Call it madness, craziness, akula, isi mgbawa or whatever you like, na you sabi. All that I know is that for me, it started right from the time I received the news, two days after the Saturday, February 23 Presidential/National Assembly, that my chairman, now to be known and addressed as Distinguished Senator Dr. Orji Uzor Kalu (OUK) has won the Abia North senatorial election with 30, 580 votes.
He was to tweet earlier in the week these words: “Today, the Governorship candidate of our great party @APC Nigeria, Uche Ogah, paid me a courtesy visit. Yesterday’s broom revolution (meaning the victory of Muhammadu Buhari in the Presidential election) was just a tip of what is to come on March 9th. By the grace of God and the people we shall deliver.” Someone just whispered into my ears that Buhari had Festus, that’s why he came first and Atiku had Secondus, that’s why he came second. That person whispering nonsense into my ears, if I give you slap (Nigerian English) they will hear its sound in Daura.
Back to my story, the moment I received the news concerning OUK senatorial victory something started running riot in my head as if I wan mental (apology to Monday Osunbor of Anini robbery gang fame). One of the trailer drivers terrorizing our lives at 2, Coscharis Kirikiri, the headquarters of The Sun Publishing Limited, publishers of The Sun newspapers and Sporting Sun, by blocking our ways and entrance into the newspaper house was among the first to notice the strange behaviour when he drove furiously on the adjoining Happyhome Avenue, as if he was being pursued by Satan himself, but stopped abruptly when I jumped onto the road.
Surprised and mad at the same time, he angrily stretched out his hand, opened his palms and did to me what Nigerians call “waka”. “Ori oda,” (meaning, e be like say you don begin dey craze), he followed up, as he let out a string of invectives in Yoruba. “Were ni e” (meaning “your head no correct”).
Still standing, with my hands akimbo, in front of his trailer, I said, without shaking, “Did you mean that I am someone who eats and falls on the road (Igbo: ori o daa)? For your information, I am not. But on this day of OUK victory in the senatorial election, I wouldn’t mind being one, for once. I wouldn’t mind eating and falling on the road. Who cares? In fact, ngaga na-egbu m egbu (I am beside myself with joy).
“As for your question on whether I come from Owerri (“Were ni e ”), I don’t. Even though I belong to Owerri Zone, I don’t live anywhere near Douglas House, the seat of Imo State government. Or, did you mean, “were” (“take” in Igbo)? Ok oh, anything you give me on this day of OUK victory, including yabis (apology to Fela), I fit take.
“E bi like say you don begin dey craze, abi?,” the man said, probably by way of interpreting into Pidgin English what he had earlier uttered in Yoruba, in case I didn’t understand him. “Neva. There’s no way I can craze on this day of my chairman’s victory. No way,” I replied. “In fact, let me tell you, if na about craze, I go fit accept if it comes after this victory celebration but today dem announced his victory in the senatorial election, craze no dey strike anyone on a day like this. Dem neva born am. In fact, if craze dey come and see me dancing Azonto then Ikwerikwe Mgba, Ikpirikpi Ogu, Agbachaa Ekuru Nwa, Ohafia War Dance, Alija, Nkpokiti, Atilogwu, Ogene, Nkwa Umuagbogho (although I am not a woman, but that’s all right, that’s allowed on this day of joy and celebration, to cross clearly defined boundaries, that is), Egedege, Igba Ndi Eze, Mmanwu, Ijele, Ese, Omuru Nwa and Adamma, e go turn face one way and run.”
“You think so?” he said. “So you think moto no dey kill somebody on a day like this?” “No way. Moto no dey kill on a day like this,” I answered. “Try am and see if your tyres and wheels will not scatter, with some running to South East, some to North Central, some to North East, some to South West, some to North West and some to South South. Your trailer fit knock engine sef. In fact, if your trailer gets to know that you want to kill me on the day I am celebrating OUK victory, the ignition will refuse to kick-start the engine. Your gear will refuse to move into position. Your horn will refuse to sound. Nothing will work. Or, you think say your trailer will obey your command on the day like this when it is not the Evil Forest they told us in Achebe’s Things Fall Apart, kills a man on the day his life is sweetest to him? No way! It will not.”
“You think so?,” he asked. “Yes, I do.” “Say make I try am and see whether the tyres of this trailer will not flatten your body like wrapper on this Happy Home Avenue, including your coconut head?”
“I say try am. I am glad you called it Happy Home Avenue.” And, with that I began to sing and dance to Pharrell Williams’ 2013 hit “Happy.” It might seem crazy what I’m ‘bout to say/ I’m a hot air balloon that could go to space/With the air, like I don’t care baby by the way/Huh, because I’m happy/Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof/Because I’m happy/Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth/ Because I’m happy/Clap along if you know what happiness is to you/Because I’m happy/Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do/Here come bad news, talking this and that/ (Yeah) Well, give me all you got, and don’t hold it back/(Yeah) Well, I should probably warn you I’ll be just fine/(Yeah) No offense to you, don’t waste your time/Here’s why/Because I’m happy
“Bring me down, can’t nuthin’ (happy)/Bring me down/My level is too high to bring me down (happy)/Can’t nuthin’, bring me down (happy)/I said, let me tell you now, unh (happy)/Bring me down, can’t nuthin’, bring me down (happy, happy, happy)/My level is too high to bring me down (happy, happy, happy)/Can’t nuthin’ bring me down (happy, happy, happy)/I said/Because I’m happy
Brothers and Sisters, I was surprised when I saw a shadow dancing around me. I looked and behold, it turned out that the trailer driver who was full of insults and curses a while ago had joined me in singing Pharrell Williams’ “Happy.” But he got momentarily confused when I changed the song to Chibuzor Nelson Azubuike (Phyno)’s “Fada Fada,” and “No Guts No Glory” (NGNG).