I’m of the opinion that families should read their would be sons in-law a Riot Act before giving their daughters out in marriage. You should as a matter of urgency stand up for your daughters from day one. It should be made known in clear terms that your family does not condone domestic violence. And if such occurs, the consequences will be grave.

The reality is that most of our male family figure heads would probably not boldly say this to their would be sons-in-law because they were once or are still abusers themselves. They have no moral right to tell their sons in-law to not hit their daughters since they feel that women should be handled with iron fist.

If you are uncomfortable to read your would be son-in-law the riot act because of your own actions towards your wife, it is best you call your family together and apologise to them first. Apologise to your wife for how you treated her and your children and for the damage your actions did to their psyche. Admit that you were wrong in your approach and should have done better.

Tell your sons that no woman deserves to be beaten or talked down on. Tell your daughters that no man has the right to treat them like you treated their mother. They should never remain in an abusive relationships in whatever guise. Tell them in clear terms that you are not a role model neither is their mother. No abuser or the person who endures the abuse in a relationship/marriage is a role model.  Walking away for their own safety is a basic survival instinct. Failure to tell your sons and daughters this truth, the cycle of abuse continues, and this time, it becomes more brutal.

Your daughters should understand that the saying “divorce does not run in our family/ lineage” is for those who do not value their own lives. They should find their way out if any man is unable to control his anger around them. Teach them that their lives matter most and they must love themselves enough. They should make themselves the focus of their own happiness. Building their happiness around others or marriage leaves them ultimately vulnerable to domestic violence and abuse.

Tell them the definition of a good/strong woman is not a woman who remains in an abusive relationship or marriage just because society and religion obviously nurtures abuse. It’s the reason most men in this clime would tell you they want a God fearing woman. A good, strong and God fearing woman in this regard is a woman that is abuse compliant. She would rather die than be separated from her violent spouse or a man who disrespects her. She would rather remain unhappy for the rest of her life, losing herself worth in the process, than leave a loveless and life threatening marriage. She does not believe in boundaries because marriage must be protected. She believes God hates divorce and that God is interested in her marriage more than He is in her happiness.

The average Nigerian will tell you their mothers are the perfect example of a ‘good/strong woman’. Their definition of a good/strong woman is synonymous with suffering. She suffers poverty, lack, endures violence just so her children can get the best. Unfortunately, the best she gave them would likely not make up for the damage done to their psyche, because people inherit the vices and virtues of their closest associates. The years of suffering, unhappiness and enduring abuse so as to protect her marriage has scarred the children for life and it will not be long before they start to manifest signs of what they witnessed growing up because they were raised with violence.

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So, tell your daughters that a good and strong woman is not measured by the amount of wickedness she endures. A good woman understands that she deserves better and walks away from any situation that threatens her peace of mind and safety. She is a responsible woman who will not raise her children in a toxic environment. She doesn’t make excuses for a man’s irresponsible behavior and doesn’t settle for anything less than joy, love and peace of mind.

A strong woman doesn’t give in to emotional blackmail, be it religious or societal. A good/strong woman has an open heart, she is sensitive and empathetic, but if someone is harsh to her, she can stand up for herself and set clear boundaries. She does not pretend to be spiritual and let her passive approach to hurt her inside. She’s not on bended knees praying and crying for a man who has decided to live life on his own terms.

She does not blame the devil for his irresponsibility. And because she is aware that marriage is a partnership and not a slave-master relationship, she doesn’t fight, she is modest and peaceful, so she walks away instead.

One thing I have come to realize overtime is that men listen to fellow men easily. They take a fellow man’s advice or warnings seriously. So, when whoever represents a father figure in a family gives a girl’s hand in marriage and reads his fellow man the riot act on things not to do to their girls, these men know exactly their fate if they default.

If your daughter reports an act of violence to you, do not just ask her what she did to provoke him. Do not dismiss her fear or try to discount her. Protect her first. Report the  matter appropriately. Encourage temporary separation or even divorce. It’s best your child is divorced and alive, than remain in a marriage that would ultimately terminate her life.

Law enforcement officials should be trained and retrained on what is expected when a case of domestic violence is reported. Our laws need urgent review as a matter of fact. Their should be dare consequences for domestic violence and when a partner wants out for fear of their own life, the court should not insist they remain married.

Lets start having these conversations and do not for whatever reasons sugarcoat it. Enough of these needless violence against women in marriage.