One of the ways to know that you have outgrown your partner is when you start asking yourself if you should stay with them or go.
Kate Halim
Many people go into relationships hoping it will last a lifetime. These people believe that their relationships will never end but things don’t work that way in reality. Men and women should learn to let go when things are no longer working out.
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Relationships begin and they end. People fall in love and also fall out of love. It’s not every relationship that is built to last and sometimes the reason is because people don’t grow with their partners the way they had anticipated.
It is human nature to change and develop, and your personal growth won’t always match up with that of your partner and this can affect your relationship. This doesn’t mean you should stop developing yourself either. It means you may need someone who is at the same level with you to be happy in life.
If you feel ashamed to bring your partner around certain people in your life because of the way they talk or act, then it’s possible you are outgrowing them.
If you are embarrassed to bring your partner, the one you claim to love so much to meet up with your friends, or made the plans without even thinking to invite them, your relationship may have run its course.
This is one reality many people find hard to accept when it comes to relationships. People should bear this at the back of their minds that relationships end. When this happens after you must have exhausted all possible means to stick to your partner, just let go of the relationship.
Outgrowing a relationship can be hard to accept since there isn’t usually some big blowup or specific problem to blame it on. But even though it’s hard to accept that a relationship might be past its prime, you don’t have to blame yourself for it.
One of the ways to know that you have outgrown your partner is when you start asking yourself if you should stay with them or go. How you can fall hopelessly in love with someone one moment, picture spending your life with them and then, poof! – one day you just feel drab about them, and about the relationship?
Your relationship no longer excites you. Your partner no longer excites you. You want to leave, but you are not sure if it’s just a phase. It can be so confusing!
Once that initial rush of lust and blissful happiness starts to wear off, when the love euphoria starts to fade and you see the real person you are with, that is when you know you are entering the make-or-break zone.
You either still love the person enough to want to stick around and get to know them even better or you start feeling like you want out.
Unless whatever it is that is making you question is a complete deal-breaker, I think that sticking it out for a little while past the honeymoon stage is a good idea. You have to give someone you love some chances even if you no longer feel excited about them.
If, on the other hand, you have been with the person for a reasonable amount of time and you feel like it’s not going anywhere or you don’t even feel like making the effort to revive the relationship, then move on with your life but be honest with your partner. Don’t just ignore them and expect them to figure out that your relationship is over.
You have to know that time is so precious and you shouldn’t waste it holding on to someone you don’t see a future with. You will realize this more as you get older that time waits for no one. Don’t waste your years in a dead-end relationship.
People change. Life, and all that comes with it, changes our views and the way we see our future panning out. Maybe when the two of you met, you both had the same goals for your lives. There was probably the talk of marriage and children.
But, that was then and this is now. If one or both of you no longer want the same things and neither is willing to compromise, is there a reason to stay together? If you can’t agree on what you both want for your future, why punish yourselves by staying glued to each other?
Let’s say your partner no longer wants the same things you want in two or three years time, don’t you think that is a deal breaker? Don’t let love fool your brain. Don’t think you will be able to change your partner’s mind. Let them be, and be strong enough to walk away. The time for change has come.
Towards the end of your relationship, you may start feeling embarrassed whenever your partner would hang out with your friends. This is one of the ways to realize that you have outgrown the relationship and no longer find the way your partner acts endearing.
You can grow in your career without outgrowing your partner but only if they are just as happy about your life plan as you are. If your partner resents your success and tries to keep you down, then you have definitely outgrown the relationship. You both have different life trajectories and the gap will only grow and make the situation worse.
I always tell Nigerian women who are ever ready to stop climbing the ladder of success in their careers because of the envy their men feel that they are making big mistakes in their lives. If your man doesn’t want you to be successful, he is an enemy of progress, simple. There’s no sugarcoating it. Career and business success is not meant for men alone.
Outgrowing the hobbies you and your partner once enjoyed together could be a sign you are outgrowing the whole relationship. If your shared activities and interests are no longer enjoyable to you, but your partner still likes them, it’s possible you have matured and they haven’t. If you have nothing else that bonds you, it’s probably time to move on.
Every relationship involves compromise, but if values are too different, it may be time to end the relationship and move on. If you realize one of you wants to eventually get married, settle down, and have children, but the other doesn’t see that future for themselves at all, it’s unlikely you will be able to grow together.
You have outgrown your partner if you make plans without them in mind. Do you not see yourself with your partner in your five-year plan? Do you also not see them with you at lunch next week? If so, you might be planning a future without your significant other. If you intentionally or subconsciously don’t want your partner to participate in your plans, it may be time for you both to move on.
If you are constantly wondering what your life would be like with someone else, you might be done with the relationship. There’s nothing wrong with fantasizing about what life would be like with someone else but it becomes a problem when you are constantly choosing to daydream about a life with someone else when you are still in a relationship with your partner.
Arguing about trivial things could mean that you are trying to find an out in your relationship. Constantly fighting about small things may be a way to pick a fight about something deeper or that you might be feeling as though you want to leave or want them to leave you. In any case, if you no longer want to be with your partner, tell them so that both of you can move on with your lives peacefully.
There’s nothing wrong with realising you and your partner aren’t the same people you were when your relationship started. Sometimes people will grow together, and sometimes they won’t and that’s okay. Men and women should learn to move on from dead-end relationships without drama.
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RE: How not to apologise to your spouse
Telling one’s wife sorry any time she feels offended is a ploy men use to deceive their wives. Doing that doesn’t mean he loves her. It is not always from their inner heart. It is a ruse, and besides, it is not our culture. Those women that demand sorry from their husbands will in future demand divorce from him and they will get it, and end up single mothers.
-Engr. Venitus
True love counts no errors. It’s nobody’s special duty to apologize to their partner. Some men see themselves as gods before their wives and they blame their wives for them, even the mistakes that were made by the man. Say sorry to your partner when you are at fault because that word sorry means a lot. It can save or destroy a marriage. If you say sorry, you will be forgiven and there will be peace. If you have not been doing it before, start doing it and your marriage shall be peacefully blessed.
-Mr. James Ekpeh, Ojo-alaba, Lagos
It’s quite unfortunate and disheartening to note that many men from this clime fail to accept the fact that no person, man or woman, had audience with God to decide or choose his or her sex at creation; hence none has the right to claim superiority over the other. Most men in their ignorance, selfishness, wickedness and weakness misunderstand God’s divine arrangement of making the man the head of the family.
-Pastor. Stephen, Abuja
Kate, whoever faults your profound statement that ‘it is the duty of both partners in a marriage to apologize when they wrong the other person’ is a selfish and dishonest person. This is one of your fairest and best outings.
-Chioma Papa
Thanks for the knowledge you minister to couples in this country. I wish every couple would be reading your column. I agree with you that refusing to apologize to your spouse is one of the things that destroy marriages.
-Emeka Okoloeeze, Onitsha
A genuine apology soothes a wounded soul. For a man to apologize to his spouse has in no way reduced his position in the home as head but instead cements his relationship with his wife to the envy of others.
-Geotrade, Abuja