You should never sleep in separate beds
There is no hard and fast rule about married couples sleeping together every day, day in, day out. What if one is a lethal snorer? Does it mean that the other one suffers in silence and never gets enough sleep? All in the name of love? Yeah right! As Dr. Lombardo says, “it is a myth that couples always sleep better and more cozily together than apart. One partner may be a toss-and-turner, or one may hit the hay early while the other keeps a reading light burning till the wee hours. So if one of you occasionally decamps to the guest room, don’t sweat it. Getting a good night’s sleep is crucial to the health of your mind, body and marriage.” Don’t make it an excuse to avoid intimacy or sex.
Never go to bed angry
Where did this one come from? Turns out, it may go as far back as the Bible, which advises not letting the sun go down on your anger. But trying to work through a problem when you’re tired and stressed won’t get you anywhere, says Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, psychologist and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness. “Agree to disagree for now, and to revisit the issue when you’re rested.”
Always be 100 per cent honest
Although we always advocate for total honesty in marriage, please understand that diplomacy also plays a role in good and harmonious relationship. So, when it concerns the way your ex-lover treated you in bed, please do not share the stars that you gave him for super Romeo lover. According to Dr. Bartlein, in marriage, no-holds-barred honesty is not always the best policy. For example, he says, “you don’t need to share details of past relationships. That invites comparisons, and when you compare, someone comes up short.” The bottom line is: be cautious about what you say bearing in mind that there are sensitivity issues to watch out for. You need to be polite and caring when it comes to your partner’s feelings.
Boring is bad
The problem with this so-called rule, says Bartlein, is when couples confuse a calm, predictable union with a bad one. A drama-filled relationship may feel exciting, but in the long run it’s not likely to be healthy. Isn’t it better, she says, to “boringly” know where your spouse is every night than to be “excited” by constant ups and downs? “Better to have a safe, relaxed, ‘boring’ life together in the everyday. You can always inject excitement with vacations and activities.”
You should have sex with your partner to make him/her happy
Mutual happiness should be your goal within the relationship. If you are not feeling up to it but he demands it, please don’t do it just to please him. Sex is for both of you. This may be a particular problem for women, especially new mothers. “Sex becomes yet another item on your to-do list, and you think you have to do it for the sake of your marriage, and the happiness of your spouse,” says Dr. Lombardo. While neither of those reasons is wrong, they shouldn’t be the only reasons. “Sex is for both of you.” Of course neither partner should deny each other the joys of sex as a punitive measure but none need to feel obligated or compelled.
■ Dr. NJ