Some people have high expectations when going into a relationship. They have also met people who had high relationship expectations too.
What they don’t know is that dating with such high expectations at the back of their minds has a way of messing things up.
When you expect your man or woman to be a certain way, talk a certain way and express themselves in a particular way, you may ruin your chances of building a wonderful relationship.
This is not saying you shouldn’t look out for some qualities and positive traits in your potential date, it means you shouldn’t expect things to go the exact way you have planned it. It means you should have standards but be flexible enough to accommodate your new date.
Sometimes, after you have your first serious relationship, it molds you. One way or another, even if it ended badly, you expect your next date to be like your first. You seem to grasp your preferred aspects of previous relationships and carry those into future ones, holding your next mate to high and sometimes unreasonable, expectations.
Expectations of any sort usually lead to a failing relationship. Yet, people seem to continue to do it, assuring themselves that they deserve the best and only the best. They tell themselves that having high expectations is okay even if it means losing out completely in the end.
Recently, a young lady and I were talking about failed relationships and she told me that she had a reflective moment when thinking back on some of the boyfriends she has had. She told me that she messed up her last relationship because of some unrealistic expectations.
At the time when things erupted and exploded between her and her last boyfriend, she thought it was the guy’s fault. She felt the guy didn’t love her enough for failing to meet up with her demands in their relationship. She felt things should play out in a particular way and when they didn’t, she felt he wasn’t the right guy.
She told me she didn’t struggle with some of the self-love or insecurity issues many of her friends did, but perhaps her problem was unwavering in her demands. She had an uncompromising idea of what it meant for a man to love and respect her.
This lady in her 30s didn’t really think about where the men could have been coming from or what they may have needed from her too. In retrospect, she realized that, while some of the men she dated weren’t right for her anyway, it was her high expectations that ultimately sent some of those relationships to their graves.
People, having high expectations can ruin your dating experience. It is good to have relationship standards, stick to them, refuse to be abused physically, emotionally and psychologically but don’t be stiff.
Don’t go into relationships with a fixed mindset of how things should be. Learn to go with the flow. Having high expectations of how things should be has a way of ruining your dates and relationships. Here are ways these expectations ruin dating.
You expect instant conversation flow. You believe that, like in the movies, you should have easy, witty, electric banter with sparks flying up and down between you and your date. If you struggle to get the conversation going, then you think you two just aren’t meant to be.
A small disagreement throws you off. If you can’t agree on which table to sit at, which appetizer to share, or even where to get a drink while waiting for a table, you just feel that you are not a match. You assume you and your match will be in sync on these details.
Little differences upset you. When you discover little differences—like he likes hot foods but you like your food cold or he doesn’t like coffee and you can’t live without it—you just feel things won’t work out.
You come in too hot. You arrive very excited and even ask too many questions some too personal. You want to share everything you can about yourself in the little time you have and learn all you can about him. Your date feels like this is a speed interview, more than a casual, social interaction.
Any diversion from your vision upsets you. You have a very specific idea in your head of how the date should go, how the venue will look and feel, and even exactly how your date’s voice will sound. When you have such a specific vision, your dates are bound to let you down.
You have high scheduling demands. If a date goes well, then you believe you will both be itching to schedule another one as soon as possible. So, if your date asks to see you again in two weeks, you just feel deflated. You think that if he really liked you, he would want to see you tomorrow.
You have high communication demands. You also believe that if there is a real match there, you will be texting and calling throughout the day, starting immediately after your first date. But not everyone wants to move that fast with communication—some reserve hourly texting for serious relationships.
While dating a lot of people at once isn’t necessarily a great idea, it also doesn’t make someone evil. If a man you had a great date with still schedules dates with other women, it certainly doesn’t mean you two couldn’t be a match. But you have high expectations, so you decide he’s wrong for you all because he doesn’t cancel on every other woman after one good date with you.
You think misunderstandings are signs. Misunderstandings are bound to happen between two people who just met. But you believe that you and your soul mate will understand each other at every second, from the first moment you meet. So you will write someone off if there is a little misunderstanding.
You want constant chemistry and excitement. You believe that there should be a big spark, right away, that never goes away. If you don’t feel it, you give up on the date immediately. But not even long-term couples who love each other feel a spark all the time. Some people fall in love gradually and love at first sight isn’t for everyone.
You over-talk it with your friends. You talk to your friends about it too much—it was just one good date. So that makes you build up your expectations even higher. You know they will have questions about the second date, so you especially want it to go well. You are just setting yourself up for disappointment.
You get ahead of yourself in conversation. If a date is going really well, you think it is fine to say something about how you messed up your ex’s apartment after they broke up with you through text messages. That will scare your ex away.
Your energy is unnerving. Your energy is just a bit unnerving. You are so excited that you come off as nervous. You aren’t relaxed. You aren’t thinking straight because you are hyper-analyzing the interaction. Your date doesn’t get to meet and talk with the real you.
You write someone off forever. Essentially, when your expectations are high, you will write someone off permanently over one little hitch. You have a mental block about that person now and won’t give him another thought.
RE: He left you for another woman, bid him farewell
The only people that get angry when the truth is being told are those who are living a lie. The truth they say is bitter but someone has got to tell it anyway. Most Nigerian men have this sense of entitlement that because they are men, they should be treated like gods without caring what the woman feels or thinks. And women who think this behaviour is normal annoy me. I think these men should quit looking for who’s being a man hater and work towards making themselves better. -Mae, Awka
It is painful and unfortunate that any man or woman wants to take their lives because someone left them. It is important for women to learn to move on with their lives irrespective of how much they love the men who left them for other women. Life is not fair but women should be strong. Those who don’t see anything good about your articles don’t represent the truth. -Mr. James Ekpeh, Lagos
Every week, I read your column with high expectations because I know you won’t disappoint me. Thank you for always strengthening women through your opinionated articles. You remain a rock for many Nigerian women. You are correct; no man is worth dying for. Marriage is not a do or die affair, and women need to hear this blunt truth. -Blessing, Abuja
Kate, may your pen never run dry. Some men think that stopping a woman from earning a living is the best but it’s not. I am sorry for women that allow their so called husbands deny them the right to make their own money. No man can do that to me. -Isioma, Asaba
Kate, thanks for your advice for men and women in relationships. It is irresponsible thinking and cowardly to think of taking your own life because your spouse left you for someone else. -Anyaegbunam, Nnewi