Brothers and Sisters in Crisis, abeg make una help me o. I have just been invited by our honourable men and women at the National Assembly to come and explain within 24 hours of the receipt of their invitation why I should not be sent to either Zamfara or Taraba state to join our gallant policemen and women trying to chase marauding bandits out of the zone. For losing weight!

As a matter of fact, it was my wife and children who first discovered that I have lost weight. That was before my friends did. “Darling,” my wife said. “I just discovered of late that you are losing weight in spite of my attempt to see that you are well-fed in this house. What’s the matter? You don’t sleep well or what? Come o, I hope this is not sign of HIV or AIDS?”

“It’s true, Daddy,” my children added. “We are not comfortable with the way you are losing weight these days. We suggest you visit our Presido. We learnt that since he returned from his private visit to UK, he’s mastered the art of telling why people lose weight. Perhaps, he can tell you why.”

“I don’t know why you people are losing your sleep over nothing. That’s what we call much ado about nothing,” I said.

“How can you say that,” my wife interjected. “Look at your shape. Look at your waist. Whereas before the belt fastener used to rest at the second to the last hole, now it is second after the first hole. And, you are telling me there is no cause for alarm. There is! Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately and seen how haggard and hungry you look? My husband, if you don’t feel like checking into any of our hospitals, private and public, please, check into Aso Rock Clinic. I am sure that our Mummy Nigeria, Aisha and Daddy Nigeria, PMB (President Muhammadu Buhari), will be able to take adequate care of you. In fact, they will be able to detect the reason you are losing weight every day, much more than our doctors can.” 

“I am still on my point. You said I am losing weight in spite of your attempt to see that I am well-fed. Which kin well-fed bi dat? You drink kunu in the morning, pap in the afternoon and akamu at night, and you call those three square meals? You eat yam at midnight, cocoyam at 3am and foofoo at 5am and you call that balanced diet? You serve me kpomo in the morning, kanda in the afternoon and tarpaulin in the night, and you call that meat? You talk about my belt fastener being fastened in the second after the first hole, in the First Level of our change (chain?) years, think of what will happen in the Next Level. Don’t worry, very soon I will start drilling new holes into my belt so that I can start adjusting the fastener as to keep my trousers firm on my waist. As for losing weight through sleeplessness, how many of us have actually be sleeping at night given the general state of insecurity?”

“Daddy,” my children said. “We agree with mummy o. Something must be wrong somewhere with the way you are losing weight. You better go to Aso Rock Clinic so that they can find out what is wrong with you.”

“I am not going,” I said. “I have already found out what is wrong with me, why I am losing weight. It is not HIV, AIDS or whatever you and your mummy call it. It is hungeriasis.”

Hungeriasis?” my daughter asked. “I am not sure I have come across such a word in English. What does that mean, Daddy?” “If you don’t know, just listen to the thunder-like rumbles in your stomach or your neighbour’s and you will know. When hunger wire you sotey you no see gari drink or smoke that is hungeriasis. When hunger hammer you until your eyes come sink into your sockets or go tanda for your back, that is hungeriasis. When hunger flog you until you come dey run tika tika, looking for what to fight it back with, that is hungeriasis for you.”   

If na because of dat you dey lose weight make you go see our Presido then,” my wife suggested. “Does he have the cure?” I asked. “Even if he does not have the cure, he fit tell you why you are losing weight.” “He no fit tell me,” I interjected, “because I already know.”

If you no fit go,” she said, “Then I and the children go send petition to National Assembly. Let them call you and ask you why you are losing weight when APC has promised food in superabundance.”

And, with that, my family hurriedly prepared a petition paper and sent to NASS. And, that was how I was invited for what turned out to be a grueling session with its members.

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“Mr. Journalist, we would want you to explain to this honourable chamber why you should not be punished and punished severely for losing weight in times of fluenty (plenty?), when you are not Inspector General of Police, nor working hard as him.”

“Before I answer your question, Distinguished Members, I want to know what offence I committed by losing weight.

“You want to know, abi?” I said yes.

“Ok,” one of them said. “Do you work with the Acting Inspector General of Police?”

“No, my Honourable”

“Why then should you not be punished severely for losing weight when you are not working as hard as IG and you have not worked with him before?”

“Honourable, Sir, I have walked with him when we had a marathon something sometime ago on Ikorodu – Western Avenue way in Lagos. The only thing I haven’t done yet is to work under him.  But I will soon, trust me, so that I will be able to explain to both my family and nation why I am losing weight.”

“Really?”

“Yes, Sirs and Ma’s”

“If so, doxology. You are discharged and acquitted.”

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