Grandma was not a member of APC. Or PDP. But a patron of Old Widows League (OWL) Party. We believe her ban was politically motivated.
Usoro I. Usoro
We the placard-carrying people of Nigeria – comprising the grandchildren; great grandchildren; great great grandchildren of Madam Nkoyo – supported by our roommates and co-tenants including cockroaches, rats and spiders, hereby protest and state as follows:
*That our matriarch died last year and was buried in December, 2017. The moment we touched her hand, we knew she was gone and we didn’t need Trump to judge from a weak handshake before telling us she was “lifeless”!
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*That having died peacefully at a very ripe age, we jointly gave her a befitting burial. We made sure no “kwuarapt” politician donated N5 billion into the Buhari, sorry, burial fund. Reason? We did not want to appear hypocritical and ungrateful in the event that the same politician contributes money to grandma’s quarrelsome neighbour’s hospital bill. No one needed to remind us of Atiku’s largesse to Buhari’s 2015 campaign fund.
*That after so many months, it came to us as a rude shock that PMB issued a travel ban, suggesting mama must be sent out of paradise. Now, grandma is distressed and has reportedly vowed to resist any attempt to repatriate her to Nigeria. Her greatest anger is that if Buhari can’t secure the living, how can he protect the “lifeless”? One dead journalist who covered the event said Grandma was even more upset after she read in Heaven’s Herald newspaper about the brutal killing of Hauwa Liman, a young, lively and kind hearted aid worker, by Boko Haram – the same group Buhari has technically defeated severally!
*That grandma was not a member of APC. Or PDP. But a patron of Old Widows League (OWL) Party. We believe her ban was politically motivated. Well, she died shortly after she wrote to Buhari to marry her as a second wife! Grandma was ready to be submissive and wouldn’t have “revolted”(?) like Aisha. After all, she didn’t know much of turenshi and completely limited herself to “za oza room” when grandpa was alive. So, perhaps to ensure she did not send him another letter from yonder, EO6 emerged.
*That we got a call from an unreliable source in the land of the dead that grandma’s death certificate was seized by the Customs and Immigration, close to Heaven’s border; hence she’s at risk of being evicted from glory. We’ve contacted Femi Falana, SAN. The man just smirked at Buhari’s picture on his wall, shook his head and said the order will “expose the Buhari administration to ridicule”! He said EO6 (Executive Order 6) was a reminder of the ‘jackboot’ era of the military junta, where opponents were intimidated, muscled recklessly. Mike Ozekhome, SAN; socio-cultural and political groups; civil society organisations; etc also told us that the ban is targeted at opposition elements. Some say it’s “the dawn of new dictatorship”. Ask Ikenga Ugochinyere of Coalition United Political Parties (CUPP). He calls it “final unveiling of forewarned tyranny”! Oh yeah, they’re ready to defend grandma’s constitutional right to die peacefully. Because they see EO6 as a desperate move that would lead to abuse of law and order. It can even ban people from not living and dying!
*That consequent upon PMB’s order, grandma has been harassed, ridiculed and subjected to “inhuman” treatment inside the gate of paradise. Well, since she’s no longer human, we are worried she may also be given “inspirit” treatment. She was even accused of procuring a fake visa to paradise! For now, the consolation is that, like they say in churches, the gate of hell could not prevail!
*That we feel very disturbed, angry and have suffered untold ridicule from both reasonable and mad people. Consequently, we are embarking on hunger strike until grandma’s death certificate is returned. And, we intend to make the strike as long as Fayose’s statement at EFCC’s office!
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*That we are very concerned that instead of waking his security chiefs, whom he said were “cracking their brains” on how to solve the insecurity situation, things seem to be deteriorating. After several persons were killed in Sokoto massacre in July, 2018, Buhari begged us: “I appeal for your patience while my security teams crack (sic) their brains to put an end to this horrendous violence”. Now, we can’t run. We only wait for our day with Boko-something or herdsmen.
*That since PMB is desperately looking for what to ban, he should forbid his men in the Senate from throwing chairs and tantrums at one another over fuel subsidy. Ahmed Lawan, Ali Ndume and Kabiru Marafa – Buhari’s core supporters in the Senate are at daggers drawn over the operation of $3.8bn Fuel Subsidy Fund by NNPC. The senators say it’s an illegal fund operated by only the GMD and ED Finance of NNPC. Now, Ndume claims Mafara’s Downstream committee has been compromised in the course of the inquiry. Pre-2015, Buhari said there was nothing like subsidy, suggesting Jonathan was corruptly using it to enrich himself. Now, he’s not only paying over but keeps ignoring the incessant noise over the alleged subsidy scam.
*That we hope the N20 million the president used to treat his ear problems abroad was not wasted. If the problem persists, thereby affecting his hearing and awareness of Nigerians’ cries, we suggest he applies Aboniki ointment. It works wonders – could heat up the eardrums and all!
*That the timing of the travel ban is suspect. Why now with just a few months into the 2019 general elections? One idiot said it was written in the night, using candle light and, well, trama-whatever – reminiscence of some military decrees.
*That the grammar and volume of EO6 cannot be heavier than those of the 1999 Constitution (as amended). The constitution has more “force” because it was written by active military officers; while EO6 was written by some bloody civilians and endorsed by a retired military brass! In fact, we suspect the order was written by the same brains who tricked Baba into saying national (personal) interest is greater than the rule of law.
*That our village ancestors are disturbed and have mandated us to ask Buhari why he keeps disturbing them in the obodo of the dead. They recalled that he appointed about eight of them recently into boards. The lucky(?) ones included Senator Francis Okpozo; Rev Fr Christopher Utov; DIG Donald Ugbaja (retd); Garba Attahiru; Umar Dange; Magdalene Kumu; Dr Nabbs Imegwu; Comrade Ahmed Bunza. The latest beneficiary of Buhari’s unwarranted attention is Innocent Umezulike, former chief judge of Enugu state who became “lifeless” since June. He was buried in July, 2018.
*That, well, while our ancestors appreciate PMB’s love for the “lifeless”, they plead to be left alone so they won’t miss from both sides. You see, they reason that they can’t return to the earth now as their bodies have decayed and are worried that further distraction from Buhari may cause them miss dinner or lunch! And, lest we forget, they added that the travel ban sounds as suspicious and ridiculous as a story which says some “nude dancers” were remanded in prison custody. Does it mean they were still nude and dancing while in custody? The answer, like that of the EO6, is still hanging…!