I will continue today on the ministration my wife and I made at Evangel Pentecostal Church, also known as ‘Victory House’, Iba, Lagos, on March 25, 2018, which was, incidentally, the day we wedded forty years ago.
Speaking on the ‘Hidden Pains of the Heart’, Ify illustrated it with the problems of poor communication and lack of forgiveness in homes. I took over from her and spoke on another ‘Hidden Pain of the heart’: the sex life of a couple. “I want us to stand up and ask God to forgive us forever thinking that sex, God’s gift in marriage, is sinful. Let us also pray for forgiveness for thinking that the spouse, who does not like it, is more spiritual than the more active partner. I rather think that the spouse, who loves it, what God has given us, is even more spiritual,” I said before we prayed.
I told them how I used to take couples from various Churches and professions to Sea School Island by boat. We would spend the whole day discussing marriage, and how I would, sometimes, start the programme by asking them the number of times in a week they were having sex. Most of them would say 3-4, but one day, an Uncle, who marries a French lady, said, ‘Every night, if she can bear it’. That Uncle is not a sinner but a child of God, in fact, he was in my Board in the Scripture Union, Lagos, when I was the Area Chairman.
Sex is important in marriage. It is the oil that lubricates it. An expression of love, it shows intimacy. It is the barometer that measures the health status of marriage. Its knot must be tightened always. Age has nothing to do with it. Sarah, Abraham’s wife, died at the age of 127. He was quite older than her, and yet, after mourning her, he married Keturah, who gave birth to six children. Was sex not involved?
Some women, however, complain that their husbands deny them sex. A wife told me, how her husband, to avoid her, would sleep on a bench at night. Imagine! Another lady complained to me how, her husband would rather share a bed with his younger sister, instead of sleeping with her. A lady told me how her husband would avoid her by spending the night watching television. A young wife complained that her husband would rather turn every night to a vigil. May we not crucify men before hearing from them! Men’s defence is that some wives are careless in personal hygiene, making it uncomfortable for them to be having sex with such wives. The mode of dressing of their wives is the problem of some men. Imagine going to the mall with your wife and your colleague meets you and mistakes her for your mum. “John, I have said it before that you are a bad guy,” he tells you. “What have I done again?” You protest. “So you don’t know? Mama came from the village and you didn’t tell us in the office”. Turning to your wife, he says, “Mama, welcome. How’s Daddy? What of my people in the village?” Will you have any sex desire that night with a lady that resembles your mum? Men are attracted to bed by a ‘Sissy’, not a ‘Mama’.
There are some men, who complain also that their wives deny them sex. The most common defence by women is that they do not have any desire for sex when their personal needs are not met. They complain that while their husbands make sure that their own needs are met, they ignore those of their wives. Some wives complain that their husbands treat them like housemaids. “If I’m a housemaid,” they brood, “why does he want to have sex with me? Does someone have sex with his maid?” We must repent of this. We must learn to do our utmost in meeting the needs of our wives. They are our friends, companions, prayer partners, et cetera.
When I was ministering in a certain church, a lady came out of the ordinary. Her boldness caught my fancy. “Yes, I must say it,” she said, “men are selfish, very selfish on the bed. During sex, they do not consider our interest, but only to satisfy themselves”. While ministering in another place, some wives confirmed that Aunty’s complaint. One of them said, ”I don’t understand why our husbands rush during sex. The time they satisfy themselves, then relax, sleep and even start snoring, is the time we are just getting adjusted for it. How will I be ready for sex with a man, who arouses me and then leaves me, when I need him most?” Men must take it easy. The difference is clear, when a car is driven by its owner and when a thief drives it. Drive your wife as you do your car!
Trust men, they have answers for their conduct. Men’s defence is that most of the time, it is with struggling and almost pleading that their wives consent to sex. “I have been working since morning, without resting. Can’t you have pity on me?” most of the wives complain all the time. “With all these body pains, you are still talking about sex?” Some other wives ask their husbands. Men’s position is that since it is with quarreling, and struggling before their wives give their consent, that they rush before their wives change their minds. “If our wives will see the need for us to have sex, we will not rush again, but, why can’t our wives initiate sex?’ men ask.
Apostle Paul, though he was celibate, made it bold to promote sex relationship in marriage. In 1Cor.7:2-3, he encouraged Christians to marry in order to avoid fornication. He advised couples to be having sex, except the time they set aside for fasting and prayers. At the end, he encouraged them to resume their sex life so that the devil will not exploit it, by causing them to commit adultery.
When Apostle Paul said that the body of a wife belongs to her husband and vice versa, it is not easy to comprehend and practise but the clue is in Matt. 19:6, where the Lord Jesus said, “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh…” Are you ever ashamed of touching or using at will, anything that belongs to you? There is nothing strange for Aunty, sometimes, to initiate sex with Uncle. When I asked wives if they do, only a few of them responded positively. I encourage them to be doing that. Remember our Theme: Making a Haven of Marriage – You can make a difference!
Marriage is meant to be enjoyed and not to be endured. Its success is based on the extent a man and his wife are transformed to unity. Unity cannot be attained if Jesus does not draw near to go with you in the long journey of marriage. He cannot go with you when you are not in communion and in intimate relationship because of living in disobedience.
“Get a glass and put some soft drink in it. Hold your spouse passionately and apologize for the wrong things you have been doing. Promise that you will not go back to your vomit. Drink a bit of the soft drink and give to your spouse to drink,” I told them before Past C.J. Ogwumuike, their Senior Pastor, prayed for them. Pastor Thecla, his wife, handled the lunch.
For further comment, Please contact: Osondu Anyalechi: 0802 3002-471; [email protected]