“My baby’s father is married so I never told him about the child. I feel like I should let my baby’s father and his family know about my baby”
Njideka Nwapa-Ibuaka
Dear NjiGirl,
Please, let me know what I can do in this situation. I have been married for five years and tried to conceive but nothing has worked. I met a young handsome guy in the mall and we hit it off. The day we made love, I took in and I am now six months gone. My husband refused to do anything for my unborn and throughout the pregnancy. We separated for a while but once I had the baby, he came back saying he can’t live without me. I took him back on condition he would love my child. He did but only for a short while. He started looking for every chance to quarrel. I can’t take it anymore. I am about to move out.
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My baby’s father is married so I never told him about the child. I feel like I should let my baby’s father and his family know about my baby, who is now one year old. What should I do?
■ Tessy
Dear Tessy,
You are a hot mess! You mean you were still married when you hooked up with another married man you met in the mall? And then you got pregnant, had the baby and went back to your husband?
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Your husband must have a big heart but he can no longer take it and I don’t blame him too much. It is not easy to accept that he tried to get you pregnant in the five years you were together and nothing happened. Then one day you go to the mall and come back pregnant. This is a bitter pill for him to swallow.
Then you never told the young man that he has a child by you and now you want to let him know one year later?
Have you thought of what your news would do to his family? Can you put yourself in the shoes of his wife and family, how would you feel?
Then how about your child that would grow up without knowing the dad? Have you thought of the impact of an absentee dad in child’s life when he/she is of school age? Do you know that kids can be cruel when they start observing that your child never talks about the dad? If this impacts child negatively what would you do then?
It looks like the best advice would be the one that favours the child so I think you should reach out to your lover and let him know what happened a year ago at the mall. I think it would be up to him to inform his wife and family if he chooses to. Understand that he may also ask you to keep it a secret from his family but he would visit and take care of his child.
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So what about your husband? Are you going to stay with him while your baby’s daddy lurks in the background? How can you pull that off? You must seek advice of a counselor to help you and your husband figure out how you want to continue this relationship. At the end of the day, you should remember that you are the one who strayed in the marriage and that you are the one with another man’s child. Try to ask your husband for forgiveness and take care of yourself and the child.
Good luck.
■ Dr. NJ