goes to every length to win first, knowing full well that the public, the same electorate that didn’t like him/her, will unite in his/her defence when the real winner goes to court or insists on such other moral reclamations. Thenceforth, that real winner will be seen as a trouble-maker. (S)he might never win any future election.
But you, the mago mago winner, will enjoy the electoral loot in peace as well as garner enough dexterity and war chest to perform more daylight political robberies. Sssh, politics Nigeriana is not a church; it’s a cult. Rather than being too righteous, do everything to be announced winner. The winner has nothing to lose going forward.
The next law looms. In saner climes, sportspersons and politicians who have lost, shake hands with or embrace the winner. That’s for saner climes which Nigeria is not a part and may never be. Here, it is an insane taboo to display such weakness if you are, or want to be regarded as, ‘a good politician.’
You who obeyed Law Number Fifteen in toto but emerged not need not fret. Simply engage gear and apply Law Number Sixteen: By All Means, Never Ever Concede! Do all you can to avoid making the so-called concession telephone call or speech. Don’t display such puerile sportsmanship, after all, politics Nigeriana is not sport; it’s war.
Never accept electoral defeat or inferiority in any guise. Politics Nigeriana considers it terminal stupidity to concede publicly that the winner won fairly. It doesn’t matter how transparent the process was. However, if for any immediate self-aggrandisement you decide to play a smart one by trading this off, remember to activate the unwritten part of this code: even if you concede, never do so in public, but if for whatever reason you do it publicly ensure it’s never in writing!
You see the sense in that nonsense? Leave no hardcopy evidence. You don’t want to arm opponent(s) with incriminating documents to nail you with in future. You never know how things will soon pan out.
The so-called winner might suddenly fall out of favour with the powers-that-be. Then there will succession scramble. Who is best-positioned than you, the Alternate-Winner? My, my, my!
… To be continued next Monday