It is not enough that you apologise when you hurt your woman, how do you do it? You just don’t apologize just for the sake of it…
Kate Halim
One man told me recently that men are not supposed to apologise to their wives because they are the heads of homes. I looked at him in pity and shook my head.
READ ALSO: Plus-sized ladies make best wives
I allowed him to continue wallowing in his ignorance because trying to make him see reasons why he should apologise to his wife whenever he offends her will be pointless at that time.
Also, I didn’t have the energy to argue with someone with a closed mind regarding relationships since he feels superior to his wife not to apologise for hurting her. I told him to make sure his wife is still with him spirit, soul and body because she might have checked out of their marriage because of his unyielding attitude.
Unfortunately there are many men like this man who believe that it is a woman’s duty to apologise for their wrongs just to keep the peace. This is so wrong. It is the duty of both partners in a marriage to apologise when they wrong the other person.
You don’t start claiming that because you are a man, you won’t apologise. You hurt your wife, tear her down with words, insult her being, her family members and call her names, yet you still expect her to apologise because you were raised to believe that women should do anything to keep the peace in their marriage. You need to let go of that mentality before you destroy your marriage.
I have heard some women say that their husbands find it hard to say ‘I am sorry, please forgive me’ when they offend them. Instead, they would say ‘is it because of that little thing that you are still angry?’
Some men buy gifts for their wives without being asked, while others rush to do house chores just to placate the woman but they would never say ‘I am sorry, forgive me.’ Why is it so hard for some married men to say sorry? Does saying sorry make them less than a man? Does it take anything away from their penis size?
Why should women be putting up with men who can’t take responsibilities for their actions and apologise for their wrongs? What kind of marriages do these people have if pains and hurts are being waved aside like that? What happens when the woman can no longer stomach the psychological abuse?
Dear married men, let me tell you guys a secret. An apology is a powerful thing. Apologies are part of relationships and it can bring couples closer than before if done right. It is not enough that you apologise when you hurt your woman, how do you do it? You just don’t apologize just for the sake of it or so your wife doesn’t remind you about it later.
What you don’t know is that failing to apologise can make your offense even worse. Your wife might not say anything but she will grow to resent you because of your attitude. Usually, when you wrong someone, they just want you to acknowledge you hurt them, to feel guilty and remorseful, and to ask forgiveness.
Nobody is perfect. People make mistakes and your spouse should understand that. But when you are not willing to admit that you have messed up by putting your pride before your feelings for your spouse, you will make matters worse. That is how marital resentment builds up for years until it explodes one day.
It is not even apologizing that is the most important thing; it is how and when you apologise that determine whether or not you are forgiven. Take not of some of the wrong ways to apologise to your spouse and change for the better. Your marriage will become more blissful when you apologise rightly.
One of the wrong ways to apologise is pointing out when your spouse did the same thing. Some of the bad things your spouse has done in the past don’t justify you doing the same bad things. It may look like revenge and that is not good for your marriage. That doesn’t remove the pain you cause when you mess up. Own up to your mistakes and say sorry on time.
You also can’t buy the right to do something wrong. It doesn’t matter how many times you have done something good for your spouse, gave them money or taken them for vacations abroad, that doesn’t earn you the right to do something wrong and refuse to apologise to them.
It is annoying that some men blame alcohol for some of their actions. “I was drunk” is not an excuse. You know why? Because, while you may not have had much control over your actions once you were drunk, you did have control over the decision to drink. One way or another, this is your fault and not the alcohol.
You don’t use the excuse of having a bad day to hurt your spouse. If people just started lashing out because of their bad days then the world would be a terrifying place. Part of being a well-adjusted adult and good member of society is containing your pain and struggles to yourself rather than lashing out at others around you especially your spouse. So, quit blaming your bad day for hurting your spouse.
An apology doesn’t mean anything if you say it with attitude. Your spouse will notice it if your words are “I’m sorry” but your tone is “whatever.” The words aren’t enough. Tone is everything. You don’t apologise with a nasty tone, that won’t work.
If you apologise, and then immediately start behaving passively aggressively towards your spouse, then you clearly didn’t mean the apology. And the person wouldn’t have wanted it if they knew it was just going to irritate you into more bad behavior.
Saying ‘sorry you feel that way’ is not an apology. You apologise for your actions and not your spouses’ feelings. Even if your intention wasn’t to hurt them, your words or actions did hurt them, you have to take responsibility for that. They didn’t hurt themselves, you did.
It doesn’t matter if they are sensitive. Telling your hurting spouse that they are so sensitive is just another way of avoiding responsibility. Again, apologising isn’t about being correct. Maybe your spouse is too sensitive but if you love and care about your spouse, then just apologise and don’t call them sensitive.
Don’t try to downplay what you did, many men do this and it annoys the hell out of women. All the talking in the world won’t minimize the pain you caused your spouse. You can’t get someone to rationalize away their feelings. Stop making your offence look like a small deal when it is a big deal to your spouse.
Saying your spouse made you do something that hurt them is emotional abuse. Nobody can make you do anything. You always have the power to control your actions. Even if your spouse irritated you, that doesn’t mean they made you say or do something nasty.
When your spouse is hurting, don’t say, “I will only apologise if you do.” Apologising is about showing you care about someone. You don’t need them to apologise in order to do that. Don’t make your spouse apologise too because you feel superior. That’s wrong.
If you say, “I’m sorry” but then you say, “Okay??” or “Are you happy now?” after saying sorry, it doesn’t count. You should genuinely apologise to your spouse because you know you truly hurt them. Apologising against your will is a wrong way to make amends when you hurt your partner.
______________________________________________
RE: IT’S HER RIGHT TO SELECT
Thank you for last week’s piece. I was the one in need of it. With the things you wrote, I have answers to my problems. They re- minded me that I have the right to select the choice of man I want.
– Oge Blessing
Kate, you are a liar. You are leading women to hell and you talk like a miserable lady.
– Min. Aniefiok Edoho
Marriage is not a tea party, it is a serious business. Money is not everything, but it is something in marriage. How can you pay bills without money? Men and women have right of choices. When a man and woman agree to get married, it means that their right of choices has been met and their choices must be respected. God will continue to bless you.
– Mr. James Ekpeh, Lagos
My dear, all these men and women affairs you write about all the time, please, can you let the world know who you are? Are you married and how old are you? Sometimes, you talk like a woman with a broken heart. I am not against your write ups, but some of your advice to single ladies may mislead them. How can you tell ladies to remain single instead of marrying men they are not proud of? That’s a stupid thing to say.
– Ik Goodluck
Kate, despite the deluded view and age-long societal norm , the indisputable fact and natural instinct makes it clear that in marriage relationship, the right to chose or select a marriage partner is equal for men and women. Don’t stop sounding the trumpet till the culprits hear and have a change of heart. Keep it up.
– Pst. Stephen, Abuja
Your writings deserve more than a page and you always expose African men who refuse to change with modern times and who refuse to give their women voices.
– Sylvester Divi
Kate, it’s like an evil spirit has entered your heart again to start writing rubbish as usual. Your wayward life is the cause of your predicament and that’s why you are misleading single ladies.
– Godwin
I love reading your write ups. You are bold, sincere and honest on every topic you write. You are mature in your thoughts even though you are still very young and beautiful. You have all the attributes of a good woman and you know what you want in a man.
– 070861…750
Most African families treat their girls like unintelligent, second class humans who should be seen but not heard from and unfortunately, the ladies are allowing it in the name of respect for their parents. I want the ladies to understand that if they don’t live their lives the way they want, their parents, brothers, sisters, and friends will live it for them.
– Rejoice, Asaba
Choice is something humans have but ladies have to apply wisdom to avoid had I known. Men have more advantage than women when it comes to choosing life partners.
– Emeka Okoloeze
The right of choice is okay but advice should not be thrown to the dogs. Ladies who heed the advice of parents, siblings, relations and true friends as a rule, end up with better husbands than those who do not. Choice of partners based on vanities is one of the key factors that accounts for the increasing collapse of ordinary and celebrity marriages today.
– Chioma Papa