Everywhere I look I see ladies that have been recently reshaped within the neighbourhood, in the market, banks, corporate offices and sisters in the church. It is a clear indication that a lot of super romantic intimate experiences were shared during the lockdown. Forgive me if you see a ‘mischievous’ grin on my face. It is more of joy for the blessings of my God-created sisters, not those ones created by pseudo-gender change done by plastic surgeons at very great cost – money that could have fed hundreds of thousands of starving children or even bought thousands personal protective equipment for healthcare workers on the front lines of the battle against COVID-19. My joy is that a tsunami of babies is about to hit hospitals, maternity homes and local the homes of local birth attendants before the end of the year. The process began during the lockdown when husband were compelled to stay home (and most wives sang songs of joy). The night curfew further forced husbands to head home early after few hours of activities in the wake of the easing of the lockdown.
Determined to make the best of the bad situation presented by the COVID-19 restriction of movement, spouses and live-in lovers found plenty solace in each other’s company. Take the testimony of a sister who said: “Ahaaa… this is the time to get it right, so what are we waiting for? Who can disturb our amorous activities in the seclusion in our home? I have been saying ‘ntooo’ to the demon of Lagos traffic situation, hectic office and business deals that have deprived me of my would-have-been intimate romantic moments with my man. Whenever I craved the special, undivided attention of my husband in the privacy of our cocoon, he would be full of excuses that always left me angry and flustered. If he didn’t tell me that his business was nose-diving and needed urgent attention, it would be that the ghosts in his village had come to visit him. But the lockdown and the subsequent curfew have deleted all the excuses. Honestly, the COVID-19 lockdown has been a great deliverance for most long-starving wives, who have been playing second fiddle to the side-chicks of their husbands.”
Martha Wabiri, a secretary in a blue chip company and eagerly waiting for the fruit of the womb for years, has been no less ecstatic about the turn of events caused by COVID-19. The suspension of many economic activities, found her ever busy husband who often came home tired and too worn out to be useful in the other room, COVID-19 restrictions gave them a very relaxed opportunity to intimately till their fallow ground, sow seeds, one of which excellently germinated and is being lovingly watered with regular visits by Martha to the antenatal clinic, where she is getting good advice and loads of folic acid tablets to keep the growing ‘plant’ supplied with all vital nutrients. These days, Martha no longer wears the forlorn look that was long associated with her in church. In place of the long face are bright morning sun smiles that display the twin dimples on her face, showing also her fine gape teeth and beautiful dentition. Sure, Martha got her earnest desire.
Now, women should be very careful during this lockdown and curfew period because they would carry the bulk of the responsibility when it happens. More especially middle-aged women who had effectively signed off on having children, but had not transited into menopause. Please be careful not to have ‘accidental babies’ during this period. All matches must be ‘goalless draw’ as soccer journalists often say in football reports. Really, this period of extra time as in soccer, can also be injury time. Quite often, such accidental babies come as twins or more, when the woman had ‘forgotten’ the skills that are required to care of babies. Granted that children are a big blessing from God, but when they come in excess to an already blessed couple, they are accepted, but not as joyfully as those who had been expecting them for years. Hear the story of Mrs. Sussy Nelson, a retired private school principal in Lagos: “We had concluded having children but get romantically close once in a while as a middle-aged couple. My last child was a 300-level Engineering student while the older two had graduated. After sometime, I had this headache and fever that defiled all anti-malaria self-medication. My temperature refused to come down, and my husband suggested that I visit our family doctor, and I did. After the examination, he took my blood sample for further tests. Low and behold, he came back with an unbelievable result. ‘Madam, he said, we wanted to be sure even though I was suspecting malaria parasite and typhoid fever because of the high temperature; we ran almost all the test including that for pregnancy and you tested positive. Your high fever is as a result of first-trimester pregnancy experience.’ What, I screamed! My heart sank as I covered my face in shame. Pregnancy at 59! When I was close to my retirement age; my two graduate daughters are both ready to give me grandchildren any moment. How will I explain this in my own home, among family and friends, church members, and other various meetings where I preside as chairperson and an educationist? Should I go in for abortion? What if I died in the process? It was not a palatable story for us, but we chose to wear a bold face and moved on until a baby boy arrived at the end of that year. The gap between the first three and the new born is better imagined than said.”
Chinwe, an accomplished corporate executive experienced something similar. This is her story: “Mine was not during lockdown per se, but with free period, excess time in my hands I became careless and resumed from my maternity with a fresh pregnancy. It was during my maternity leave while I was still in the United States where I delivered my baby. I worked so hard so as to take all my leave and relax in the US after my delivery. Every plan became a round peg in a round hole as scheduled, most especially with my hubby by my side. At the middle of my third month while planning to return and resume work, I began to experience that midmorning sleep, that crave for almost every meal at sight. I gained immediate weight unnecessarily. I checked and discovered that I was pregnant again, just like that. When I resumed work, my coleagues thought it was postpartum weight as a new mother. Honestly, it was just not funny at all. It happened because I had free time and ‘played’ too much with my husband during that period.”
Note that while men are indulged not to over labour their women with bedroom activities, a video of a couple went viral where a husband in a local community was chasing his wife to come into the bedroom and complete the work, but the poor wife ran for her dear life with a complaint that too much of everything is bad. The woman complained of incessant oil rig exploration at every opportunity. It took the intervention of passers-by who laughed out their heart to settle and convince the woman to go back to her husband while they also appealed to the man to take it easy with her.
Now, while it is allowed to enjoy copulation, it is also important for both spouses to be careful and do not get carried away with the excess time they have now. Other vocations could be discovered and engaged in during this long holiday instead of bedroom activities. Being together is acceptable, love is important and intimacy is a great experience, but one must be careful because the signs are obvious. From every indication, a large number of babies are coming to add to the rapidly growing population by the end of this year. Don’t forget that prices of baby food, diaper, clothes and nursery school education are sky rocketing. Please apply the brakes now! Every corner, free kick and penalty must not be converted to a goal.