It was one of those girls’ gatherings to catch up on old times. One of our classmates was celebrating her daughter’s birthday and ladies gathered to share in the beauty of the day. They exchanged pleasantries and talked about the hardship in the country. In the course of the chitchat, Martha felt that the gathering was the right opportunity to confide in her friends, in hush-hush tone, about the personal challenge she was facing. She said: “My husband described me as a ‘log of wood in bed.” Ngozi prodded her for further explanation, saying, “what did your husband mean by that statement?” And she said: “My husband said I do not satisfy him in bed as expected. Not only did he describe me as a log of wood, he also said I am very boring in bed. He heaped all these on me, notwithstanding that our union has produced two healthy children.”
You would expect ladies to really talk and they did not disappoint as the issue of sex, especially marital intimacy, is a an interesting topic between adults anytime any day. Soon all manner of views, ideas began to tumble out. Martha’s friend pelted her with more questions. They wanted to know if her performance in the exploration was a natural one, purposeful or perhaps she was fighting back an unpalatable treatment from her husband with her ‘non-performance’ strategy. Martha was dumbstruck because she didn’t expect such questions from her allies; she thought it would have been one of those normal cases of “Oh! Yes, men do not like us.” It was not funny. Julie’s mind did a flash back, as she asked: “Was that why Bruno dumped you in school and we all fought the poor boy together?” Martha was dazed because her mind never went that way back. Julie also added that Martha’s husband actually loves her, which explained why he spoke out. Ordinarily, he would have found satisfaction outside their matrimonial home while Martha became the most dutiful wife with her oil well abandoned like those in Olobiri.
Martha’s friends being friends indeed immediately began to look for solutions. Julie who hails from the South-south suggested that Martha should go for the one-month fattening room experience put together for a bride-to-be. “You will be practically mentored on how to keep a man to yourself by the women who run the fattening room,” she said.
Now let’s get real, it is not only women who think men do not satisfy them or apparently last for just one minute. Many men are also complaining bitterly and seriously about their wives’ poor performance in the ‘other room.’ Those women who remain stagnant in bed and wait for a miraculous satisfaction fit the ‘log of wood’ description. Women who tell their partners they do not enjoy oil rig exploration are also in the one-minute category; women who are perpetually tired are part of the same one-minute show. Agreed, most women use this compatibility as a weapon to fight back a husband’s ill treatment; it is understandable, but when laziness becomes the order of the day, you cannot blame a man when he says his partner is a log of wood.
Interestingly, when a man digs and tilts, he expects a response and reciprocation from his partner, but when she fails to carry out her own responsibility and allows the man to do the one-wing flight, she can be best described as boring. Men also want to be taken to the moon and back. Remember that scene in the movie adaptation of the Sidney Sheldon’s ‘Other Side of Midnight,’ when the leading lady gave the shipping tycoon, Damaris, an out-of-this-world ride that got her a private jet, to cruise all over Europe. Women who are full of excuses should know that it is a communication, which must accept each other especially when two have given their consent to it. It is a meeting point that climaxes at the crescendo because it is not rape or forceful access. No Daddy ‘GO’ watches over what happens between couples at such times. It is freely given and should be received freely. The way a woman wants to be turned around, vacuum cleaned and be satisfied with superlative performance, so also does the man needs the satisfaction. It is from the experience of non-performance that some men oblige their partners to be a little intoxicated before going into the love duel and humorously coined that crafty adage with deep interpretation that says, “When a woman drinks, she becomes more useful to her husband.”
Indeed, a story was told of a man, who whenever he touched his wife to fulfill that natural urge the woman always became a rabble-rouser, who complained of pain and only pain throughout the duration of the show. When the excitement is destroyed with protest, disagreement and obnoxious act, the willing man gradually finds his way back into his normal shelf.
A one-wing flight is no flight. Other crewmembers contribute to the take off and smooth landing of the aircraft. When a man is given what is due to him, he grins from ear-to-ear. A colleague told of a man who was racing, and doing excellently well in the rig area, the wife looked at him and said, you are cruising perfectly above the sea level, if you are asked to bring money, you will be talking rubbish.
Again, the manner with which pregnancies and childbirth take the shine off satisfaction is admirable. Even the man who is not satisfactorily patient, the moment the stomach protrudes nobody takes note of the suffering facial expression emanating from poor bedroom performance. When a man manages to find his way to drop the oil of fertility within a second, he becomes a king and applauded; likewise a closed-up woman. This piece is not about fertility, but satisfaction from both ways. What is sauce for the goose is equally good for the gander. Not all women can beat their chest and agree that they satisfy their men. Some men are struggling and looking for solution to this problem.
I do not blame a man who gave his would-be wife a condition to be a kind and loving woman out there and a prostitute in his bedroom. “With just the two of us in our bedroom, keep me with vibes and actions. You will win my heart forever.” That was just his simple demand.
Exploration is one of the reasons both men and women seem to go against that biblical point of staying away from the flesh until marriage commences. When such discoveries are made, it helps to form the opinion of both either to continue the relationship or not. To tell the importance of contentment, a story from the grapevine says female foreigners rush African men because of strength and satisfaction.
This closeness we are looking at today includes buttons to be pressed. As the women are grumbling with something in their men, so also do men have one reason or the other to whine about them. Not all women have the right mumu-buttons. Flat chested ladies share a common boundary with men of baby organs. Both belong to the same family and are not super caregivers. No wonder the increase in padded undies.
Dear Nigerian women, understand that you are not super heroes, you have a duty not to be a one-minute woman. Give it your best and make your man happy. Whatever you expect from him, give it to him first. Also know that there is time and season for everything. The time for a fully loaded two-wing enjoyable flight is not when to discuss school fees and house rent. It is not when to remember the last time the wardrobe was changed neither is it time to remind him of the money you asked for and did not get. Time for action is time for action; other family issues could be discussed later at the dining table.