There’s nothing wrong with dating a man with children. You just have to know what to expect if you decide to go into a relationship with a man who has children. If you cannot accept and love a man’s children like yours, please leave that man alone.
It is not easy to navigate the world of a man with children so you have to know what you are getting into. You shouldn’t complicate your life by agreeing to date this man and then start demanding for unending attention later on. You have to be mentally and emotionally stable to venture into this terrain.
Dating a man with children isn’t the same as dating a single guy. Men who have children have different obligations and aren’t looking for women to walk in and out of their lives anytime they like except they are just having flings. These men need stability and mother figure for their children in most cases.
If you are still in the phase of throwing tantrums over trivial things, then you are not ready to be a part of that world. So, before you agree to spend time with a man with children, seriously think about what you want, because this isn’t only about you anymore. You must think about his children and how they fit into his life, time and schedule.
The first thing you must know about going into a relationship with such a man is that his children come first. If you are a possessive woman or one who is extremely jealous, this isn’t going to work out for you. The children always come first, keep your selfishness at bay. Don’t get angry. You don’t expect a father to choose you over his children except he’s a deadbeat or irresponsible father.
Another thing women must know about accepting to date men with children is that their exes will always be in their lives except the man is a widower. You will see photos of these men and their exes. Your man will be making phone calls to the mother of his children and that’s normal. They will be in communication with each other regarding their children. Again, if you have a jealous streak in you, lose it or leave that man alone.
If the mother of your man’s children is still alive, she will want to meet you and know you better for the sake of her children. You don’t have to be petty or dramatic about this. This is where maturity comes to play. You will need to be cordial and come to accept that she will also be in her children’s lives. You have to show your partner that you are responsible, sensible and invest in taking on the parenting role. Because let’s face it, you will basically be his children’s step mum if the relationship progresses.
You don’t have to overstep your role, but you will have to show his children’s mother that you are not going to negatively affect their children’s lives. You will have to accept this as being a part of a team. So, get over your jealous emotions and get involved in your share of the team work. Love his children and treat them right.
You don’t have to meet his children right away. Take your time so you won’t disrupt his children’s lives. If he introduces you to his children, that means he’s serious about you. Also, this introduction is showing his children that there’s a new woman in their lives. This isn’t bad but it’s not fair for them to be introduced to you, and then you realize you are not interested. You have to be sure you want to be a part of their lives.
Find out what these children think about your relationship with their father. You are not their mother, so, they may view you as an intruder to their family. Take things slow at first. It’s an adjustment for not only you, but them as well. They may be temperamental and opinionated around you because they are hurt and feel you came to replace their mother.
Before you say something you might regret, remember why they are acting like that and take it easy. Don’t force anything. Children are highly emotional and know when you are being insincere. You can spend some time individually with them and let them ask you whatever they like. You can also sit down with them and let them know that you are not trying to replace their mother. Essentially, you need to build trust between you and them.
Dating a man with children means your plans with your man will change a lot. You have to understand that the children come first and not become a nag. With children, plans will always change and emergencies occur. You need to compromise and accept what happens with your man’s children, just go with the flow. If not, you will go insane. Again, remember that he has to be a father indeed to his children. If you are not comfortable with the arrangement, walk away on time. You don’t have to be resentful.
You need to understand your boundaries while dating a man with children. Since these kids aren’t yours, you have to understand you have limits and boundaries that you can’t cross. If you’re angry at his children, let him know. You don’t have to be inappropriate with them but you shouldn’t let his children walk all over you either.
You have to learn how to handle difficult situations without treating the children like your own. This isn’t going to be easy, but during these situations communicate with the guy you are with and he will support you. Be loving but firm. Enforce discipline but with calmness and fairness.
Patience is a virtue and you will need a lot of patience if you decide to date and marry a man with children. Dealing with children is not an easy task, especially when they are not yours. If you feel overwhelmed at any time, talk to your man and express your feelings clearly, don’t assume he should know what you are feeling. He has to understand what you are going through and offer you support. Take some time for yourself to let off steam. You can go somewhere relaxing for a while to calm down.
Take your cues from the children. If you are perceptive, you will see very quickly how involved they want you to be. Pick up on those cues and respect them. Trying to force yourself on the kids will backfire in a huge way. Take baby steps, let them come to you, and focus on building a relationship. Don’t take it personally if they don’t flock to you right away. There are a lot of factors contributing to how they react.
It is easy to look at your partner’s children and talk about how you will do things, and how you will react to situations that come up. The truth is, when you are looking in from the outside, you don’t have the emotions that come with this role. Sometimes those emotions creep in and make things more challenging to deal with. Learn to control your emotions while dealing with your partner’s children so that things don’t get complicated and quickly.
Ladies, before you agree to date and marry a man with children, ask yourself if you are emotionally and mentally ready to be part of this world. If you can’t answer this question truthfully, this terrain is not for you. Go and find your prince charming somewhere else. All the best!
RE: Why Nigerian men love the submission gospel
This word submission you belaboured so much over in a whole page is easy and very simple only for a sanctified true God-fearing child of God in a marriage, but it is grievous, hard, complex and even impracticable for carnally minded Christians.
Submission in marriage can only be understood when you have a revelational understanding of the relationship and what transpired between GOD the Father, and JESUS the Son on one hand and JESUS the Head (husband) and the Church His Body(wife) on the other hand.
Biblical submission of a woman to her husband is only commanded and practicable for a virtuous woman who has died to self, the world and things of the world. She is one who is also married after God’s counsel to a God fearing husband in whose heart the love of God is ever overflowing toward God and man. These are the couples that can truly practice mutually beneficial submission and love.
-Joseph A. Solomon, Kaduna
I appreciate your write-up. I believe that women equality with men in all things will even favour men more than this present set-up where men senselessly believe they must control all things and that women must be subservient to them.
I believe men and women should have the right to initiate a relationship and propose marriage to his/her partners. I believe men should submit to their wives. I believe female leadership is the ideal/best leadership for this present age. These beliefs have made so many males to hate me, not knowing that in such a scenario, we (the males) will even fare better.
-Otuekong Amama, Akwa Ibom
Kate, I can see why you are still single at your age. Stop misquoting the Bible and misleading women with your gormless write-ups. Read Ephesians 5v 22 to 25. Read it with understanding that is to say the woman should first of all submit herself to her husband before the husband love her. Is that clear?
Dear Kate, I advise every woman to liaise with NGOs that that treat these cases. Every wife should lock her phone with pin and pattern, keep her sales book secret and never tell when alert of salary enters.
-Cletus Frenchman, Enugu
Kate, you are doing a nice job with your column. Keep up the good work. Submission is a word often used by men who find themselves in the wilderness of marital domination and tyranny. Submission is good upon the premises that,a man must love his wife.
Usurping submission by men of this age have enslaved and disastrously sent many star shinning, promising women to their early graves. God created men and women equally, no one is greater than the other. Egalitarian society doesn’t give any man the licence to make a woman his puppet.
Kate, I pity you. Look at how you foolishly wrote a page of rebellion against the law of God. Are you a Christian? Do you know God? Do you know what it means to be a man in this world? You don’t know anything but you think you are wise by writing lengthy articles challenging men who are mini gods.
I don’t think you are married and that’s why you pour out your frustration against men on your page every Saturday. Be humble and submissive as a woman and you will get a man to hon our you. Your pride won’t take you anywhere. Repent.
-Pastor John, Lagos