We were good friends or so I felt until I defined our friendship on my own terms. For more than 15 years, I never forgot to send a text and even call on my friend’s birthday.
The date is like an alarm in my head. But not for once in those 15 years did this friend send a message or even called to wish me a happy birthday. It didn’t matter that our birthdays are just weeks apart but I cared less because that’s not how I see life.
By my observation, this friend wouldn’t call or text until there’s a need. For instance, if they are to visit Abuja in a fortnight, they start making familiarity and ground softening calls to me.
They call every day or at two day intervals to check on me and three days to their trip, they will announce that they are coming to town and want me to pick them up at the airport or help them make accommodation available.
I never turned down these requests because I believed in being there for your friend. I did it for my friend for like six or seven times. But I also observed that once they are back to base after their visit, they stop calling, not even a ‘we arrived safely’ text message or call is put across to me.
After this person gets what they want from me, our friendship enters tamper mode until there’s need for them, their spouse or sibling to visit town or they need financial assistance.
This friend’s visits cost me money, time and a lot of inconveniences, but it wasn’t a big deal, what are friends for? Unfortunately, my friend will not see even N100 apple to gift me on such visits.
A few years ago, I decided to define our friendship on my own terms and standards. Once their calls start coming frequently again, I ignored them because I already know how they roll.
While I ignored their calls, they sent text message of a visit and airport pick-up, I replied that I wasn’t in town.
Their birthday came which is few weeks to mine and I didn’t send a text or even put a call across on purpose.
My friend’s spouse was to visit Abuja next, they called while I was at work for airport pick up, I told them I was busy and they should make do with airport taxi.
That was the end of our friendship. They tell whoever cares to listen that I have changed, and won’t even agree for meet ups when they are in town.
I just smile when people tell me how my friend complained bitterly that I have changed. I really don’t have anything to say.
If they are so pained by my refusal to remain ‘user friendly’, they should call my number and speak directly to me, I don’t do third parties.
Unfortunately, I’m not one to dignify them with any explanations on why I withdrew my friendship. I would rather they use their tongues to count their teeth or just keep guessing.
After all, they made it obvious through their behavior that growth isn’t for everybody. They expect me to continue accommodating their excesses and just want to stay the same forever.
Losing a selfish friend may sound easy but it is not, it is not just to cut them off, but much more goes into it than just that. Losing someone you have had an emotional connection with for ages is not easy emotionally.
There are times at that early stage that I withdrew from this person that I was tempted to pick their calls or return them, but I chose to be strong for me. It was a decision I gave serious thought before I finally cut ties with them.
If your friends only look for you when in need or start acting up when you are unable to meet their requests, you have no friends but users. They are selfish people with weird sense of entitlement.
They feel their friendship is so important that you should always be ready to go the extra mile for them but they won’t do the same for you.
You have to realize your worth and stop giving people discount in the name of friendship. When you no longer allow them to use you as they like, they cry that you have changed. Fair weather friends are friend of convenience, their friendship ends where the benefits stops.
We often don’t want to accept that friends or even family are using us, but once you feel like it and the signs are obvious, take action. Things need to change.
Confronting them or calling them out as ‘users’ might get them upset and the conversation quickly degenerate. They may turn the table on you, call you petty and manipulate you further by guilt tripping you.
But if your friend apologizes and is willing to make amends, there is a chance they are not using you, they were just oblivious to what turned out to be selfish actions. Sometimes friends get caught up in their own lives and are not aware that their actions come across as selfish.
And if you decide to ditch them, allow your friendship to naturally fade out. Stop picking their calls or making arrangements on their behalf, delay in replying their messages. Keep a distance. Eventually, you will become increasingly distant until you are no longer friends.