.Change of roles in homes threaten harmony
By KATE HALIM
WIPING sweat off her face with the end of her wrapper, she quickly attended to a customer, even as the sun bit harder. Mrs. Aiyemowa was swift in cutting the three giant-sized iced fish her customer requested foe into many pieces.
Her customer hurriedly paid her the amount they agreed on, so she could attend to others. Her smiles were enchanting, so were her haggling skills as she, assisted by her son, Olumide, attended to her many customers.
Mrs. Aiyemowa is a mother of five. For more than ten years, she has been the breadwinner in her large family. Her husband was sacked from work ten years ago and when she took up the responsibility of fending for her household pending when he would get a better offer, she didn’t know she was in it for a long time.
Reflecting on the hard times she has faced fending for her family from her frozen foods business, she said that she has got used to being the man in the house. Her children walk up to her anytime they need money. They don’t even bother asking from their father anymore because they can predict his response.
Even though the situation makes her feel bad, tired and unappreciated sometimes, she is fulfilled that her children can feed, cloth and even get good education with the proceeds from her frozen fish and turkey business. Two of her children are now graduates, thanks to the business.
‘’I go to the market almost every day. There is no resting day for me. I leave the house by 9 am and return home by 8 pm. My hands are hard and rugged from so much use. Sometimes, I am even ashamed to show my palms in public when I have to attend parties or meetings. I hardly have time to look good or visit the salon like other women because I have to save the proceeds from my business to give my children a good life.’’
Even though Mrs. Ogadi isn’t a fish seller, she is equally facing the same challenges as Mrs. Aiyemowa because she has been the breadwinner in her family for seven years after government demolished her husband’s pharmacy store on Lagos Island.
Mrs. Ogadi works as a public relations expert in one of the big PR firms in Lagos. She has been in the industry for over 12 years and can hold her own financially, especially in her home.
Even though her husband makes little money by the side, major financial responsibilities like house rent, school fees and medical bills fall on her laps. Some of the money her husband makes goes for feeding and it is almost not enough as she always augments it.
‘’After we got married, he just relaxed because he knew I was the restless type, a go getter. He would sit at home and whine about how the economy is deteriorating daily while I get barely five hours sleep everyday just to meet up with work demands and make sure the children are well taken care of.’’
Mrs. Ogadi’s challenges are numerous. She pays her nanny who stays with her children until she returns from work. She makes sure she gives her best at the work place because that is where the money for family upkeep was coming from. She also makes sure her husband is happy too.
Most of the time, she is tired and fed up with the whole situation. At other times, she lashes out at her children for no reason. It is even more tiring to her when her husband keeps accusing her of trying to take his place because she makes more money than him.
‘’For several years now, my husband has not given me money to buy clothes, make my hair or even take me out as other men do. He keeps complaining of me turning our three children against him because they listen to me more than him because I take care of responsibilities at home. I am tired of being misunderstood. If he feels bad about it, he should stand up and make more money for us.’’
For Mrs. Uche Ibezim, the situation at home is no longer funny. She got married three years ago and has two children. She is nursing one now and her mother-in-law is making things difficult for her for being the one providing for her young family.
Her husband lost his job a year after they got married and has not been able to get anything tangible since then. Being a good wife, she stepped in, only to be greeted with resistance from her in laws.
‘’My husband’s mother believes I want to take her son’s place as the man of the house. She’s always belittling my efforts to keep our family running. She blames me for her son’s misfortune too. She keeps telling me to stop bringing out money for things at home but to give it to my husband to so that people won’t know I am the breadwinner at home.’’
Her mother-in-law’s constant attack against her breadwinner status is affecting her relationship with her husband. Recently, they were always quarelling. Her husband takes side with his mother accusing her of showing off her financial capability because he is out of job. The feeling of ingratitude is making her regret standing in for him.
Mrs. Udoh’s case is a pitiable one. Her husband lost his legs to a car accident four years ago. The incident has trusted on her, a permanent breadwinner status. With her husband now disabled, she brings in all the money for the family. With four children to feed and clothe, it has been a tough journey for this wom an who didn’t envisage the kind of hardship she is going through now.
Most times, she resents the fact that she makes all the money for the house. She wishes that he were the primary breadwinner or at least, an equal breadwinner so that she could have opportunities to do other things aside work.
Mrs. Funke Ogunleye is the primary breadwinner in her family of four. She has to handle the finances and general running of the household. Even though she is a woman who loves to take charge, she is beginning to feel that she has compromised a great deal in the course of her marriage. Her husband spends his days gambling with the little money she makes for the family.
‘’It seems that my husband has subtle ways to sabotage our relationship and finances. For instance, we are on a budget. He will take money out of the joint account and act like we had extra money for him to gamble with. Other times, he would evoke the silent treatment if I try to start a conversation about his gambling habits.”
Charity and her husband have been married for almost 3 years and what a roller coaster it has been. Since their marriage, he had been employed for only 9 months while she has been working overtime just to make ends meet. Right now, he doesn’t want to look for a job anymore. He is waiting for her to lend him money to start a business.
‘I find myself upset and resentful towards him these days. I know it shouldn’t be so. I should be thankful for my health and the fact that I have a roof over my head and food to eat, but the fact that my husband is not pulling his weight like a man at home is killing me.”
Mrs. Egor Efure said being a breadwinner mom is too stressful for her. She doesn’t mind earning income to support her husband, but not to be the sole breadwinner. This is because in addition to working from 8 to 5pm, she still has to cook, do her children’s home work with them. Sometimes, she returns home very late from work when her children have all gone to bed.
‘’My children are suffering. Although they have a mother, they do not really feel her presence, I am also suffering because I don’t have enough time to rest and take care of my children the way I would have loved to.
She laments that her husband only knows how to use the money she makes to sleep with other women, come back home and yell at her to restore his star which she seized. According to him, a prophet revealed to him that his star was bringing her fortune.
These women are not alone. Many Nigerian women are going through similar challenges trying to keep their families together financially. In recent times, there is a rising trend of women whom circumstances have thrust the responsibility of providing for their families on their laps.
While some of these women are widows, majority of them are married women whose husbands are alive but are unable to shoulder the responsibility of being the breadwinners of their homes, leaving their wives to take over such duties.
You see these women in cities as well in rural areas. They work with every ounce of strength they posses just to feed their families. You come across them in offices, on the street-sides and in the open markets, engaging in petty trading to keep the family afloat financially.
Many of them cajole their neighbours, colleagues, church members and even friends to buy things that they don’t even need because of their persistence and zeal to keep body and soul together.
Some of them are contractors, professionals in different fields of life, business and corporate executives or even artisans. Many of them go into bead making, cake making, makeup and even events planning just to earn extra monies for their families to feed.
Today, most of them have veered into commercial transportation to make a living. They struggle and toil to provide food on the family’s table, while their husbands, if they are still alive to support them, play a rear role or even no role at all in the family’s upkeep.
Traditionally, women are known to stay at home, have children and take care of the homefront, while their husbands go out and make money for the family. This existing traditional practice is gradually giving way to a new club of women who have become domestic providers. These women and their children are supposed to be provided for but the reverse is the case in many homes today.
In many societies, the traditional role of providing for the family is that of the man. Today, however, harsh economic realities are forcing lots of families to rely on two income streams, making it imperative for women work or run businesses.
Modern society has seen many women getting quality education and entering the workforce, sometimes in higher numbers than men. These educated women are finding expressions with their innate abilities and earning good money. They even fill in the gap whenever their husbands fall short of living up to his primary responsibilities of providing for the family.
Today, we have a good number of cases where women are earning more than their husbands. In other cases, the men are out of jobs or their businesses are not doing well, so the women become the sole breadwinners. This is throwing up some unintended challenges for a good number of homes, particularly in traditional societies like ours steeped in patriarchy.
Reversal of role beyond men’s control
For men who have wives who earn more than them or sole providers in the home, the family dynamics is not comfortable for them. Some of them react out of frustration or just relax and enjoy what nature has blessed them with -a money-making woman.
Mr Omoniyi earns less than his wife who is a business woman. His wife built the house they lived in, and contributes more money in the house from the proceeds of her business, but she doesn’t respect him.
“ I actually help her out, bath the kids, cook and take the kids to school. But she does not respect me at all, talks to me as though I am her houseboy. When I couldn’t take the insult again, I had to move out and rent a room self-contained apartment close to her house for my children sake, so as to be close to them because I love them dearly”.
For Mr. Emmanuel, living with a wife who earns more than him is no big deal. He supports her as much as possible and is happy with the family arrangement so far. He doesn’t allow people know she is the one making all the money so that they won’t laugh at him.
“My wife and I earn income, but she earns more. She built the house we are living, but she did that in my name. I will like to earn more than her, but it seems that’s the way God designed it. I support my wife and children. Even though she earns more, people do not know because she is very submissive”.
However, an unemployed father, Ifeme Okeke, laments that there is no way a man can maintain authority over the home in a situation where the woman is the breadwinner. He says that a man’s ego will suffer for it when his wife earns more money.
He cited a popular adage, ‘he who pays the piper dictates the tune’, adding that it cannot be a good example for the children because human beings naturally are subjected to the authority of whosoever holds the power.
Speaking from experience, Okeke added that any man who wants to remain the head of his family should get himself engaged and ensure that even if he cannot meet the status of being the breadwinner, he should liberate himself from being fed by his woman.
In an emotion laden voice, Mr. Adeboye, a car dealer in Lagos, admitted that his wife is the breadwinner in his home, but that he is not too pleased that his responsibilities are being shouldered by his wife due to the harsh economic situation in the country now.
He revealed that it seems his efforts are not good enough. He leaves the house every morning to go out and beckon on potential customers to buy cars, so as to be able to feed his family. But things are not just working. People are not buying cars. People are even complaining of not eating three square meals a day. The cars he imported over a year ago have remained unsold.
His wife works in a big company and she is doing well there. He is grateful to God for her timely assistance in providing for their family. Even though she is not complaining, he thinks the stress of taking care of the family is beginning to weigh her down.
Right now, his family is enjoying rent-free house because they live in a house at Isheri area of Lagos which he built when business was booming. He promises to compensate his hardworking wife when his business picks up again.
He said, ‘’I am the man and I should be able to take care of my woman and the children. Sometimes, I feel ashamed going like a small boy to my wife to tell her that I need money to buy fuel for my car.”
Men in such homes lose self-worth
– Psychologist
A psychologist, Ifeoma Ibeh said being unable to provide for his family can destroy a man’s self-worth. This is why many women breadwinners downplay their success. They do this to help their men feel like real men.
She noted that traditional values still dictate that the male partner in a heterosexual relationship should bring home a bigger pay check. This is because male self-esteem is often linked with their financial prowess, and society has yet to challenge this expectation. But when the role is reversed, most men feel powerless.
Ibeh added that men can feel emasculated when they are not fending for their families and their women may be viewed as controlling, and both may worry about what others would think of them.
‘’A woman may resent her partner for not being able to support her, or may lose respect for him if he fails to search for better paying work, and a man may resent his breadwinner wife who seems so much more accomplished, she said.’’
Another psychologist, Patricia Chiegboka noted that some female breadwinners experience guilt and resentment over their multiple roles, while others, who were ambitious, will take pride in their accomplishments, and enjoy their independence.
She said that oftentimes, these female breadwinners, walk on egg shells so as not to be called proud and arrogant by their men. These women put in double efforts to value their spouse’s contributions to the family, regardless of his financial success or failure. They do this to massage his ego and protect him from public ridicule.
In her opinion, couples need to communicate openly about the impact a woman’s breadwinner status has on their relationship. Partners need to remember what brought them together in the first place.
‘’Paying attention to what you enjoy and respect about your partner, how the intimacy you have can enhance your life, and how you can support each other’s career goals can hopefully offset any challenge to the relationship.’’