Recently, the issue of submission in Nigerian marriages has taken the centre stage. This is because Bishop David Oyedepo stated that the only way to a fruitful marriage is total submission on the part of the woman to her husband. He said that without submission, everything a woman tries to do will be out of place and a submissive woman is precious in the sight of her husband.
I was waiting to hear him tell men to love their wives like Christ loved the church and gave himself for her but I didn’t hear that. I was waiting for him to admonish Nigerian men to love and respect their wives the same way churches hound women to submit to their husbands but I didn’t hear anything. Sighs. It takes two people to make a marriage work. One person can’t be making efforts and the other person is busy making a mess of their efforts and still expects total submission. It won’t work.
It is because of these one sided marriage messages from the altar that many Nigerian women are suffering all manner of abuse in their marriages while their husbands keep demanding submission from them. It is because of this submission gospel that a lot of women have been rendered useless financially and career wise by the men they married. The Nigerian version of submission is subjugation of the female gender. I am not a fan of the submission gospel.
A lot of women are unhappy about failed relationships and marriages. They keep wondering why all their efforts to make their marriages heaven on earth backfired. Some of these women are married to men who disrespect them. Others end up with men who see them as nothing but trophies to be acquired and discarded at will.
The sad thing is that a lot of women are hurting. Many married women are veiling their hurts with church activities and endless prayers. They are nursing emotional, psychological and sometimes, physical hurts because of the kind of men they are in relationships with yet Nigerian preachers keep telling them to submit to these men.
One common denominator in most of these cases is that these women chose men who clearly are not husband material and lack good qualities hoping that by some miracle, they will suddenly transform into good and respectful men.
As a woman, if you choose to pursue a relationship with a guy who clearly isn’t relationship or husband material, then you are setting yourself up to fail before you even begin. Marriage won’t change him.
Some ladies go into toxic and dysfunctional relationships with their eyes wide open and suddenly expect the miracle of behaviour change after they marry these men.
Whether you are single, dating, or in a serious relationship, you need to know the qualities you have to look for in a man, the ones that tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the one and husband material.
A man who is a husband material loves your good qualities, and accepts your bad sides without making you feel guilty for having flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self with him, be vulnerable in his presence and feel safe also.
A marriage will sometimes require sacrifice and compromise as life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him, he will be present with you, he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you. He won’t run away at the first sight of challenges. He won’t blame the witches in your village when you become terminally ill or start having challenges in your career or business. He won’t abandon you when you need him the most.
A man who considers you when making decisions is one you should marry. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Factoring you in shows that he respects you, that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world.
A growth-oriented guy will want to strengthen his character and work on it. A guy who isn’t growth-oriented will say your problem and this is the way he is and you need to deal with it.
Many Nigerian guys with bad attitude and poor social skills fall into this category. They talk to women anyhow and expect these women to keep quiet and take all the trash they dish out all in the name of that’s the way they are.
As a woman, you should build your future with a guy who accepts his weaknesses and tries to work on it, not one who says it’s your problem and you need to deal with it. He probably won’t get it right every time, but if he’s growth-oriented he will at least try.
If that man is going to be your life partner, you have to make sure you both are on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. Sharing common beliefs and values is important when you are ready to settle down.
And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he respects where you stand and that you both are willing to work together to reach a mutually fulfilling middle ground. This can refer to religion, core values, and lifestyle preferences.
In a relationship, you and your man are a team. He sees you as his partner, his equal, as someone of great value who he can grow with, not someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, be there to satisfy his needs.
He respects everything about you, your thoughts, ambitions, opinions, the things you say, the company you keep, and your job. He doesn’t make you feel bad about your life circumstances and he appreciates the person you are and the choices you make.
A husband material is one who is willing to make efforts towards the success of your relationship. If there is a problem, he finds a way to solve it because he wants to work harder, be better, and be his best self.
A husband material is someone you can communicate with without fear. He is a man you can talk to about tough issues even if both of you are upset with each other. You won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of rocking the boat. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important.
Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunication, arguments, and also times when one person doesn’t feel loved. This is normal in marriages. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together with open communication.
A trustworthy man is a husband material. You feel safe being open and honest with him and are not afraid of him violating that trust or using anything against you. You trust that he won’t leave you unexpectedly, that he is genuine and means what he says.
With this man, you don’t feel an underlying sense of suspicion, like he has some ulterior motives. You trust that he cares about you deeply and would never intentionally hurt you.
A guy can have all the qualities on this list but if he doesn’t want to marry you, or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not your husband. When a guy is ready to get married and meets a girl he knows he can spend his life with, he won’t waste time playing games with her. That’s not to say you both will get engaged right away, but you will know that you are meant for each other. It might be the wrong time, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career, more financially stable, but he will still convey his level of commitment, she won’t be left hanging, guessing or wondering about what he wants with her.