Has anyone taken pains to find out why a once celebrated, beautiful, romantic union between a man and a woman breaks down and breeds acrimony, resentment and anger? Has anyone also bothered to understand why some of the underlying issues between couples defile all manner of pleas and ultimately cause marriages to break down on grounds of irreconcilable differences?
A cursory evaluation often shows that factors like poor communication strategy, personal power, marriage autonomy, pretense, lies and general bad conduct are the major causes. In the African context, one might not also rule out issues like undue intrusion by relatives, sexuality, disappointments and family finances. These are very crucial issues that when not handled with care can lead to squabbles.
It is common knowledge that spouses do occasionally quarrel (and that is understandable in all relationships, but the real threat to the union is when one of the spouses begins to find peace, love and comfort somewhere else. That is when the need for intervention and settlement must be activated, to enable them sort out their problems by themselves. Or in the last ditch effort involve credible and genuine counsellors, to make them reach understanding, admit faults and make amends. A key factor in this is the state of the mind of both parties, ranging from their thoughts and communication pattern. While some are naturally outspoken and express their dissatisfaction with the tone of the relationship, others may not be communicative. They just grumble privately, nag, heckle, become controlling, hide their pains and suffer in silence until something causes the dam to burst. It is the tendency to bottle pain in a marital relationship that often leads to destruction of the union.Spousal deceit is a major factor that causes marital unions and relationships to crumble. Take the case of Jane Joseph, who became pregnant towards the end of her national service year. During the undergraduate years, she had been in a relationship with Kingsley Uwanga, who was serving in another town and occasionally visited her. In the course of the dalliance, Jane got pregnant. When Jane informed him, Kingsley accepted responsibility and agreed to support her until the delivery. When the child was born, a boy, he was named MacNelson. Fellow corps members felt Kingsley and Jane should go ahead to tie the nuptial knot, but Kingsley developed cold feet, saying he was not sure of being the biological father of Nelson. After overcoming the shock, beautiful Jane sent the child to her mother who lived in Benue State, to look after and raise him while she sought to get back on her feet, after she remarkably recovered her figure after childbirth.
In the course of time, Jane got into a relationship with the branch manager of a new generational bank. This quickly led to marriage. The new husband accepted Nelson, who Jane had presented to her husband as her nephew. The union went well and years passed. But trouble burst the balloon of her joy when Kingsley traced Jane and Nelson to her new home because his own marriage had not produced a child. Hurt to the marrow by the revelation, Jane’s husband dissolved the marriage, calling her deceitful woman. .
At the other end of the relationship spectrum are those who refuse to allow external influences to determine what happens in their union. Those ones dig and confront the challenges marriage throws at them. Then are those who think friends are better than their spouses and therefore allow such advise them on everything concerning their marriage have had severe regrets in that they had experienced unhealthy relationships. Adewale was such a busy bee at work who allowed his work to cause a strain in his marriage. His job involved frequent travels, to supervise sister companies and conduct audit of their operations. During such visits he also enjoyed the company of other ladies. His wife Wura found consolation at the gym where she regularly went to exercise before heading to her business. During one resting session between exercise routines, a male member gave Wura a very warm smile while saying hello. That led to a short chat and they exchanged phone numbers and a relationship kicked off. A once lonely woman found laughter, attention and fun, while still married to her husband.
One of the reasons people marry is the freedom to enjoy holy sex in the marital relationship. So when this vital component of the marital relationship is denied through various ways, it aggravates other issues, which altogether threaten the union. That is why couples must necessarily have a proper conversation on it. If this is not done promptly and dealt with properly, such negligence would be like giving the devil a veritable sledge hammer to break the couple apart, either through the manor woman getting into an extra-marital affair. God who is all wise and instituted marriage also packaged sex into it.
Do I talk about some annoying idiosyncrasies that affect strain interactions between spouses, and chip away the substance of the relationship. It is never acceptable in the African clime that men should be layabouts and allow the woman to bear the burden of paying all the bills.
Africans applaud the spirit behind marital relationships which unites two different families. The actions of relatives have led many couples into disarray while trying to favour or shield a relative’s action. Mrs. Nneka Onyeoziri has become a semi-divorcee in her marriage because she takes instructions and decision from her younger sister who is not married because the lady in question is the cash-cow, so in order to benefit from her sister’s largesse, she obeys her younger sister to the detriment of her own marriage. Apart from the control, some spouses that come from more accomplished background, use it to taunt their partners and raise various forms of abuses unto them. Imagine this scenario, Stella gave birth and her mother came for the ‘Omugwo’ with joy. But her husband Dayo kept insulting and accusing the mother-in-law of eating most of the meat in the soup pot. The situation made Stella so sad and pained that she decided to allow her mother have her own pot of soup all the duration of the visit. Needless to say that it was very unpleasant experience for Stella’s mother.
Again, what is the parenthesis to measure cheating on both sides between a couple? No one celebrates a cheating spouse neither has any won a laurel. The act of double-dealing rather damages and dissolves happy marital life if not carefully handled. No matter how one looks at it, cheating is not only when it comes to sexual actions, there are some men who would never allow their women have financial freedom. Ngozi screamed out when her hubby says, she should quit her well-paid job and do something from home. He said “I do not like the idea of couples running all over town in search of money. I would prefer you do something from home and be in perfect control of the home-front especially that the children are very young and leave the financial provision for me.” Though it sounds good; but after all the education, the brilliance and accomplishment, does all these show at home? A lot of issues arise with this suggestion because some women can abide with it, while some would not. Nevertheless, one might not equate this as bad as a sexual flirting cheating husband or wife. A cheating wife has spread terminal diseases that left 5-children as orphans. She could not control the sexual urge when she saw the packs on her husband’s head apprentice gigolo. She did all that was within and lured the young man and ate him raw. She would also service her husband and HIV/AIDS spread within the family. In no distant time, her husband died first, followed by her apprentice lover before she closed up the family and joined the saints as well. She left five children out of recklessness and lack of control.
The list of things that lead to rumbles in marriage, make them quake and crumble is endless.