Ask for fertility test if you’re suspicious. If your spouse gets offended explain you felt obliged to know since you’ll be spending the rest of your life with that person

Bolatito Olaitan

Picture this scenario recounted by Sister Faith, a Pentecostal Christian: “My husband and I had Christian courtship. We both agreed to adhere strictly to the church rules on courtship so that we won’t get tempted. We courted for six months and had a beautiful wedding ceremony. However, on the wedding night, my husband didn’t bother to touch me. He told me he was tired and I didn’t push it because I was also tired but then the next day he still feigned he was tired. I left him. For a week he didn’t touch me, and I started crying one night when I tried all my female wiles to seduce him and I didn’t succeed. He finally told me he was impotent. I was shocked, confused and didn’t know what next to do. Right now I am contemplating a divorce but the church doctrine says otherwise. The fact remains that I was deceived into this marriage and I don’t think I can stay.”

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After I read this in my inbox I was in tears. I had to ask for her number and we spoke at length. The only thing I did during this conversation was to listen. I didn’t even try to convince her to change her mind.
I just told her to do whatever she felt was right. This young lady is in her late twenties and so how do you even tell her to stay in such marriage. I think some of our church doctrines are obsolete and need to be reviewed. I know you will criticize me for this but I think some of these doctrines are not realistic anymore. How do you tell a lady that was deceived into marriage not to leave her husband if she wants to? She has been in the marriage for over a year and she didn’t even get to tell her parents until few months ago. I think the guy should have come out clean to her and let her make her decision if she wanted to marry him or not.

Although I thought about other ways of having sex without penetration during our discussion but I didn’t bother to mention such to her because she told me they have tried all avenues and none worked. Moreover, an impotent man is always reluctant to try other methods of having sex because any hint of sex will remind him of his failure. I think that is selfish though, but in our world here, if a man can’t penetrate his woman, giving her pleasure manually makes him feel he is a failure because having an erection, penetration and orgasm is everything.

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Let me share another story. This lady met a Christian brother and they hit it off. They never had premarital sex and few months later they were married. They had sex on their wedding night and after that having sex with him became a tug of war. He is not impotent but his problem is that he doesn’t get turned on by his wife. No matter what she does he remains flaccid. But his wife had confided in me that on two occasions she had caught him watching gay porn. She was devastated. She doesn’t want to admit it to herself but she thinks her tongue-speaking Christian husband might be a closet gay. They have been married for three years and have two kids but every sex is a battle that has to be conquered.

There is another Christian brother who married a firebrand sister in the church and after waiting for several years without having children, they went for fertility test which showed that our dearest sister didn’t have a womb. She said she was “faithing” it; that was why she didn’t reveal her womb status to her husband. That isn’t faith! That was fraud under the disguise of religion!

Honestly, it is only a coward that will trick someone he/she claimed to love into marriage. If you have fertility issues the sensible thing you should do is to tell your partner and let them make that decision to either stay or not. Don’t try to tie them down with the shackles of religion. I understand that many people with these problems now run to the church so that they can cover up their tracks. But for how long do you intend keeping your secrets? That is why some churches have made decisions to include fertility test before a church wedding is conducted and I commend this. But I also think these test should be conducted before then. That is why I always lay emphasis on the fact that when you are in courtship
you should look beyond the emotional surges and romance. You should also ask questions and it is not out of place to ask your fiancé or fiancée if he/ she have any medical history you should know about. Ask questions! Courtship shouldn’t just be about holding hands, whispering sweet nothings or having sex; it is the period you should be asking questions. Ask for fertility test if you are suspicious. It isn’t out of the way because in our part of the world having children is very important in marriage. If your spouse gets offended explain that you felt obliged to know since you will be spending the rest of your lives with that person. Stop bothering your head about the photoshoots, bridal showers and bridal dance. All these things are fun but you should also know about the realities of marriage too. Even if you have made decisions between yourself that you won’t have sex until your wedding night, there are ways you can find out if he is impotent or not. Don’t let anyone use religion to cover up their dirty secrets and then let you drown in the sea of regrets later. For instance, a man who loves you will want to hold and touch you, no matter how religious he is. If he doesn’t try to at all that is a red flag. I understand women are still good at tucking in their emotions compared to men, so any man who doesn’t try to please run or let him have a test before you say yes to him. When it comes to sex many men can’t hold things together, so if he is acting like a saint, then be bothered. These days it is not enough for a man or a woman to tell you he is religious, go do the entire medical test available to validate that. That doesn’t mean your spouse has trust issues. If you don’t have skeleton in your cupboard you would gladly surrender yourself to the test. These days the kind of secrets young people have in their closet I don’t think one should take anything for granted.

I know a lady whose husband had zero sperm count and unfortunately for her she was the one her in-laws were hounding and blaming for their childlessness. They didn’t face her husband and her husband didn’t even try to tell his family that he was the one with the problem. She even made suggestion of having a sperm donor so that they can have children but the husband refused bluntly. And the church was trying to cajole the lady to stay in that marriage. Please who does that? If that lady were to be your daughter would you tell her to stay? Don’t you know her biological clock is ticking? Don’t come and tell me about miracles because I know miracles happen and I also know when people should apply common sense, when necessary too. I think some of the church doctrines should be reviewed because there are some exceptional cases. People shouldn’t be trapped in sexless marriage by religion; they should be allowed to make a choice. And I think proactive measures should be put in place like the fertility test rather than running around during a crisis. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against keeping the bed sacred; if it works for you that is fine and if it doesn’t work for you I won’t impose it on you either. However, I think keeping yourself until the wedding night is one of the safest and most sensible things to do too during courtship.

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