What to say to someone who has lost a loved one
It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide.
Acknowledge the situation. Example: “I heard that your… died.” Use the word “died” That will show that you are more open to talk about how the person really feels.
Express your concern. Example: “I’m sorry to hear that this happened to you.”
Be genuine in your communication and don’t hide your feelings. Example: “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care.”
Offer your support. Example: “Tell me what I can do for you.”
Ask how she feels, and don’t assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.
Here are more tips in helping a grieving person.
1: Listen with compassion
Almost everyone worries about what to say to a grieving person. But knowing how to listen is much more important. Oftentimes, well-meaning people avoid talking about the death or mentioning the deceased person, but the bereaved needs to feel that her loss is acknowledged, it’s not too terrible to talk about, and her loved one won’t be forgotten.
While you should never try to force someone to open up, it’s important to let the bereaved know she has permission to talk about the loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don’t steer away from the subject if the deceased’s name comes up. When it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions—without being nosy—that invites the grieving person to openly express her feelings. Try simply asking, “Do you feel like talking?”
Accept and acknowledge all feelings. Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down. Don’t try to reason with her over how she should or shouldn’t feel. The bereaved should feel free to express her feelings without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.
Be willing to sit in silence. Don’t press if the grieving person doesn’t feel like talking. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.
Let the bereaved talk about how her loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death. With each retelling, the pain lessens.
Offer comfort and reassurance without minimizing the loss. Tell the bereaved that what she is feeling is okay. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. However, don’t give unsolicited advice, claim to “know” what the person is feeling, or compare your grief to hers.