Some people have inflated expectations regarding marriage. Considering how much money, time, emotional and mental bandwidth is spent on planning a wedding, it’s only logical that one should expect some major change after the big day. But the inflation of expectations starts long before you are even engaged.
From teenage years, boys and girls were fed the idea that a romantic partner can make everything right in your life. These ideas set men and women up to expect too much out of marriage.
Many men and women hold such high expectations for their marriages and are disappointed when these expectations are not met. The men and women below shared some of their unrealistic marital expectations with Effects. Hear them:
Obinna: I thought I’d always be happy, married.
Having been married for over 10 years, I have learnt that marriage will not always make you happy. I now know that I am responsible for my happiness. Many people go into marriage thinking that their happiness lies in the hands of their spouses, but this is unrealistic.
You still need to pursue your goals, nurture your friendships, keep up spiritual religious practices that are important to you and do all the things you have always done to feel happy. Your happiness should come from within, married or not.
Irene: I thought marriage makes you bond with your spouse everyday
Before I got married, I thought my husband and I would bond and be in love everyday. Sometimes, I think something is wrong with me when we are not connecting at all emotionally. But after being married for six years, I can say that no couple can feel in love all the time. That’s unrealistic.
There were times when life is demanding your attention in areas outside my relationship and I am not at all in tune with my partner’s moods or needs. I have learnt not to freak out and think my marriage is doomed when this happens. I flow with the tide and we are better off for it.
Nelly: I thought marriage would make our relationship stronger
After having this marriage expectation dashed, I can say that your relationship’s strength has nothing to do with being married. If your relationship was strong going into marriage, then it can be a strong marriage. If your relationship was weak going into marriage, marriage will not strengthen it. In fact, marriage will highlight the weaknesses you and your spouse have.
Felix: I thought marriage ‘d make sex emotional and connecting
Before marriage, we had great sex and I thought it would always be like that when we get married. I have been married for seven years and I tell you that I am getting the opposite of my expectations.
Life as a married man is full of tons of stress, responsibilities and unexpected challenges that can make you transfer more into your practical mind than your emotional one. Sometimes you barely have enough time to do the physical act of sex and you certainly don’t always have the time to get into an emotional state before it.
Michael: I thought life ‘ll be more stable after marriage
I thought that getting married at the time I did would make my life more stable. Nobody told me that marriage and its many challenges would create instability in my life.
Ideally, men and women in relationships should have always had one another’s back, long before getting married. Through one another’s support, you should have started making life feel more stable a long time before tying the knot.
I have learnt that if your life didn’t feel stable before getting married, it won’t miraculously start to feel stable after. Marriage takes a lot from you. It’s hard work to keep your relationship with your wife going.
Edwin: I thought that I’d never feel attracted to anyone else
I believed the ridiculous idea that if you are attracted to somebody else, then that must mean you and your wife weren’t meant to be together. I now know better. I have been attracted to many women after I married my wife five years ago and that doesn’t make me a bad husband, it just shows, I am human.
Doris: I had thought my husband ‘ll consider me in all his decisions
I learnt in marriage that this expectation is unrealistic. Before we got married, my husband would do some things before I find out about them and I thought getting married would change that. But I now know that if he didn’t do that before, he’s not going to start to now.
Make sure you’re content with how much your partner includes you in major decisions before getting married. The wedding may give him a little burst of motivation to consider you more in his decisions, but he’ll eventually slide back into his old ways. Make sure you’re okay with those ways.
Adebayo: I’d thought our home ‘ll always be lovely and clean
This came as a rude shock to me. My wife is a neat freak, but these days, our home looks far from clean and lovely. Most times I get angry with her for failing in her duties, but she tells me to do the chores myself because she’s not a machine.
She leaves my clothes where I dump them, ignores my scattered shoes and doesn’t bother to help arrange my things. I didn’t know things would be this way. I have discovered that your instinct to be tidy isn’t going to kick in once you wear a wedding band. If that instinct was never there, it’s not going to pop up overnight.
Martha: I’d thought that I’d never question my marriage
Before I got married three years ago, when I see women complaining about their marriages and husbands, I get angry. I see them as failures because I believed that a woman should do everything to make her marriage work. But today, I have discovered that expecting a woman not to question her marriage is unrealistic.
I have had many moments where I questioned being married to my husband. I now know that questioning it makes it stronger. Putting it to the test of your doubts and fears, facing and overcoming those doubts and fears, makes my marriage stronger. Ignoring any little doubt you have about your marriage only gives that doubt strength.
Moyo: I thought my husband ‘d be my perfect caretaker
I had thought that if I was sick, depressed, unemployed, grieving, my husband will be the perfect caretaker, but this is not my reality. He is a good man, but he’s only human and can’t care for me the way I want him to.
Sometimes, he feels selfish and wants to go out with his friends rather than stay home and nurse me. At other times, he prepares me food, but does it with a little attitude. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. It just means he isn’t some robot who can sacrifice his own happiness, 100 percent, to take care of somebody else. And neither can I too.
John: I thought both of us ‘ll be more mature after marriage
My wife got married in our late twenties and I thought that we would both mature with our marriage. But I have discovered that marriage doesn’t give you patience, wisdom, and humility. Making a relationship work can cultivate those traits slowly over time. But getting married doesn’t suddenly mean you just have those traits. If you were immature before you got married, you will still be immature in marriage unless you do the work to change that.