There’s a story making rounds about a mother of four threatening to kill herself because her husband bought an outdated car for his ugly, unintelligent mgbeke sidechick.
This woman, a beautiful woman was so heartbroken that she left a post on her social media saying that if she’s no more, people should reach out to her children because they are unfortunate to be born in an evil family.
I pity this woman. I do. But at the same time, if I was close to her, I would tell her not to kill herself for any man. No man is worth that ultimate sacrifice. Jesus has already done that, she doesn’t need to die for another human being again.
I would ask her why she wants to throw her life away for a man who doesn’t care about humiliating her publicly. I would ask her why she wants to kill herself over a man who went to satisfy his sexual itch with a woman she’s better than.
I would ask her why she wants to leave her toddlers motherless because one man decided to live like a single man. I would ask her what she would gain if she dies and leave her children at the mercy of a man who already abandoned them and moved in with his side chick.
I would ask her why she made this man, a mere mortal, her all in all that she doesn’t imagine life without him. I would ask what her children would think of her when they become adults and learnt she killed herself over an irresponsible man.
Woman, snap out of it. Does it hurt to be cheated on? Yes. Does it hurt to trust a man and he turns around to break that trust in a humiliating way? Yes. Does it hurt to love a man, believe in him, build life with him and he turns around to replace you? Yes.
It hurts to be cheated on by your spouse. It is even worse when he flaunts his affair in your face. The pain pierces through your soul when he abandons you and your children for his latest sex attraction. That is the height of it. It is the greatest disrespect a woman can suffer at the hands of a man.
That kind of pain takes time to heal. It is indescribable. It’s like having your heart cut into tiny little pieces by someone who should love, nurture and protect you. But you don’t have to let any man make you do something crazy. You don’t have to make your children suffer because of a man’s irresponsibility.
Forget the man. Focus on yourself and your children. You are now both father and mother to your children. You have to be strong and do what’s best for them. You have to do whatever it takes to raise them and be there for them. You are all your children have, why do you want to leave them too because their father left you?
I think one thing Nigerian women should learn aside going to school, learning how to cook different dishes and how to be home makers is the art of moving on. If a relationship is not working, let it go.
If a man shows you through his words and actions that he no longer wants to be in your life, don’t force it. Let him go. It is painful, but it is better to be alone than start fighting an unnecessary battle just to keep a man by your side. It’s not worth it. Don’t expend your energy on fighting to keep an unwilling man.
I have spoken to different women at different times who told me that they are afraid of starting over even when it was clear that their men have left them. I know a woman whose husband would bring teenagers into their home and have sex with them whenever she’s not in town. This woman knows but she’s afraid of starting her life afresh without the man who is hurting her.
She told me one day that after being married for over ten years that she won’t leave her husband because he is a serial cheat. She said life without him would be hard. She has treated sexually transmitted infections many times, yet she’s holding on to this man like oxygen. I hope HIV doesn’t come knocking soon.
I know another woman whose husband would strip and beat her even before their children because she complained about his girlfriends. She told me that she will endure the humiliation till death parts them. She claims marriage is for better, for worse and divorcing her husband means going to hell.
The annoying thing is that she earns more money than this coward that strips and beats her for daring to question his extra-marital couplings. According to her, no woman will come and reap where she has sown with tears, blood and scars. She told me that nobody will look at her after four children and at almost 50 years.
I pity these women. They have made their decisions and I respect that but I don’t understand why someone would be with a man who doesn’t want to be with them.
What joy do they derive seeing these men flaunt their lovers in their faces, take these ladies out, pay for their vacations, have unprotected sex with them and still come back home to have sex with them?
Someone told me recently that if she were Mackenzie, wife of the Amazon boss who was cheated on, she won’t leave her marriage for a sidechick. She said she would fight to finish and keep her marriage after 25 years.
I laughed. I laughed so hard that she got angry. She said there was no point leaving a billionaire after being married to him for half a century. I told her that the Lord is her muscle. At least, Mackenzie is not leaving empty handed. She’s leaving her husband a billionaire.
Her case is far better than women who get cheated on by average men who are struggling to pay rent and the ones who make babies in one-room apartments and still cheat. Mackenzie is better than many Nigerian women who are on Facebook asking strangers how to talk to their cheating husbands.
I told this woman to go and read the messages Jeff Bezos sent to Lauren Sanchez carefully. The man is gone. He’s enamored by Sanchez. His messages were loaded with passion. You don’t fight to keep such a man. You let him go. He put everything on the line for this woman and he should be allowed to enjoy his relationship with her with half his wealth. That sounds fair.
At the root of all these talks of not leaving a marriage when it is clear that your partner has left you is fear. Many women are afraid of starting life all over again. Some are afraid because they don’t have the money to take care of themselves and their children.
The fear of starting life all over again keeps many women trapped in unhappy, abusive and dead marriages. They prefer to endure the pain and humiliation their men put them through than start over. It’s sad.
RE: What women are expected to do in relationships
While I may agree with you to an extent, try and be fair to the good men in Nigeria. You don’t know how many men are suffering at the hands of bad women. The fact that these men don’t talk about what their wives do to them doesn’t mean that they are not being hurt by these women. Talk to your fellow women to stop making the lives of good men miserable. I know you care about good relationships, so talk some sense into these women. They are damaging their men. -Gideon Onyema, Onitsha
As the New Year has rolled in, let God continue to give you wisdom and strength to continue the good work you are doing. For a wife to quit her job, it must be a joint decision by the couple. No matter the kind of jobs we do, we must consider our family interest first. It is dangerous for couples to leave home early in the morning and come back home late at night because of money. What benefit is the money to the family? Husbands should truly love their wives and wives should be submissive according to the law of marriage as it is in the Holy book. Husbands and wives should treat themselves with respect too. -Mr. Jakes Ekpeh, Lagos
Kate, I believe men should let their wives follow their dreams and even support them but our society and the President said our wives belong to the kitchen and to the other room. What a shameful and backward country we live in. Don’t blame the men who try to stifle their wives but the mundane cultures and religious laws that pull Africa backwards. -Prince, Lagos
Don’t you think it’s too early in the year to start your anti-marriage campaign? I read your column and as usual, it was filled with men-bashing sentences. You are beginning to sound ridiculous. What exactly is the aim of your column? How will it help marriages in Nigeria? What plans do you have for the women you are always supporting to misbehave and disrespect their husbands? Will you marry them if their husbands send them packing? We are Africans and our culture remains our culture. Women are meant to sit at home and take care of the children while men work to bring back money. You cannot change that. -Emeka Okeke, Abuja
I want to encourage you for the good work you have been doing with your column. But you are one-sided in your writing. You favour women above men. How about women that refused to do anything to help her husband even when her husband provided every opportunity for her to succeed? What will you call that kind of person? God bless Nigerian men. -0803….743
Sister Kate, you are God-sent to Nigerian women. Thank you for speaking for us and refusing to allow these misogynists get to you. They are afraid of what women would become if they allow them unleash their potentials. God bless you for writing the realities of many married women. –Mercy Praise, Calabar