Many times, people settle for the kind of relationships they don’t want because they have been hurt in the past and they don’t want to go through heartbreak again. These people know in their heart of hearts that they won’t be happy with the men or women they are married to but they believe that having someone in their lives is better than being alone.
There are some women who are married to men they can’t stand. They don’t feel love for these men. There’s no passion and excitement in their marriages because they settled for the available man that said hello to them after they had been hurt by the one they loved. I know it’s not easy to overcome heartbreak but that doesn’t mean you should subject yourself to a life of sadness, misery and regrets because you locked her heart from loving another person again.
I feel sad when I hear women say they are in a marriage because of their children. These women console themselves with the fact that they are at least not in the singles market like some of their friends by marrying men they feel nothing for. They mask their unhappiness with their marriage title and children. These women live sad, passionless lives. Marriage is for companionship between a man and a woman not a union of a woman and her children. I hope people get it right and stop hurting themselves. Life is too short to waste time on loveless relationships and marriages because you have been hurt in the past.
Some men are married today not because they love the women they are married but because they want to get over the women that hurt them. The sad thing is that some of these men punish their wives for the sins of the women who hurt them. They don’t pause to think about the consequences of their actions. They are just married to fulfill all righteousness. This is a sad way to go through life. What is life without some love, passion and excitement? What is marriage without the excitement of seeing the one you love everyday especially when things get tough?
Being hurt a few times is no reason to give up a lifetime of happiness, all in the name of playing safe. You can have both. You can be with someone who makes your heart race but also puts you at ease. You can meet someone who truly loves you if you open your heart to love again. You can meet that amazing person who will bring stability and peace into your life if you give love a chance again. You can get married to that person who lights up your world with their presence, laughter and love if you don’t close your heart to love. I know many people are not willing to wait to find that, though but life can’t be lived well that way.
You need to know some things about love if you want to enjoy your next relationship. The first thing you should know is that you shouldn’t fall in love because you want to find yourself. Your identity is not to be someone’s other half, it is to be yourself. You don’t seek someone to complete you; you are complete as a person. This is where many people get it wrong. You don’t stop living your own life because you found a partner. You don’t get so swept up in your partner that you become them. You don’t need to be the number one fan of their favorite football club or musician or read all the books they have read just to prove that you are for keeps. Keep your interests and hobbies intact and you will be more interesting to your partner.
The second thing you should know about love is that it shouldn’t be unhealthy. Your partner shouldn’t demand that you stop being yourself so that they can remain in your life. Your partner should not ask you to change who you are to please them if they truly love you. This doesn’t mean they should put up with your bad attitude or continue to cover your mistakes. No. Your partner can help you change the unpleasant side of you and help you work on your weaknesses. That’s what good relationships are for.
You got into a relationship because you liked each other, and you grew to love each other as you are. There should be no conditions attached to getting loved by your partner.
True love allows you to be yourself. Being yourself in front of your partner can seem scary at first but it’s worth it. You are not a perfect being and you need to let your partner see your imperfections.
If he or she judges you for being imperfect, then they are not supposed to be in your life to begin with. People need to stop behaving as if they are perfect just to keep up appearances with their partners. Let the person you are dating see the real you.
True love comes naturally. You cannot force it. It’s either you love that person or you don’t. Do you have doubts about your partner? Are you not sure they are right for you? If you are asking yourself too many questions about your partner, your relationship, and your future together, then you are probably not meant to be together.
When you are truly in love, you don’t question your feelings because you are sure of it. It feels natural to be with your partner, and you know you can work through anything to achieve that future you are dreaming of. This doesn’t mean you should put up with any kind of abuse. If you love someone who is physically, emotionally and psychologically abusing you, you need to break up with them and be free.
Love is built on friendship. You can’t be in love with someone you are not friends with. You can’t be in love with someone you are not free to express yourself to. You can’t be in love with someone you have to monitor his or her mood before you share your thoughts with. That’s being in a relationship prison. You need to be friends with your partner. You need to be able to talk, to share jokes, and to enjoy each other’s company. Over time, the physical passion may fade, but the true friendship you have built will stand the test of time.
When you love someone, you commit yourself to him or her. This is why I don’t understand men and women who claim to love their partners but they are in other relationships. I don’t understand Nigerian men who claim to love their wives but they have side chicks in almost every state. That’s nonsense. It’s human nature to be attracted to other people, to allow your head to be turned by an attractive passerby but you shouldn’t hurt your partner.
As long as you are committed to your partner, your relationship is fine. It is sad that a lot of Nigerian men don’t know what commitment means but they aggressively demand commitment from women. Bunch of jokers. If you are not committed to your woman, you don’t have the moral justification to demand commitment from her.
There’s no love without trust. If you don’t trust your partner, why are you with them? If you think that person will change their ways after marriage, you are making a big mistake. Marriage doesn’t change bad behaviour, it amplifies it. If you don’t trust the person you claim to love, something is wrong somewhere. You don’t need to play games with that person. Break up with them and go find love somewhere else. Life shouldn’t be lived pampering your distrust for someone you claim to love. You are lying to yourself.
Don’t settle for less in your relationship because you have been hurt in the past. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to love and be loved back. You deserve a loving, passionate, exciting and healthy relationship that will propel you to look forward to the future with joy.
Re: How to spot misogynists
Dear Kate, reading your column last week made me realize more lot of stuffs about misogyny. These guys are also something else. The funny thing about them is that they are not where they want to be in life and they will not want to see a woman attain such position in life and this is just so weird. One only needs the grace of God in dealing with people of this world cause they are not tagged misogynist on their foreheads.
-Debbie Ekeh, Jos
You can come with just anything just to paint men black. Are you not tired of abusing men every week? Why don’t you write about women that hate men like you? They exist. They treat men like scum because they don’t have money. Why don’t you advise women to stop choosing rich men and give struggling guys a chance? That’s more noble instead of talking about misogyny.
-Gbenga, Lagos
While I understand that some men dislike women especially outspoken and independent women, it is wrong to lump all men together by calling them misogynists. I don’t think there are misogynists in Nigeria. We love our women but they should know their place and stop rubbing shoulders with us. It is not everything a man does, a woman will want to do. Men and women are not equal. Men are heads and protectors while women are supporters. Stop confusing our women with your English so that they won’t start challenging us. It won’t be good for them.
-Chibueze, Onitsha
Kate, I thank God for the day I read your first column last month. I had to go and read more on The Sun newspaper’s website. You are a voice for women. May God always protect you from evil. You are opening the eyes of many women with your writings. I’m a better woman now who knows her rights because of you. Forget the men abusing you, they are not relevant.
They don’t want their women to be wise. Your piece on misogyny was an eye opener. You explained a lot of things. Thank you.
-Jane Udoka, Lagos