It is possible that sex is painful for her in which case you can try using lubricants but when that fails, you might suggest medical help.
My wife has lost interest in sex. Except I make advances towards her, I don’t get any sex. I am so mad at her that I have taken to having affairs to satisfy my cravings. We have been married for eight years and have two children. This began after our first child, but she managed to succumb to my desires hence the pregnancy that resulted in the birth of our second child. Our second child is now three years old and for the period of three years I can count how many times I have touched my wife with one finger.
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I don’t know if she does not just like sex or if she does not like me. When I try to be romantic she just curls up and you could see the disgusting look on her face. I can’t go on like this. I love her, and I love my children. What can I do to bring about a turnaround?
You really don’t need to be mad at her. You need to find out what is going on with her to make her feel this way about sex. It is possible that sex is painful for her in which case you can try using lubricants but when that fails, you might suggest medical help.
As Elizabeth McGrath, a sex therapist and educator, while commenting on case similar to your situation said: “Both women and men experience physical and hormonal fluctuations.” She explained that for women, such fluctuations might impact sexual drive along with things like physical readiness for sex, changes in vaginal wetness and simply ‘feeling sexy.’
McGrath’s advice in situations like this is to remember to take things slow: “Women have a sexual arousal period that is longer than men so when sex goes too fast from one thing to the next it can be hard to get turned on with the same speed.” Painful intercourse, sometimes called dyspareunia, can feel incredibly isolating. Thankfully, understanding the specific discomfort you’re experiencing can help you and your health care provider find the right treatment.
There are other causes that might just require you to show some extra tenderness. It is possible that she is totally exhausted.
“Not tonight, honey, I’m too tired” sometimes really does just mean “not tonight, honey, I’m way too tired.” After a busy day of work, school drop-offs and household errands, it’s very likely that your spouse is too exhausted to even think about having sex, said McGrath.
“Exhaustion is real; women need a chance to feel ‘full’ energetically and nourished If your partner has no time for herself or room to rest, relax and recharge her batteries, it can be difficult to give sexually.”
To remedy this, give each other some alone time and “experiment with how intimacy feels after she’s had some time just for her,” McGrath said.
It is also possible that she is not feeling emotionally connected.
When was the last time you connected with her emotionally? Rather than being angry at her and your lackluster sex life, focus on making sure that you both remember the magic chemistry that brought you together.
When was the last time you looked into her eyes?
According to McGrath, feeling emotionally connected helps women to feel turned on before they have sex. “And guess what? This is true for men, too. Try sharing with each other three things you appreciate about your relationship. Say it again, so you are sure you got it before moving on to the next one. Then, expand the conversation by quizzing each other about the three things you enjoy about having sex.
By the time you are through with this simple exercise, you’ll feel emotionally connected and you might think about what brought you together in the first place. You might even feel turned on enough to start something sexy,” she said.
Please let us know what worked.
■ Dr. NJ