“I am a miserable man, a recluse and a loner. I love my quietness. I am selfish, put myself first, I don’t care how any other person feels about how I live my life. I am not interested in keeping any woman as wife or having kids because I want my freedom. I will make any wife miserable, I can’t love, and I can’t reciprocate her love. She will beg everyday for my attention but she may never get it because I love my solitude. I want to do as I wish, I can get sex whenever I want on the street, but I don’t want anything aside that from any female behind closed doors. I will live and die single.”
Those were the words of a 49-year-old man who is not interested in ever getting married or having kids. To him, he is single by choice and loving it. Before some of us start screaming gay, deliverance or it’s psychological, need I say that this young man knows exactly what he wants and he’s going for it regardless. Stop spiritualising common sense matters. It doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks including his parents, he knows he is not ready to share his space or attention with the opposite sex or children. He said it, any woman or child who lives in his space will be miserable and he’s not willing to make any one feel that way, so he has chosen and planned to remain a bachelor for life.
Most times while waiting to meet the right person to walk down the aisle, we pray and wish they are good to us, but we often forget to do our own part. We want a happy, cheerful, God fearing, understanding, with all the curves in the right places, homely and caring partner, but have never tried preparing ourselves to fit into our partner’s spec when we eventually meet them. You want him/her to be cheerful and caring, but are you caring and cheerful yourself? You want him/her to be God fearing and respectful, are you also God fearing and respectful? You want him/her to be romantic, are you working towards being romantic yourself? Or Is it only your partner that should prepare themselves to meet you?
You can’t just be working towards financial stability to signify that you are ready to settle down, neither does your maturing to be able to get pregnant qualify you to be married. You must know why you want to get married and who to marry. Are you getting married for companionship, procreation, home made meal, clean house, clean laundry, free money to spend, looking for who to control or because you have come of age and everyone your age is doing it?
Knowing exactly what you want from your partner is very important, But how you manage to better your own life while single and waiting does matter. You should be happy and preparing to be a better version of yourself in marriage rather than sulk all day wearing a long face, emotionally down cast, wallowing in self pity and just waiting for him/her to come and take away the sorrow you inflicted upon yourself.
You can’t be married and be acting like you are still single. you want to keep hanging out with your friends everyday till late at night before you return home; just doing as you wish, you address your spouse like you address every other person etc. In life, you don’t just wait till you are married to quit certain habits, you consciously start unlearning them and learning new ones while you are still single.
You have to learn to give that which you want, you can’t ask for what you are not willing to give. While single and waiting, you must forgive those who hurt you in the past, shed off the excess baggage, be happy, cheerful, learn to be romantic, forgive unconditionally and give yourself some pampering. Learn to give gifts, if you wish to receive gifts too.
You have to know who you are, your strength and weaknesses, learn about emotional intelligence. You have to know that marriage once you are in it is not about you most of the time, you have to accommodate and tolerate another human from an entirely different background. Marriage is about negotiation rather than imposition, you have to learn the art of negotiating, compromises and sacrifice. Admit it when you are wrong and learn to apologise.
If you are the extremely jealous type or even have the tendency of violence when provoked, you may consider talking to a counsellor to help you in anger management, or you consciously learn to put your temper under check.
Decide to be active in your relationship, there is no excuse to stop trying, teach yourself not to treat your marriage like a chore, because it will always need work.
Learn to communicate and listen more. Listen with the intent to understand rather than to respond. Allow yourself to be loved, be open to new things and ideas. You have to love yourself before you love someone else, it’s that simple. When you love yourself, loving another person becomes very easy.
Spend your time preparing the kind of person you want your partner to be to you, so that whoever settles down with you has found something precious. When you prepare yourself both psychologically and emotionally before hand, nothing will really surprise you in marriage because you will naturally fit in.
You cannot be single and bitter, yet expect that in marriage you will become happy all of a sudden. Marriage is not a bed of roses, the transition should be smooth. Look forward to adding value to your partner’s life. Value should not be measured in cash only.
You can be single (waiting) and make the most of it. Be at your best, be happy, cheerful, do the good things that make you happy, when you meet the right person, enjoy it too and move on smoothly. If you know you are miserable and not ready to make anyone happy, then do not venture into marriage because you are going to make the other person’s life hell on earth.
Don’t think or feel you are getting married for your partner to make you happy or less miserable, this false expectation has led to many divorces. Come with your own happiness and try as much as possible to be happy, be responsible, be committed to making it work and be ready to sacrifice even more. You must know that most times a great person does not equal great partner, marriage doesn’t change people, it only brings out who they really are.