(… At the River Niger amphibian headquarters of the Combat Regiment, enter Brigadier One Leg Atamuna, the Acting G.O.C., Officers and men of the Combat Regiment…. Rendering at the background the music of the legendary Anikulapo Fela Kuti …. “When cat sleep, rat go bite im tail, wetin e de find, Na palava e de find, Na palava e go get”
“Tenant loss im job, sit down for house, e de tink of chop, Landlord wake am up, pay me your rent! Wetin e de find, Na palava e go get….”)
Brigadier One Leg Atamuna: I’m Brigadier One Leg Atamuna, the Prince from the Igalla ancient Kingdom, the first African nation to build a conquering Navy on the Niger, the great nation that never lost any war to any invading empire, either from the North, the South, East or West of Igalla land. By the grace of the Lord and on the account of my long service to the Regiment, the next successor to the G.O.C. Combat Regiment.
Col., before I lose my temper put off that music from that mad man! This is a military barrack.
Col. Biko Haram (the GSO) moves to the direction of the high voltage machine where Fela’s lyrics is now blaring the tale of the Nigerian returnee fugitive offender…. “My friend just come back, waka day and nite dey look for work… Police man stop am, slap am…. I charge you for wandering, wetin olopa de find, na palava e dey find, na wahala e go get….”
Brigadier One Leg Atamuna: Col., you must show discipline, destroy that music box and give me the Sitrep!
Col. Biko Haram: Sir, Senator Dino Malayria, the Rolls Royce Senator of Rome is facing the people’s Recall.
Major Olakankita Olakampo: Sir, this is unprecedented, Senator Dino Malayria is symbolic of the Nigerian Parliamentary representation. The same Senator is yet to satisfy the minimal educational requirement of sitting in the Senate. It was a pantomime of the absurd to watch him walk into that hallowed grounds, wearing a borrowed Harvard academic gown.
Sergeant Okon Bassey: Obassi Edim…. Major, wetin be pantomime for the absurd….? Very soon we shall like these Roman Senators leave the subject and start chasing portmanteaus.
Major Olakankita Olakampo: Senator Dino Malayria’s pedigree is as inchoate as his tenure in the Senate. The people were not represented anytime the Senator rose up to contribute to the matters arising in that Senate.
Major 419 Utueke: Sir, before we open up the case file of Senator Dino Malayria vs the Forces, calling for his recall, we must first of all determine for how long the Acting G.O.C. would command the Regiment. Secondly, Senator Dino Malayria is a charismatic Senator… Whether it was his coterie of Rolls Royce or his proximity to the Senate Caesar provoked all these bad blood and jealousies from the high command, who in obvious conspiracy with the Senator’s home state Governor of Rome, are seeking the neck of the defendant.
Brigadier One Leg Atamuna: Major! Ashwhere! Don’t ever question my command.
Major 419 Utueke: Sir, remember our verdict is final, no appeals, no attorneys. We must avoid any media trial for the charismatic Senator. What is his offence…? Suddenly he is facing a recall and his enemies are in conspiracy to cut off his head with the most corrupt and incompetent INEC.
Major Olakankita Olakampo: Sir, the Major is trying to establish precedents so that whatever we arrive in this court shall not be over turned when the G.O.C. returns from his London sick leave. Moreover, in the few days you have been the C.in.C all the juicy appointments have gone to Igalla land. If you don’t mind, Sir, we shall take the court right to the Senate hallowed chambers; the lawyers call this exercise, going to the locus in quo….
Sergeant Okon Bassey: Loco nkwo….if you like call it locus na afor Benny. Oga, the turenshi is getting too much make we go to Abuja I want become Senator kwanu, even for one day and settle this case once and for all.
Brigadier One Leg Atamuna: (Two days later in the hallowed chambers of the Senate) Great Senators of Rome, in the case of Senator Dino Malayria vs the forces behind his recall, we come in peace to investigate, deliberate, interpret debate, look at the laws and in the circumstances of our investigations, leading to our resolution, this court martial will not hesitate to pass judgment on any other fallen angel Senator… GSO proceed.
Col. Biko Haram: That you Dino Malayria paraded before the hallowed chambers borrowed academic paraphilia, belonging to the revered Harvard University; that you DM without decorum disrespected the hallowed chambers when you engaged a lady Senator in an uncivil contumely and by that crude tirade lost face before the Nigerian fair gender; that you DM while other Senators of Rome stopped at acquiring helicopters and private planes, you instead elevated the plunder by going to UK and acquired the most extravagant custom designed Rolls Royce ever made by man to join your official fleet and motorcade.
Major 419 Utueke: Sir, point of information, Dino Malayria is no way different from these other Senators of Rome. I’m happy we are here to see for ourselves locus in quo et in sitto…. Sir, Acting C.in.C, (in whispers) in the front seat directly looking at us is the Caesar Senator. He is still as a Senator, collecting his Governors of Rome salary and allowances. To his left is the Senator, who declared himself the king of the Jews when he was elected second in command to the Caesar. That black Caesar has acquired half of Enugu and Oji River. Few years ago, he was a son of a carpenter before he joined the Ebeano! The next Senator of Rome sitting on the right, our findings reveal is the one who converted most of Ibibio land and built a stadium without paying for Papa’s land. The people employed the Ekpo native sorcerers and the beautiful stadium since has been bad luck to the Nigerian soccer ambitions.
Next Week…. Col. Atamuna proclaims his verdict on the famous case of Senator Dino Malayria vs the People.