Recently, the news of a newly married wife whose ex-boyfriend demanded a refund, through his lawyer, for the money he spent on her while they were in a relationship trended on social media and got coverage in the mainstream papers too.
People expressed different opinions on the issue. As with most issues, some people supported the man, who believed he was investing in the future union, but the lady, it was alleged, kept accepting financial assistance from the man despite knowing that she would not settle down with him. Other people pitched their tent with the beautiful bride, who married another man.
Well, in all sincerity, I have never heard of anyone being refunded money spent in the course of a romantic relationship. In every relationship, three things are feasible: it might end up in a wedding, the two people involved can amicably go their separate ways or thirdly, either the man or the woman may be hurt by a breakdown. The matured thing any wounded lion should do is to put such experience behind, move on and allow time to heal the wound.
Just as the social media debate raised by the refund saga was about to abate, a similar issue cropped up in the Southeast, where a young man was seen sweating and reeling out curses on one Njideka, his former girlfriend whose university education he allegedly sponsored, but she later abandoned him for another man that had just returned from Malaysia.
Both cases arose from betrayal. While one man asked for a refund, the other took the matter to the altar of the gods by raining curses on the lady and her family who benefitted from his financial largesse.
It is said that it takes two to tango. When two consenting adults get into a romantic relationship, do they write an agreement stating that if it does not work out, one party would refund money spent on the other during the course of the relationship? Was it a business transaction or affection for each other that brought them together? While the relationship lasts, both would enjoy whatever comes with it, good or bad. Some relationships have consumed lives, yet people moved on. Some have enriched both men and women, while some left a bad taste in the mouth.
In one instance, two undergraduate lovers from a particular university went to a night club, where they danced, ate and generally had fun. As they were returning in the wee hours of the night, policemen at a checkpoint mistook them for armed robbers and shot at their cab. The girl was hit by the bullets and she died. Now, no matter how the deceased family tries to handle the case, would the dead girl come out to tell the story? No, that was what they met at that particular time. The man who is asking for refunds should know that everything is possible in life. It looked embarrassing bringing such request to public knowledge. Since the lady has left you and moved, you as the man should equally move on and life continues.
In the same vein, the man who was jilted by Njideka and her family, why did you not marry her if you were serious? Was she not of marriageable age? Were you busy doing chop and clean mouth? An undergraduate lady can marry and continue her studies from her husband’s home. There must have been a reason that compelled Njideka to abandon the man. The Malaysian money man might not be the reason. I have this feeling that several readers of this column will disagree and attack me on this score. They will say something like this: “She enjoyed his money in school without complaining.” Till date no one has bothered to hear Njideka tell her story, so that we can have a balance. Inasmuch as I like to call a spade a spade, Njideka might not be wrong in her decision. Has anybody bothered to consider the domestic, emotional and physical safety of Njideka with the man? What attitude did the man in question display to her? Granted that he supported her through school, did he relate to her as lord and master? Did she become a lesser being and subjected to a glorified domestic help because she was being supported by the man? Did he actually propose to Njideka and she refused? Assuming that their intimacy had led to a pregnancy and an abortion became necessary, with the attendant risk of losing her life, did the man stand aloof? I encourage all men who cry wolf in such situations to search their conscience before making claims. If this is what relationships have brought to the table, so be it.
Again, has anybody considered what women lose in a relationship? Things that cannot be recovered – the pleasurable hours, days, weeks, months and in some instances years, she gave to the man to sustain the relationship hoping it would all lead to the altar and giving her the honour of a surname shared with the man she had invested so much time in? What about well-heeled women who spend heavily on men, yet they are dumped for other ladies? Imagine how painful it is when a lady puts her eggs in one basket thinking she has found love, and at the end of the day it did not materialize.
What could be more traumatising for a lady on her wedding day that for the man’s regular girlfriend to call him on the phone, and he would say that he would see her later. It is horrible. I recall the experience of Nora, a close pal who worked with a German company. She helped her boyfriend to relocate to Germany through one of the company’s programme. The first thing he did was to tie the knots with a German lady and forgot Nora here in Nigeria. It became a very bitter pill for Nora to swallow; her heart was broken, but then life had to go on.
Does anyone know how many ladies that have been duped by their husbands? Clara worked hard in the banking sector and became a Branch Manager. Her husband knew her financial muscle and would bring all manner of business ideas and proposals that never saw the light of the day because he knew his wife could get some loans. Taking frequent loans saw her out of her job.
At the other end of the spectrum are much younger men who swindle married women they call ‘Sugar Mummy’ of good cash, yet sleep with them? The men folk would quickly conclude that such women were sex-starved and bought it from the younger boys. Be that as it may, men and women who go back to their vomit are not serious human beings. An ‘ex’ should simply remain an ‘ex’ no matter the circumstance. Once a relationship is ended, there is no need going back to it. A sister got entangled in a close relationship with a guy; the relationship was too close for comfort and it did not make a head way. Both went their separate ways but could always hear from each other. After sometime, the ‘ex’ began to come near again, sending her all manner of wishes and posts on social media until he finally appeared in her home. That appearance truncated her marriage and she could not go back to him because he was married.
There have been ladies who also go back to their vomit because of financial support. The God that created the institution called marriage made it to be holy, honoured and respected. Many women have been found wanting in this case going back to their ‘ex’ comparing themselves with the man’s wife and sending them food privately. It is all rubbish. If your ‘ex’ had appreciated you that much, he would have walked you down the aisle. Since he did not, please stop wasting your precious time on someone who is not interested in your existence.
Dear men and women, let all secondary, university, national service year and fresh job relationships that never saw the light of the day remain in the past. That is their final bus-stop and should not be allowed to crossover to destroy a marital relationship. Every ‘ex’ please remain part of the ex’s history. Let your ex enjoy the new found peace. Or else….