[Fela’s classic lyrics “DEM KILL MY MAMA… kraaling the background at the heavily barricaded headquarters of the Combat Regiment… enter Major Gen. Boji-Boji Atamuna the Prince from Igalaland and the veteran TWICE Commander of the Regiment. On the double, behind him and taking their command positions are: Col. Tongue Cutter Burutali Koboko (G.S.O.), Major Olajide Olakankita (Adjutant), Major 419 Utueke, Sergeant Okon Bassey… etc]
Gen. Boji-Boji Atamuna: Sound the bugle…and put the Combat Regiment on Red Alert! G.S.O. give me the SITREP!
Major Olajide Olakankita: Sir, before the G.S.O. states the SITREP, I proclaim a state of emergency!! The situation is so grave, we may be taken alive if we continue to allow these giddy children continue to barricade the streets and burn us out of power.
Sergeant Okon Bassey: Army don spoil!
Major Olakankita: Imagine an unarmed army of children confronting, unsettling organized units of our Armed Forces; armed with their ubiquitous phone cameras and Internet facilities, swarming up the whole landscape and the Command is at sea on how to confront these soldier ants.
Major 419 Utueke: Major na you be G.S.O. Let the Col. give the SITREP… if you have lost your Command in the Wild West…maintain discipline; allow the Col. do his job.
Col. Tongue Cutter Burutali Koboko: Sir, G.A.O.C… THE GRAND ARMY OF CHILDREN is not the WAHALA at this point of our national crisis. Those children are well-intentioned and committed to their cause. In fact, they identified themselves to our top Brass. They have itemized and delivered to the Presidency their demands. Our problem, according to our intelligence, is not the G.A.O.C, but the Hungry Brigade of the Hoodlums. BOH.
Major Olakankita: Benni…this is another suicidal army from the streets; armed with any available dangerous implement, they have no organized formation. Their environment and locations, by and large, determine their type of leadership, modus operandi and, effectively, their recruitment and followership. They hate interference by outside forces in their areas of overlordship, unlike the ideological and brutal Boko Haram, the Fulani Bandits of the Sahalel, the BOH is at once the product of the spontaneous simmering lapses of the collapsing structures of the Nigerian Federation. It seems to me that their immediate objective is to survive the granite harshness of the Nigerian government and, as they grow, replace the fat political parasites who are their masters. As a result of being on the receiving end over the years, they tend to enjoy their Occasional Class Suicides; what Ngige rapped as “Mushin Boy in the Senate!”
“The Governors of Rome and the Senators of Rome dread these Ajegunle, Mushin rising sons of Carpenters.” The officers of BOH are those Suicidal Commanders who take relish in invading warehouses, burning police stations and carting away food palliatives, motorcycles, etc, and releasing their imprisoned Machete Fraternal. Until we restore order, the BOH will continue to be on the prowl.
Major 419 Utueke: Sir, there is a call from London, the former First Lady; my sister, she is asking after the G.O.C.
General Atamuna: Put her on the speaker and inform her that the G.O.C. is on Sabbatical. I, General Atamuna, can handle the emergency.
Ex-First Lady: I have told my husband that the meeting at Aso Rock missed the point. I will continue to miss Ojukwu and his manhood.
On behalf of we, widows of these non-performing ex-this and ex-that, I move votes of no confidence on these old, fragile, spent presidents who have all lost their manhood. Look at Go On With One Nigeria…yes, look at a former charming Officer, now reduced to a praying mantis in the face of the constant slaughter of his people…the tired all-grey face of another fallen angel, Peace Committee Chairman, Sallam Abdul Sallam. The former manhood perambulator… the Head of State who at will showed his female ministers that he was a Champion Manhood Napoli attacker. On behalf of the ex-First Ladies, the widows, I mourn his loss of gas and, finally, the President who politely told Abacha “ema worry”… once you are ready to take over just send your driver over and I will step down. “Please, don’t forget, am just here to wait for you.” He was our President for two months and has presented himself as a retired ex-President, taking all the gratuity and pension due to all those presidential failures of our disillusioned history.
Sergeant Okon Bassey: Sir, in 24 hours, me and my wife will join the BOH, the Brigade of Hoodlums. The Officer who stopped the police from teargasing the Army of the children is a member of the BOH. You must have heard about the antics of the D.P.O., Fegge Onitsha. In the heat of the street battle, Rabiu Garba was acknowledged by the Hoodlum Brigade and saluted for his humanity. His police professionalism and Fegge was saved from being burnt down. Do not listen to the blackmail and the insidious propaganda against the BOH painted by the corrupt Nigerian media.
Gen. Boji-Boji Atamuna: Adjutant and Officers and men of the Regiment…Enough of the banter. The Combat Regiment moves tonight to join the Street battle! LONG LIVE…. THE BOH!