Parents with secondary infertility don’t often get much sympathy, so they end up feeling as though they don’t have a right to be sad.
Kate Halim
Secondary infertility is more common and emotionally painful than many people think. Many parents struggle with the inability to conceive or carry a baby to term after having one or more children.
Most parents have a mental image of their ideal family, and if they find themselves unable to make that happen, it can be devastating.
Infertility is heartbreaking and stressful, whether you have a child or not. In fact, being a parent adds a layer of complexity.
For one thing, parents are immersed in the world of kids, so it’s impossible to avoid all the babies and pregnant bellies that remind you of what you are missing.
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Parents with secondary infertility don’t often get much sympathy, so they end up feeling as though they don’t have a right to be sad.
They may also feel guilt on two fronts, for not giving their child a sibling and for directing some of their focus and resources away from that child.
One of the most frustrating aspects is that trying to get pregnant involves so much waiting. Waiting to ovulate, waiting for test results, and waiting for next month to try again. But this journey can be made more manageable.
The reality is that for women, fertility peaks at age 25 and drops by half between ages 30 and 40. As women age, egg quality declines and they are more likely to develop fibroids and endometriosis, which contribute to infertility.
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Be proactive about seeking medical assistance. Most experts recommend seeing your doctor after a year of unprotected sex if you are under age 35 and after six months if you are over 35. But if you are worried sooner, speak up.
Learn what tests you should expect. During an infertility workup, you and your partner will be asked questions about your current health and medical history.
Also expect blood work and ultrasounds to determine whether you are ovulating and to check your egg supply, an X-ray to look for blocked fallopian tubes, and a semen analysis to measure sperm count and quality.
Create a plan. Sit down with your partner and make a fertility road map that outlines what you are willing to try and for approximately how long.
“Would you do in vitro fertilization? How much money can you spend on treatment? Then build in a timeline. When you define a time frame, dealing with infertility doesn’t feel like an endless void.
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Anger, sadness, and anxiety are common among parents struggling to expand their family. Having a child already doesn’t make going through infertility any easier.
Prepare for tough questions. No matter how many times you have been asked, “When will you have another baby?” the query still stings. Try coming up with a quick comeback like ‘we actually love having an only child’—and commit it to memory.
One of the biggest challenges is balancing enjoying the child you have with wondering if you will ever get the larger family you want. Worrying about what’s happening next robs you of the pleasure of the moment.
