Losing your spouse can be devastating, whether the death is sudden or following a long illness. One day you are married; the next day you are single, alone, and grieving. You miss your spouse and the things you used to do together. You also miss your fights and arguments.
Between the intense emotions, the lifestyle changes, and the many practical considerations that accompany the death of your spouse, you probably feel overwhelmed and anxious about your future.
You look at your children and wonder what the future holds for them without one of their parents. You are worried that you might also fail them and before you know it, your blood pressure starts rising and if you don’t take care of yourself and be strong for your children, you might get sick or break down emotionally.
The pain of losing a spouse can only be explained by the peopl who have experienced it and have survived the emotional turmoil it brings. It is not easy to look for someone you have spent years of your life with and not find them. It is not easy to wake up everyday without that special person that supports you in life. It’s tough.
As time passes, you may still miss your spouse. But for most people, the intense pain will lessen. There will be good and bad days. You will know you are feeling better when there are more good days than bad. You may feel guilty for laughing at a joke or enjoying a visit with a friend. It is important to understand that can be a common feeling.
If you have children, remember that they are grieving, too. It will take time for the whole family to adjust to life without your spouse. You may find that your relationship with your children and their relationships with each other have changed. Open, honest communication is important. Mourning takes time. It’s common to have roller coaster emotions for a while.
Over time, the pain will likely subside and you will build a new life for yourself. You must first learn to ignore some people’s endless advice on how you should live your life. Look inwards, you are the one wearing the shoe and you know where it pinches you. Below are some tips that can help men and women who lost their spouses.
First of all, you have to go easy on yourself. There is no right way to feel after losing your spouse. So many variables contribute to your reaction, including how long and happy your marriage was, how your spouse died, how old your children are (if you have them), and how dependent you were on one another.
You may feel numb, shocked, brokenhearted, or anxious. You may feel guilty for being the one who is still alive or relieved that your spouse is no longer suffering. You might even feel angry at your spouse for leaving you. You may cry a lot, or you may not. How you grieve is unique to you.
Be prepared for friends and family who may not know what to say, avoid you, or try to comfort you with cliches (such as “he’s in a better place”). Often, well-meaning people are uncomfortable talking about death, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care.
If you can, tell those close to you what you need or don’t need. If people avoid mentioning your spouse, for example, and you actually want to talk about them, let them know. Keep in mind that your friends and family are also grieving and may find it comforting to share memories of your spouse.
Take care of your physical health. Grieving can take a toll on your body as as well as your emotions. You may have no appetite or have trouble sleeping. It may be easier said than done, but try to take care of yourself by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep. Try to avoid drowning your sorrows by drinking excessively, as that can actually exacerbate your pain.
One study found that the risk of death for the surviving spouse goes up, particularly in the first three months of bereavement. Taking care of your physical health in the months after your loss is essential.
Try to eat right. Some widowed people lose interest in cooking and eating. It may help to have lunch with friends. Sometimes, eating at home alone feels too quiet. Turning on the radio or TV during meals can help these people deal with the pain they are going through.
Seek support. Coping with the aftermath of loss is often extremely lonely and confusing, and it is not unusual to feel depressed. The loss of a spouse is also associated with an elevated risk of the onset of a number of different psychiatric disorders.
Studies suggest that a lack of social support after an unexpected loss is a key predictor of depression. For this reason, it is important to reach out to other people in your life for help. You may be inclined to turn inward, but you will probably fare better if you seek support from family, friends, your religious community, or a professional counselor.
Adjust your social life. Navigating your social life as a single person can be complicated. If you and your spouse socialized with other couples regularly, you may not know how to fit in now. You may feel awkward going to parties and other events solo. Tell your friends how you feel and explain that you may need to avoid “couples” dinner parties and events for a while and see friends one-on-one instead.
However, being single can also provide a welcome opportunity to seek out new friends. If you don’t want to be alone brooding your loss, you can also consider volunteering or taking a class to motivate you to get out of the house and pursue something meaningful. This will help take your thoughts away from the loss you suffered.
If your grief is complicated, please seek help. Losing a spouse is life-changing and profound grief is a normal reaction. Sometimes, though, grief is so profound that it interferes with your ability to move forward with your own life. This is known as complicated grief, and it affects an estimated 7% of bereaved people.
Some of the signs include feeling as if you have no purpose anymore, having difficulty performing everyday activities, wishing you had died as well, experiencing continued feelings of guilt, or blaming yourself for your loved one’s death and losing the desire to socialize. If you can’t get past these feelings, talk to your doctor or a therapist who can recommend treatment options. When you are ready, go through your husband’s or wife’s clothes and other personal items. It may be hard to give away these belongings. Instead of parting with everything at once, you might make three piles: one to keep, one to give away, and one “not sure.” Ask your children or others to help. Think about setting aside items like a special piece of clothing, watch, favorite book, or picture to give to your children or grandchildren as personal reminders of your spouse.
It is very hard to lose a spouse. Grieving takes time and is different for everyone. But it is possible to create a new and fulfilling life for yourself while still cherishing the memories of your relationship and your loved one. You must take things one step at a time and take each day as it comes. You will need yourself to be whole and healthy to cope well with the loss of your