H-e-l-p! Why are you standing there and looking at me like Lucozade? Don’t you have in you some milk or akamu or moi moi or agidi or kunu or fura dunono of human kindness? I say, h-e-l-p and you are ‘moping’ at me like Nigerian MOPOL?
I say, h-e-l-p, my mouth is in Gear 4, and my mind, in Gear 1. Or, don’t you know how to move the two to synchronise with each other? If you can’t h-e-l-p, then what kind of driver are you? Danfo Driver? Bolekaja driver?
I say, h-e-l-p, condition owan critical. My mouth actually was supposed to be in Gear 1 or 2, and my mind in Gear 4 or 5, but you see, I don’t know what happened and the reverse became the case and the case became the reverse.
Somebody just whispered something into the ear of someone reading this piece that he should ask me whether I trained on how to talk with Adams Oshiomhole, the current chairman of All Progressives Congress (APC). If I give you slap, like Nigerians would say, dem go hear its sound in Iyamho, Edo State. Come o, na wetin concern me, concern Oshiomhole?
Ok, to answer your question, I didn’t train on how to talk with Oshio-Baba. In fact, I don’t think I have ever met him in person, in my life. On TV and pages of newspapers, yes, but not in real life. So? How could I have trained on how to talk with someone I have never met before whether in the dream or in physical form? The only thing I will like to admit here and now is that it seems we are birds of a feather, not of the same feather, mind you.
Who was it that said that the mind controls the body? Socrates? Na lie! My mouth controls my mind. In that case, instead of saying, like we usually say here in Nigeria, ‘you can speak your mind’ or ‘please, speak your mind’, you can say, ‘please speak your mouth’. Are you see what I am saw? (apologies to Chief Zebrudaya Okoroigwe Nwogbo, Alias 4.30).
So, when Chief John Odigie-Oyegun, immediate past national chairman of the APC lashed out angrily at his successor, Adams Oshiomhole, early in the week and said that he “engages his mouth before engaging his mind” hence he often offends party members leading to the defeat that the party suffered during the recent elections, you think he was only talking about Oshio-Baba?
No, he was actually using that opportunity to address those of us whose mouths run faster than their minds. And, as God, or is it Satan? would have it, I happened to be one of them. As you can see from what you have read so far in this week’s article, my mouth runs faster than my mind.
Actually, I was on my way to Yaba Psychiatric Hospital (Yaba West/Waste/Waist? or East/Yeast?/ Yi pada? or North/Nut/Knot?), to ask our men and women working round the clock there, sweating it out, whether there is anything they can do to correct the mental imbalance they said lies deep in my hormone and gene, before I thought it wise to drop these few lines for all my readers because I wouldn’t know whether I would come back from the place better or worse than I was when I went there.
Now that I have done that, now that I have written what I had in my mouth to say to you all, our psychiatrists-compatriots can arise, as our national anthem is demanding from them and get on with the job: they can start the operation or is it oppression?, immediately. There’s no more wasting of time.
I originally placed my mouth in Gear 1 and my mind on Gear 4. If you are one of our psychiatrists-compatriots, please, help me find out whether there had been any shift, any change to the Next Level. Find out whether things are still the way they were when my mouth was on Gear 1 and my mind in Gear 4. If there has been a shift to the Next Level, on which is my mouth and mind now?
I need to know because e be like say overtake don overtake overtake (apology to Fela Anikulapo-Kuti). Like I told you earlier, I suffer from one speaking ailment: my mouth runs faster than my mind and I have tried all I can to correct the problem but none of the measures taken by me or by our psychiatrist-compatriot seems to be working. I am almost at my wit’s end.
Some people call it mouth diarrhea but I don’t think they are correct because mine has nothing to do with diarrhea. I am not stooling frequently nor am I having runny (running?) stomach. So? What I am suffering from is anything but mouth diarrhea.
My mouth is in Gear 4 and my mind in Gear 1. Honestly speaking, I don’t know why my mind is this slow and my mouth faster. I don’t know why my mouth is in Gear 4 and my mind in Gear 1. This is why I am at Yaba Psychia to correct the imbalance. I want my mind to be in Gear 4 and my mouth in Gear 1. I don’t want to offend anybody whenever I talk. I don’t want to fail election or election to fail me. I don’t want party members to leave this party because of the gear at which my mouth is running or the gear at which my mind is musing.
The other party said it was going to rule for 60 years, abi? Now listen and listen very well. I want our party to rule for 120, and with a combined honour: Next Level plus Last Level. Those who agree say, Aiye, those who don’t, say, Ned. So? Henceforth, I want to engage my mind (sorry, I am yet to determine the gear number) before engaging my mouth (apology to Chief Oyegun). Now, that I have proved to you that I did not have my training on how to talk from Oshiomhle, we only share the same speech ailment, when am I getting your apology?