I wanted a wife who would take me for who I am
–Husband
I prayed, fasted for marriage like my uncle’s
–Wife
What has your marital life been like these past 27 years?
Husband: I will not say it has been rosy. There have been challenges but our ability to manage them has been the secret we are still kicking forward. Instead of recounting the past, we look forward. In the first five years of our marriage, it came to a point my wife wanted to pack out of our matrimonial home. I didn’t know what to do. We had no personal problem. The problems we were having was coming from in-laws and outlaws. So I consulted God and He said: “Tell her that all those property belong to her, but that she would not go with one of my property in that parlour.” I told her so and she said if I know the property I should come and take it. When I got to where she packed those things, I said to her: ‘you can go and hire a vehicle and take the property and go to your mother’s house, but you are my own property. I will never let you go.” She looked at me and smiled and knew we were meant to be together in spite of challenges. Today we have overcome the challenges. Settling conflict strengthens relationship. We had series of conflicts but those conflicts helped to strengthen our relationship.
How did you find your wife? What unique quality really turned you on concerning her?
Husband: As a young man, I was good-looking. In my church, there were so many young ladies that were interested in me and were buying things for my mother in order to have their way. But who you chose to be with will either make or mar you tomorrow. I was looking for somebody who would love me for who I was then. I had all it takes to live in a flat but I chose to live in one-room apartment. I was interested in getting married to a lady that would take me for who I was then. Like I said, there were so many girls in the church, but one day she passed. She had been in the church but I never noticed her. God has a way of opening our eyes. And, so when I noticed her presence, I asked my sisters and they said they knew her house. I asked them to take me there. My sister went upstairs while I hid behind a water tank outside. As they were coming out, I tapped her and she was shocked. I asked her to cool down and we began to talk and I told her immediately that I wanted to marry her. She said she wanted us to be friends, but I insisted that I wanted to marry her. She went back to her sister who waded in and talked to her and told her that I was a fine, young man, asking her why she was refusing my offer of marriage. Gradually, we established a relationship. From friendship, we graduated to courtship and we married after two years of our coming together. It has been so lovely, and it has been God all the way.
How did you feel when he proposed to you?
Wife: Actually, we were worshipping in the same church, Assemblies of God Church, Agboju-Amuwo. I was a student in my third year in the university, so I usually come to Lagos for holidays. When he proposed to me, to be honest with you, I never expected it because in the church then there were so many girls around him because he was one of the big boys in terms of dressing well, and he was handsome. When he came to me, I was surprised and wondered how come he left those big Christian sisters, all working-class ladies that surrounded him. I was a student and it is not a matter of if I was happy or not. I was surprised, because he was the last person that would have proposed marriage to me. I didn’t say yes immediately. I only told him that we should be friends. I decided to go to God and pray. My prayer partner said he was the one. The way we were brought up then in the church, whenever we want to step into such relationship we usually seek the face of God because marriage is not a joke. Had it been that he came directly I would have refused.
So, how did he propose?
Wife: Like I said, he was one of the happening boys in the church then. But I didn’t know his name. I didn’t know that one of the Christian sisters with whom we were in the choir together then is his younger sister. I knew his mother. She is someone that I loved secretly but I never knew she was his mother. She was one of the leaders in the church and a woman that loved God and the things of God. She served God with joy, and this gave me joy. But after one evening service, she came to me, with one of her daughters with whom we were in the choir together, to say that her son is interested in marrying me. I wasn’t the outgoing type. I was always by myself because that is the way we were brought up. So, when she said her son was interested in me, I requested to see him without knowing he is the one. She told me that he comes back late from work but when he gets back on the Tuesday of that week, he would come and see me and true to what she said, he did come to see me. After Bible class when I got home, his sister came upstairs to see me. After talking as girls, I escorted her downstairs. But as we were going, someone appeared from the water tank downstairs. Like he said, the rest is now history.
Looking back now, do you feel you made the right choice in marrying him?
Wife: I am from a polygamous home. But when I saw the way my uncle who was not polygamous treated his wife like an egg, I wished I had such a home. So, while in secondary school I started praying for a home like his. I kept praying to God to give me somebody like my uncle, Dr Mike, as a husband. He is still alive today. Looking back now, I can boldly tell you that I really married a true child of God. My husband truly loves me. When I was looking for a job he was praying for me. When I was to buy a car, he mentioned that my own would be the best and it turned out to be exactly as he said. Even this job I am doing, my husband so much believed God for it. The appointment was announced on the radio, but when he heard about it, he became very supportive. I am a librarian in one of the tertiary institutions in Edo State. Without him, I wouldn’t have been where I am today. The level I have attained in my career is because of my husband. When people see me radiate joy, it is not because of food, but who I am. He loves me; he loves his children.
What other things are you grateful to God for on his behalf?
Wife: He loves my family; my family is his family. Last year, 2018, I would have lost two of my sisters to death, but he stood and said no. He was always on the phone speaking life to them through prayers and they survived. Since the beginning of the year, it has been one battle or the other. They both went through major operations and he stood by them in prayers. Concerning my sister’s appointment as Permanent Secretary, he kept praying until it materialised. That is why I don’t have any right to complain. My husband goes the extra mile to make me happy. When I am unhappy he wants to know why. The way he treats me has really made my family to come closer to God. When my dad was alive he used to brag about him, most especially when he came around. He would say Reverend was around. My husband was like a son to him. He was the one that opened the door to marriage in my family. We are nine girls. After my own marriage, everybody began to get married.
How do you take care of your home from Edo State?
Wife: I come around during weekends, and more so, my children are all grown up. Our first son just rounded off his NYSC while the other two are in the university. I do come around and when he takes his leave we would be together.
What was your parents’ reaction when he proposed? Did they welcome it?
Wife: One thing about my family is that when one wants to get married, they would make an enquiry about the man’s family. There is something we call the Osu caste system. They would find out if that family has Osu or they are good people. Those days in the early ’80s, people inquire to know if in their village they have any ailment. My family went out, even to Togo to where his sister lived to know how the family was. It was at Lome that one of my people was told that I should go ahead and marry him because the family is a good one.
Where do you come from?
Wife: I am from Uzoakoli while my husband is from Abiriba, Abia State.
How do you handle money issue in your home?
Wife: We have a joint account and other accounts. We have the children accounts too and I am in charge and monitor the money that comes in and know how the children spend their money, so every transaction they make, I am aware.
But when you are not around, how does your husband make use of money?
Wife: There are other accounts aside from the joint.
Who do your children fear most?
Husband: They look at my spouse as the more dreadful. My wife is on the harsh side while I am on the soft side. Had it been that both of us are on the harsh side, there would have been a big problem.
Do you encourage matchmaking of couples?
Husband: Matchmaking has brought series of conflicts in homes. It will always cause problems in the long run. Even my children, I will not make any choice for them, when they bring any person I will only ask them if they will he be able to introduce this person to their friends or introduce the person as their husbands, and spend the rest of their lives with the person. Whether she is short or tall, it is their choice because beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.
Kindly advise couples on the way forward in their marriages.
Husband: The foundation of every relationship is very vital. Whatever you permit in life, you tolerate. So, whatever you will not tolerate, don’t permit it from the onset. The essence of courtship is for you to ask questions to know about the personality of the person you are getting married too. Instead of people taking time to find out the character or personality of the person, now the opposite is the order. God hates divorce. I see marriage as long-term imprisonment; it will either bring joy or sorrow.
Your advice for young couples
Wife: God should be the first in your marriage, not family. The problem we are facing in this age is that we tend to compare, we tend to look at the other couple, their friends, classmates. Let us be contented with what we have and for who we are. For new couples, if you see yourself in the midst of those who are following the trend, pull out. When you are happy with yourself everything around you will be favourable to you. Never compete or compare your marriage with others. What goes right in A’s home may not be right in your own home.