The two of them “fall for ground y-a-k-a-t-a!” (Won lu le gbii!). They are giants in their own rankings. But they continue to fumble, stumble, bumble and flounder all the way.
The end is not in sight for them. Give them any slight opportunity and they stagger in no mean magnitude.
Mother Luck is not on their side. And that is working in our favour. But it’s worrisome to them. They are not finding it easy either.
They need to worry. The speed at which they err and goof is alarming. Are they cursed? But we care less. We are enjoying every bit of it. In fact, the more the merrier.
For everything under heaven, there are times and seasons. Theirs is no exception. It is now. Their own season of blunders. It’s our time of laughter. And we are doing just that heartily.
The duo is it! Atiku Abubakar and Bola Tinubu are in the eye of the storm. No contest about that. They asked for it. And they are getting it in maximum measure. Unshaking together.
Do you pity them? Who would? They selfishly christened themselves the leading gladiators. And they behave so really. Perhaps, that informed their recent attitude.
Their focus is on the 2023 presidential election. Nothing else matters to them. It has become a matter of life and death. They behave as if they are the only contenders in the race.
Atiku is former Vice-President. He was in ex-President Olusegun Obasanjo’s government, 1999 to 2007. Tinubu also served in the same period. He held sway as governor of Lagos State.
That is where their seeming similarity ends. Now they both want the highest office in the land. And they are fighting tooth and nail. They are the worst of political opponents presently.
They attracted severe criticisms in this past week or so. They stirred up avoidable controversies. And they have since been kept on their toes. It’s no longer rosy. Not business as usual.
The duo offended our delicate sensibilities. And we are not taking kindly to that. It is the very reason for the huge uproars that trail their needless utterances.
Who fired the first shot? Who belled the cat? Tinubu was brave. He did open the floodgate of blunders and “mis-speeches.”
Dateline: Friday, October 15, 2022, Kaduna. Event: Kaduna State Investment Summit, coded, KadInvest 7.0. Tinubu was specially invited. For political reasons, of course. It’s given.
The Jagaban seized the ample opportunity. Who would not? He showcased himself as much as he could. He mustered all the strength in him. It was rare to have such audience on a gold platter.
So, he sold himself, his only product: “Nigeria needs thinkers and doers. I’m openly begging Nasir El-Rufai (state governor) not to run away for additional degree. There are lots of educated relics (whatever that means). We are not going to let you run away.”
Then the mother of them all: “Your vision, creativity and resiliency in turning a rotten situation into a bad one is necessary at this critical time. And this is why we are here.”
Tinubu carried on unperturbed. He neither cared nor bothered to make amends. He had the window to do that. But he left it wide open. And the social media, foes and even friends feasted on it to the maximum. Who’s to blame?
Later in the day, his legion of aides was on the prowl. The squad was led by Bayo Onanuga. He is Director, Media and Publicity, Tinubu-Shettima Presidential Campaign Council.
A fine and thorough journalist. He was honest enough to admit that his principal goofed badly: “The APC leader inadvertently said El-Rufai ‘turned a rotten situation’ he met on ground in Kaduna into ‘a bad one.’”
Onanuga told us what Tinubu actually had in mind: “Whereas he meant to say ‘to a great one.’” He agreed it was an error, but: “It was a mere slip, that is not unusual in life, even among leaders of nations.”
His mood, however, suddenly changed. He took umbrage at the hullabaloo that trailed it: “We recognise we are in political season where everything is latched on for deliberate distortion and twisted mischief.
“While mischief-makers went so low, we noted that the audience at KadInvest 7.0 followed Tinubu with rapt attention and knew he only had a slip.” Oh, what a wonderful audience! Very understanding, sympathetic.
Atiku picked an unwise cue from Tinubu. Was it for fear of being outshone? One wondered aloud why he followed suit the following day. The rest is gradually sliding into ugly history. Sad.
He too was in the same Kaduna. It ought to be a familiar terrain for him. He was in the midst of his people, so to say. He knew them inside out.
His invitees included but not limited to Arewa Consultative Forum, Arewa House, Sir Ahmadu Bello Memorial Foundation, Northern Elders Forum (NEF) and Arewa Research and Development Project. They called him for an interactive session on his presidential bid.
Hakeem Baba-Ahmed is spokesperson, NEF. He questioned him about why northerners should vote for him. Atiku lost control: “What the average northerner needs is somebody who’s from the North and understands that part of the country and has been able to build bridges across the country.
“This is what the northerner needs. It (he) doesn’t need a Yoruba or Igbo candidate. I stand before you as a pan-Nigerian of northern origin.”
He beat his chest and boasted uncontrollably. He justified his outburst: “I have traversed the whole of this country. I know the whole of the country. I have built bridges across the country.”
Almost, that same moment, the Atiku camp sensed immense danger. They knew sensitive toes had been stepped upon carelessly. They went to work. The task fell on his media team. Just before the close of the day, they found their voice.
His spokesperson, Paul Ibe, led the pack. He practically begged us to interpret Atiku’s utterance this way: “I have been in politics for more than three decades and I am a northerner. So, if you ask me why I am the best candidate to lead Nigeria in 2023, I will simply say that what Nigeria needs is a pan-Nigerian President, not whether he is Yoruba, Igbo or Hausa-Fulani.” We are still labouring to make sensible sense out of this.
These queer species are unredeemable. We agree. It’s their turn to flounder without ceasing. It is their turn to be rubbished. Oh, yes, their turn to eat, agbado, cassava, eba, paaki, gaari, et al.
The 2023 election won’t be the same old song. Old and odd things have passed away. All things have become new for us.
This election will be made interrogative, interactive and conversational. And it is intentional. The candidates must be directly and actively involved. No more opportunities for proxies.
We have permanently shut that laxity down. It is for the good of us all. We learnt our bitter lesson in a hard way these past terrible seven years.
We swear, no more interruptions. Spokespersons, bootlickers, do-gooders should keep their distance. They are no longer relevant to us. They have had their bad times. We won’t tolerate them again.
We need to hear out these candidates. They must speak by themselves and for themselves. They are the contestants, not their aides. We want to hear from the horse’s mouth and not from the goat’s.
We desire to form informed opinions about these contenders. Their overzealous aides should stay away from us. They should not feed us lies and fallacies, as they would love to.
Falsehood has been their deadly stock in trade, their potent power. They did it with reckless audacity in 2015 and 2019. The reason for our present woes.
We’re glad that sordid era is closing up on itself. Never to have a repeat performance!
Sure. It’s in our interest they continue to lose balance and totter. They are doing just that, to our greatest delight. We cherish it with relish.
For us, it’s fun, revelation unabated!