In cases where marital challenges abound, most spouses, both men and women, use keeping the children away from each other as a weapon, to punish the other. This is a practice that should not be. A parent who drives the other parent away from seeing and beholding his or her fruit is not getting it right. The agony, pain, tears and discomfort of not allowing a woman see her children are better imagined than experienced. If the relationship faces irreconcilable differences and the centre can no longer hold, instead of losing one’s life and denying the children the opportunity of a parent figure, separation remains the best option to calm the frayed nerves, especially when domestic violence becomes a recurring decimal.
It is advisable for both to separate peacefully and preserve their lives for the meantime. Yes, the Bible made it clear that what God has joined together, let no man put asunder. The same Bible also says that men should be as wise as the serpent. It is only the living that can sue for peace, forge ahead, plan, execute and fight for rights.
It is succinct to say that whenever a court dissolves a marriage and gives the custody of the child to either the father or the mother, the same court also gives room for the other party to see the child on an agreed arrangement. Why then do Nigerian men take the law into their hands and use custodial right as a weapon to punish the women folk? Why? Women, most times are exonerated from this because they do not hide children from their fathers; instead they are eager to collect child support when the man is not an infidel as the Bible instructed.
Now, it is no news that children remain the greatest precious gifts to mankind from God. Little wonder the birth of a child brings so much joy, happiness, love and good vibes and the death of a child remains the most painful experience. The euphoric experience that surrounds the birth of a child elicits most names given to children. When children are responsibly raised in a home, it gives special joy seeing them grow in love, show good character, develop skills, throw tantrums, fight and settle as the case may be. But when these attributes are denied a living parent, especially mothers, it can lead to instant death because of the special bond. It is this affiliation that keeps so many women away from second marriages, but this is not so for the men. Anything that hurts a child hurts her mother. Women who neglect their children because of another man are not worthy of being mothers. Too bad!
Now, why would someone take away God-given joy from his or her spouse because of soured relationship? Both parents remain parents to a child or children no matter the circumstance. Even when death occurs, no father or mother is replaceable. It is not a mistake that secondary parents are called stepfather or stepmother. Any woman whose child is taken from her forcefully can take a desperate step. It is wrong for a stronger partner, be it the man or the woman in custody of the children to keep them away from the other parent.
A particular women dance group reflected this in a song: “After another raises a child, the owner remains the owner.” No father or mother should deprive each other from seeing his or her children except on health grounds.
In addition, some soured relationships also split the children among fathers and mothers. A brother in the church whose marriage was going through rough times, separated from his wife, who kept the two girls while the husband moved in with the boys. It was an okay solution for them. Another bad marriage saw a husband relocate with four secondary school children to another part of Lagos. The children communicated their new abode to their mother who quickly got there the next day with food. But the husband denied her entry and invited police to arrest her. Is it not sacrilege for a mother of four to be denied access to her children? She asked the policeman, “If I am your sister, who is denied access to her four children, would you like it”? The officer walked away quietly.
Interestingly, children should not be at the centre of marital misunderstanding because it is not healthy for them at all; except on the grounds of life threatening issue like that of Ese and Uyai. They met and got married while working in the same organization. Their union produced two boys and within a short time it was discovered that Ese was a drug addict who injects herself with hard drugs and afterwards she would be abusive to the children unknowingly. It was when she threw the electric iron at her second son’s head, which gave him a cut that bled profusely. After that incident, her husband relocated the children to another city until he was prepared to take them to his sister without his wife’s knowledge. This case is understandable because the children’s lives were in great danger. Again, witnessing their mother inject herself with drugs was out of place.
A Nigerian couple who divorced in Texas rented a storey building so that their four-and-six-year-old children could have access to them at will. Both were qualified to have the custody of the children as their issue bothered on personal issues. The man lived upstairs while the woman lived down stairs. Both agreed to live separate lives but the children must have access to them at will. The children who did not know the reason for such arrangement thought they owned the house. So, whoever that wants to see Mum or Dad knows where to go immediately.
When Naomi had issues with her husband, Henry and got a divorce from a court, the custody of the children was given to Henry because Naomi was discovered to have mental instability but was also allowed to have access to her children if she had her medication meant to prevent the trigger. As the dust was about to settle, Henry relocated the children to his mother who lived in Benue State and made it impossible for his wife to see the children because she was not too conversant with that terrain. It took Naomi years of pain and bitterness to locate her children. Within years, she passed away without seeing her offsprings.
Olajuwon was a child of necessity. The story was that during the war, his father put his mother in a family way as young lovers who lived within the same neighbourhood. Mummy Juwon’s family castigated her and called her a big disappointment and shame. Under threats by the lady’s family, he relocated to another place. Mummy Juwon’s sisters took care of her until she gave birth successfully. Whenever her lover came around to see her and child, her family humiliated him while the baby was hidden. Even when he came officially to marry Mummy Juwon, her family refused. After facing series of embarrassment, he stopped coming. Juwon was raised by his mother and her kinsmen within the confines of her family. Juwon grew, graduated, and got married, fully believing himself to be a member of his maternal clan until a tussle over a piece of land came up. It was to be shared among married men in the family, but because Juwon was related to them maternally not paternally, he was cut off. All his mates got a portion except him. Juwon queried his uncle who told him in parable that “there are some foods we cannot eat with you.” Enraged, he went to his mother and threatened her with a long sharp knife. Standing before her, Juwon said: “If you do not tell me my true paternity, I will kill you now, not tomorrow.” The mother sobbed and drew him close, told him the history of his birth and gave him the address of his father’s family house in Ondo, because she was not sure if the man was still alive. The next day, Juwon took off, asked questions until he got to his family house. Lo and behold, his father saw him and recognised him and the loud shout that emanated from the old man attracted the neighbours. His father said, “I know you will come back one day because you are my blood.” That same day, his father took him round the village, showed him plots of farm land, uncompleted building and his business proceeds, being his first son. Within months, Juwon said bye-bye to his mother’s family forever and became a king in his father’s household.
Dear Nigerian men and women please do not keep children away from parents because the punishment is waiting in the future.