A WhatsApp chat is making rounds on social media recently. A guy shared the chat he had with a young lady he asked out. She politely turned down his offer and told him her reasons. According to the chat, the lady stated that she doesn’t date corpers because they are overly dependent on the stipend they collect.
The young lady was also concerned about the kind of relationship she would have with the guy because he’s still struggling to make ends meet as a barber. She noted that he can’t take care of her needs financially without a steady source of income.
She honestly applauded his intelligence and brilliance at what he does as well as the many plans he has but all these don’t bring food to the table. She said she was sorry as they can only be friends and that is the only thing she can offer him. She told him she hopes he finds his type.
I guess the young man wasn’t thrilled with her response and that was why he posted their chat online.
For starters, this guy is a baby. He’s immature and not ready to be in a relationship. I don’t know why he thinks the right way to go about this is to post their chat online. Relationships are not by force. If you ask a woman out, you should know that it can go both ways. She can say yes or she can say no. It is not mandatory that the woman you are interested in will reciprocate your feelings. Get off your high horse please!
Life is full of ups and downs. Things go right and they can also go wrong. If you ask a woman out and she says no, resist the urge to call her a prostitute. I wonder what you were looking for in the life of a prostitute in the first place. Don’t disgrace your ancestors by reacting badly because a woman turned you down. Take it in good faith and move on with your life. There are many women out there waiting to meet a guy like you.
If a woman turns you down, resist the voices in your head telling you to slut-shame her or post your dealings with her online. Fine, many people in this society will support you because you are a man and curse the woman for refusing to date you. But sensible people will see through your immature actions and scoff. You don’t gain anything by posting your chats with a potential date online. And it is even sad that if the person politely turned down your offer.
Although it can be flattering for ladies to be asked out on a date, there may be occasions when these ladies don’t like the guys who have asked them out or can’t date them because of personal reasons. It is better for ladies to handle these refusals politely to spare the guys’ feelings.
One of the ways ladies can turn down relationship offers gracefully is to thank the guys asking them out first before saying no. It is important to remember that it took a lot of courage for this person to ask you out. If you genuinely appreciate him for asking, thanking him will soften the blow of your refusal.
The second thing women should do when trying to turn down guys who ask them out is to compliment them. Be kind and give them positive feedback before your refusal. Be specific about what you like or appreciate about him.
You can say: “You are so much fun to spend time with, but you have a temper and I can’t date a guy with an explosive temper.” “You have been a great friend these past few months, but I need a financially secure man in my life right now.” “You’re really thoughtful and nice to think of me, but I can’t date a man who doesn’t believe men and women are equal.”
It is very important to be honest with the guy you don’t want to date. You are an adult and you have the right to say no to a man who asked you out. Tell him the truth about your reasons for refusal. You don’t have to be blunt, insulting or rude, but you should be clear about why you are not interested. Avoid vague excuses or blatant lies.
If a man you find unattractive asked you out on a second or third date, you might say, “I had a lot of fun with you on our first date, but I’m just not interested in you in that way.” This can be easier to hear than “I don’t find you attractive.”
If you get asked out by a friend and would prefer to remain friends, you could say, “I appreciate our friendship and have so much fun with you, but I don’t see you that way and want to stay friends.”
If you get asked out by someone new at work who doesn’t know you are in a relationship already, you can say, “I really appreciate you asking and it’s been nice getting to know you, but you should know I’m already in a relationship with someone else.”
Ladies, be mindful of your body language too when turning down a guy. You might speak clearly and assertively, but you may send unintended or confusing messages with your body language. Don’t pull away from the person, but don’t lean in, either. Keep your arms uncrossed, make eye contact, and smile gently.
This is an awkward situation but allow your body language to be relaxed. Don’t make it look as if the guy is a leper that you have to avoid. Try not to clench your jaw, furrow your brow, or compress your lips into a tight line, which may appear harsh and mean.
Avoid gossiping about the guy that asked you out. This is not cool. It might have been funny to you that this person asked you out or it may be tempting to talk about it with your friends, don’t do that. Don’t spread the news of this person asking you out. Respect his feelings and remember that it took courage for him to ask you in the first place.
If the person asked you out via text, avoid keeping the text message or showing it to anyone else. This is why I don’t understand why the guy in the story I shared above exposed the chat he had with a lady he asked out. If the person asked you out via social media, do not take a screenshot of the message and show it to others. That’s immature behaviour.
Ladies, don’t delay your answer after someone asks you out. Avoid ghosting or disappearing on him entirely, as this isn’t respectful and isn’t what you would want to happen to you. Give him an answer as soon as possible.
If you genuinely need time to think about your answer because the situation is complicated, be direct and ask for time.
Deal with feelings of guilt. While you may be graceful in your refusal, the other person may not take it so well and have a strong negative reaction. This may lead you to feel guilty. You may think maybe you should have said yes, just to be nice or the guy may try to guilt-trip you, but you don’t need to feel bad or guilty about being honest and genuine to what you are feeling. You can’t force yourself to feel a certain way, and if you are not connecting with a guy on a romantic level, you can’t talk or trick yourself into feeling that connection. His reaction is his own, and if he reacts poorly, you are not responsible for that.
Re: He won’t do these things if he loves you
Kate, I pity young ladies who take your fairytale counseling about marriage and relationship serious. You lack the depth and experience to talk about marriage. As a single woman who has refused to learn from experienced women around her who have successful marriages because they know how to submit to their husbands, you are a deceiver. I have warned my wife not to read the trash you dish out every Saturday even though she loves reading Saturday Sun newspaper. Stop deceiving women otherwise God will punish you. -Mr. Chidi Ibeh, Owerri
My daring friend of pen, even the scriptures place the responsibility of a workable marriage and relationship equally on both partners.
It is therefore an aberration or lack of clear understanding of holy writings and carnal depraved hearts that make men to close their eyes to this. This is a timely revelation and an eye-opener to all ladies who desire to have decent, lasting and respectable relationships.
The inability of ladies to discern or read the characters and body languages of men because of desperation can make them settle for men who don’t love them. In a bid to quit lonely life at all costs, they fall prey to ‘chop and waka’ guys. -Pastor Stephen, Abuja
I just read your piece “He won’t do these things if he loves you.” Many of your points may be true to a large extent but some guys just want to quickly get into ladies’ pants just to make sure they are truly theirs because they love them. Boys will be boys. It is important that parents engage with their children in constant conversation on relationship issues. But sometimes, in spite of good parenting, any of the points you raised to be guarded against could still occur. It is okay if our girls are alert to those signals you mentioned. -Emeka Onyeokoro
I agree with some of the points you raised but you are still one-sided in your delivery. You have a way of painting men black while pretending that women are saints. Why don’t you write about what women won’t do if they love guys too? You are just a man hater. I pity you. The way you are going, you won’t get a decent man to call your own. Try and mellow down before you die a sad, lonely and unhappy old woman. You are no longer young. -Henry, Abuja