I had to counsel a couple. The man needed me to speak some senses into his wife of nine years who became a total stranger all of a sudden. I tried to find out what he thinks the problem is but he told me to ask his wife. I requested for all the necessary information to enable me counsel them properly without any bias.
During my one-on-one online session with the wife, she told me she stumbled on her husband’s diary. He keeps a diary of all his escapades with other women and she mistakenly stumbled on it. The diary revealed how much disregard he has for her. He is seeing other women and keeping detailed sexual adventures he had with these women. He also fathered a child with one of those women. What she saw drove her crazy. It made her redefine how much she was willing to put in in their marriage.
Did you discuss your findings with him? I asked. She never did, as she dropped the diary on his reading table, at least that was enough for him to reach out to her. He found the diary on his table, and threatened that who ever had the guts to go through his diary without permission would suffer the consequences of whatever they stumbled on in silence. He never apologised, neither did he bring it up for discussion.
How did you feel after reading through those revelations and subsequently your husband’s reaction? I probed “His reaction further gave credence to what was in the diary. He doesn’t have any regards for me whatsoever”, she said.
What do you want ma’am? I asked her. I need to know exactly what your expectations are. Do you intend to live under same roof as flat mates only, do you want a divorce or an apology may be? Tell me what you want, I asked her.
She replied: “How can I even forgive someone who has not only hurt me but has also pretended not to know the reason for my sudden change in behavior?”. I could feel the hurt in her voice
I confronted the man with my findings. Guess what? He was on the defensive and even tried to play the victim. He asked why she should go through his diary, if she wasn’t just looking for trouble? Can you imagine that!
I believed you reached out to me in search of a solution sir, I reminded him. Then there is no room for grand standing here. She stumbled on confessions that could trigger depression, questioning her self worth, suicidal thoughts, insanity and even homicide, yet you play the victim?
Do you even realize you could have been dead by now if she was one of those maniacs who act before they think, I asked him. Some men never lived to tell the story.
Haven’t you heard about women who poisoned their husbands and watched them die slow and painful deaths? What about women who poisoned themselves and their children to spite their cheating husbands? Gradually, he started to get the picture.
“I’m sorry” he said to me. Sorry for what? I inquired? “Sorry for what I put her through” That is what you should be telling your wife sir, not me. She’s hurt, your diary revealed you just don’t care about her. You don’t care how she feels when you are no more and she finally stumbles on the diary, she should deal with it.
If you reached out to me because you genuinely want your wife back, here’s the first step. You must have ‘the conversation’ sir. It is a must have. You cannot shy away from it nor wish it away.
Start by apologizing. You may kneel down by the door, sit by her bed or hold her hand. Tell her ‘I’m sorry’. Say it facing down or looking straight in her eyes. I’m not talking about a patronizing apology here sir, it should be a heart felt apology.
Here are possible reactions you would get: an instant walk out; totally ignoring your presence or she starts the conversation on your behalf with questions. She might hit you and cry more but don’t stop apologizing, cry, beg, just do whatever it takes for her forgiveness. Never ever claim right in whatever guise.
She might forgive you outrightly especially if you are remorseful and not question why she had to go through your diary. If she rejects your apology, it’s still her choice and her right. I believe with time she will come around. For some people, forgiveness is one step at a time, it doesn’t happen at once.
He promised to do as I advised and give me a feed back in a day or two so we can discuss further on the healing process.
I waited five days for feedback, but got nothing. So I reached out to him instead. He’s my client after all, he paid for my services and I must do my due diligence. He didn’t take to my advice. He wanted it his own way so he got her a gift on his way home from work that day. He cooked dinner for the entire household. Set up the dinner table with their three kids present while his wife was in her room.
He told the children to go persuade their mother to join them for dinner. They practically dragged her to the dining table. He presented her the gift but she declined. He told the kids to cheer their mum up and they even went ahead to collect the gift from him and handed it to their mother.
She was literally blackmailed into eating at the table and accepting the gift from him. Unfortunately, she never opened that gift, she dropped it in one of the kitchen cabinets. She is generally nicer now, he said.
And how’s that manipulative way of yours working out for you sir? I asked.
To be continued.